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218 The One WhereDr. Remore Dies [Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.]
AMBER: Oh Drake.
DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.
[Ross enters]
ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, whathappened?
MONICA: We, we just wanna see theend.
AMBER: I want you Drake.
DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
AMBER: What?
DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half-brother.
[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]
RACHEL: So what happens next?
JOEY: Well, I get the medical awardfor separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet ourother half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggestemerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
CHANDLER: God that is good TV.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball tabletrying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]
CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.
PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque.Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccerforever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.
CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feelso bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plasticwomen and everybody has a pretty good time.
PHOEBE: Why don't you play with yourroommate?
CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a bigfan of foosball.
PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we notgetting along with the new boy?
CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright,just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.
PHOEBE: Maybe that's because youhaven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
CHANDLER: We don't need to remedythat.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun.[throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]
EDDIE: What was that?
PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought thatit would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I haveto go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Umtonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
CHANDLER: That was so lame.
PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk tohim. [leaves]
CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think thatSpeed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?
CHANDLER: What're you kidding? Ibroke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital ofCambodia.
EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital ofCambodia is uh...
CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.
EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My lastgirlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all thesepancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns tome, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don'twant to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into mychest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And nowthere's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep fallingand I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't sucha funny story, was it?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachelare listening.]
PHOEBE: And a crusty old man saidI'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it,thanks, good night.
RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?
RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.
PHOEBE: I know.
ROSS: Well, we should probably getgoing.
RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.
MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Yaknow how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'dstay at my place.
RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
MONICA: Well, maybe you don't needthem.
ROSS: My baby sister, ladies andgentlemen.
MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.
PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. AlrightI have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica hasbeen with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
PHOEBE: Ok.
RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding,Phoebe's crazy.
RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knockat the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]
TILLY: Hi.
CHANDLER: Hi.
TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not hereright now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?
TILLY: Thanks.
CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.
TILLY: I'm Tilly.
CHANDLER: Oh.
TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, namecame up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?
CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you,is Eddie a little...
EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?
CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in hereyou roomie.
EDDIE: Hello Tilly.
TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.
TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
EDDIE: Bye-bye.
CHANDLER: Bye.
[Tilly leaves]
CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?
EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up toPhoebe.]
JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check itout, check it out, check it out.
PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest,oh that's one of my favorite digests.
JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'newdoc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
JOEY: Ooh, I look good.
PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that youwrite a lot of your own lines?
JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like,remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the scriptwas, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I madeit, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'
PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you didthere. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad whenthey read this?
JOEY: Huh? Never really thoughtabout the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what?This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes thewriters look good so how could they be mad about that?
[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days ofOur Lives.]
WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.]
JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft?What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, Ijust bring the scripts.
JOEY: They can't kill me, I'mFrancesca's long lost son.
DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you signthis?
JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signingthat.
DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that'sgonna affect the plot of the show.
JOEY: How can they do this to me?
DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonnago. Sorry.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel arereturning.]
MONICA: Well it wasn't that manyguys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a verysmall percentage.
RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big adeal, I was just curious.
ROSS: G'night.
RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.
MONICA: Alright, before I tell you,uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.
RICHARD: Two.
MONICA: Two? TWO? How is thatpossible? I mean, have you seen you?
RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years.She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.
MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed,I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]
RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Yaknow, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.
MONICA: Ok, it is definitely lessthan a ballpark.
[Rachel's bedroom]
RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm notMonica right now.
ROSS: Tell me about it. So what,what's your magic number?
RACHEL: Uhhhooo.
ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I'vebeen with. All, both of them.
RACHEL: Well, there's you.
ROSS: Better not be doin' these inorder.
RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, PeteCarney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie fromTorrini.
RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous ofPaolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
ROSS: Really?
RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thingwas barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaninglessanimal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep withyour ex-girlfriend.
EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone whoslept with her would say.
CHANDLER: This is nuts. This iscrazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left,end of story.
EDDIE: Where's Buddy?
CHANDLER: Buddy?
EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.
CHANDLER: There was no fish when shedropped it off.
EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with myex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then youkill my fish, my Buddy?
CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill yourfish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at whatI'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy rightoff ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tossesit to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica'sbedroom.]
RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
MONICA: Well yeah.
RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like afleet.
MONICA: You really ok with it?
RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.
MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?
MONICA: Well, it just seems like areally small number.
RICHARD: Right, and...
MONICA: And, well, don't you have alot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am Ian oat?
RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm justnot an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
MONICA: But you've only slept withtwo people.
RICHARD: Right.
MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I loveyou too, right.
RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]
[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]
RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen tome. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you careabout me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh,here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in thesack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what youand I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? Sowhat're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between usanimal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even,not even like, like chipmunk sex?
RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me.Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
ROSS: Knock-knock.
RACHEL: But, what you and I have isso much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know,I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel onthe bed]
[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]
RACHEL: Oh, hi.
MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me heloves me.
RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that'sgreat.
MONICA: I know. I just can't find...
RACHEL: Oh they're in the topdrawer. Hurry.
MONICA: You need one too?
RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.
[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]
MONICA: There's only one.
RICHARD: Monica.
MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be rightthere, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]
ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom]Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.
RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.
ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh,was your moustache, did, used to be different?
RICHARD: No.
ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know,keep it so neat?
RICHARD: I have a little comb.
ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?
RICHARD: A moustache comb.
RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do yourlaundry for one month.
MONICA: No.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will,I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
MONICA: Alright, I tell you what,I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
RACHEL: Agghhh.
ROSS: So were you in Nam?
RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?
MONICA: Yeah.
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three.[Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
RACHEL: Yeesss.
MONICA: Fine, go have sex.
RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, nolegs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
ROSS: No, no way. You've got ittotally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...
RACHEL: Honey.
ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross andRachel go into her room]
RICHARD: Shall we?
MONICA: It's not gonna happen.They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.
RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.]
CHANDLER: So, when I woke up thismorning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
MONICA: Why?
CHANDLER: Because he thinks I sleptwith his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?
CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebeafter you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry.Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.
RACHEL: So, he's on the show, heknows what happens.
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Alright.
CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about myproblem now, by the way.
RACHEL: Oh good.
DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, asa friend and as your brother.
AMBER: Oh Drake.
DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.
DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.
INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.
DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go onthe elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.
DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.
AMGER: I love you Drake.
DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.
AMBER: Drake, look out.
DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?
ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore'sbody hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.]
ROSS: C'mon.
RACHEL: Joey.
ROSS: Open up. We want to talk toyou.
JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.
RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care aboutyou.
CHANDLER: We're worried about you.
MONICA: And some of us really haveto pee.
[Joey opens the door]
MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to thebathroom]
JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about yourdeath, that really sucks.
CHANDLER: We came over as soon as wesaw.
ROSS: How could you not tell us?
JOEY: I don't know, I was kindahopin' no one would ever find out.
RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find away to bring you back.
JOEY: Naa, they said that when theyfound my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could havesaved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.
PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna befine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatestthing that ever happened to me.
PHOEBE: Yes, I was going toincorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.
MONICA: Um, I straightened out yourshower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You knowthat?
JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, yaknow, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get itit's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Yaknow, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit cardapplication, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved foranything in my life.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.
RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don'tknow if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddieholding a tray of cookies.]
CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.
EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.
CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What'rethese, raisins?
EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.
CHANDLER: [throws it across the roomwhile Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about ourcurrent living situation and uh, why are you smiling?
EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh,Chandler, you know, after, after you.
CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl tosee a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfishcracker.
EDDIE: What's you point man?
CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walkstowards his room] You big freak of nature.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom.On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
ROSS: Hey.
RICHARD: Hey.
ROSS: Hey.
RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.
ROSS: Oh man.
RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.
ROSS: You got it. END |
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