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208 The One Withthe List [Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussingthe night before.]
RACH: Ross kissed me.
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
RACH: It was unbelievable!
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to heareverything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this endwell or do we need to get tissues?
RACH: Oh, it ended very well.
PHOE: Oh.
MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not startwithout me. Do not start without me.
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear aboutthe kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was itlike a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
RACH: Well, at first it was reallyintense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you?Or was his hand like on your back?
RACH: No, actually first they startedon my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.
PHOE/MNCA:Ohhhh.
[Scene:Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]
ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
JOEY: Tongue?
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Cool.
Opening Credits
[Scene: CentralPerk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showingeveryone his new computer.]
CHAN: All right, check out this badboy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheetcapabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use itfor?
CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are nojobs. There are no jobs for me.
JOEY: [reading over her shoulder]Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?
JOEY: No, but if you're willing tocook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs hisfingers together]
[Ross enters, distraught.]
ROSS: Hi.
PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you makeout last night?
ROSS: That, that is funny. That ispainfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful
MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought lastnight was great.
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home,ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking tomyself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am withJulie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me,and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
JOEY: You got all that from salinesolution?
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here.You and Rachel.
ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreamingabout me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like meand Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying atray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.
ROSS: How are you?
RACH: Good. How are you?
ROSS: Good.
[Julie enters.]
JULIE: Hi, honey.
ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie.Julie, um, how are you?
JULIE: Good.
ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, soeverybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
PHOE: Oh, well, actually.
ROSS: [impatient] Play it.
PHOE: Ok, all right.
JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know youwore lenses.
JULIE: What?
ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.
PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so,um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up.Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then atPhoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl,we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress thispoint too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who willbe the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Orwill it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide,even though I made him up, he must decide!
[Scene: Mr.Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]
RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice,nice, nice. Muy impressivo.
MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactlydoes this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
RTST: Mockolate.
MNCA: I'm sorry?
RTST: Mockolate. It's a completelysynthetic chocolate substitute.
MNCA: Ohh.
[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]
RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, wethink that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.
[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]
RTST: Yeah?
MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to showit] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, weshould be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time forThanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most ofyour major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.
RTST: But, we're thinking, given theright marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
MNCA: Wow.
RTST: Aren't you going to swallowthat?
MNCA: Just waiting for it to stopbubbling.
RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?
MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.
RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are lookingfor a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. Youthink you might be interested?
MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely.See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I loveMockolate.
RTST: Really?
MNCA: Especially the after taste, youknow, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica issuggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]
MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?
PHOE: It's not, it's not veryThanksgiving-y.
MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolatemousse?
PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?
MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
RACH: Did uh, Ross call?
MNCA: No, I'm sorry.
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonnastay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all,"Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lotof kids and dig up stuff together."
PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothinglike her.
[Scene:Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Juliesituation.]
ROSS: I don't know what to do. What amI gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be sohard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet'stoo small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross.[reaches for the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don'tever touch the computer.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two wordsfor you. Threesome.
[Ross gives him an insulted look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's getlogical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh.We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use differentcolors for each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons,'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right,I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you know,sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little toointo her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're bothpaleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wannaplay Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a littlechubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrongwith her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel totaste.]
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie withmockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these aremockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
[Rachel takes a bite.]
RACH: Oh my god.
MNCA: Oh my god good?
RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe youlet me put this in my mouth.
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is whatevil must taste like!
[Scene:Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computerhotline.]
CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won'tprint. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line youare not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching StarTrek?
[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]
JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it gowith Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried.I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actuallyhugs his father?
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[seesRoss, pauses]...hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [sees his coat on] Where yougoin'?
ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh,from Julie's.
RACH: [dejected] Oh.
ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what youthink. It's um the other thing.
RACH: Well, what's the other thing,what do I think?
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing hishead towards Ross.]
ROSS: Well, uh.
JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, gohug her, for god's sakes.
RACH: Really?
ROSS: Really. It's always been you,Rach.
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
RACH: Oh, god.
JOEY/CHAN:Ohhh.
RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this isreally good.
ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it'salmost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take awalk, just us, not them?
RACH: Let me get my coat.
ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'llget your coat.
[Ross leaves.]
RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat.He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This isunbelievable. [notices Chandler's computer screen] What's that?
CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
RACH: What's that? What? I saw myname. What is it?
CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printerstarts to run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's printing!
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from theprinter.]
RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.
[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]
ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote somethingabout me on his computer and he won't let me see.
ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is]He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you werewriting?
CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story,that I was writing.
RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me readit.
CHAN, JOEY, ROSS:No!
RACH: Come on.
JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read itto her?
[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinkshe has come up with a good idea.]
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright.[clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. Alonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever.The end."
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote?You're the worst writer in the whole world.
RACH: All right, you know what? Thisisn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and Iwant to see it.
ROSS: No, you don't.
RACH: All right, you know what, that'sfine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need tosee it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it toherself.]
RACH: What is this? Ross, what isthis?
CHAN: Good luck.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember howcrazy I am about you, ok?
RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into herlooks? Spoiled?
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. Hewas supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RACH: Just a waitress?
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, asopposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look atthe other side. Look at Julie's column.
RACH: She is not Rachem. Whatthe hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't knowbecause I'm just a waitress.
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach,no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?
[Scene: CentralPerk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
CHAN: My diary! My diary, that'sbrilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made meread her my diary.
MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd bea great person to have around the day after an emergency.
PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross evenmade this list. What a dinkus.
JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It wasChandler's idea.
PHOE: What?
MNCA: What?
CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that wouldcome up.
MNCA: This was your idea?
PHOE: What were you thinking?
CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's getsome perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
MNCA: Yeah. You!
CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me uphere, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck inyour next life as a dung beetle.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. Itis raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]
ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, openup, please!
RACH: [coldly] When somebody does notbuzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up thefire escape.
ROSS: I just wanna read something.It's your pro list.
RACH: Not interested.
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes intoher bedroom and closes the door.]
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok,number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love yourfriends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous.Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: howgreat you are with Ben.
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross!What are you doin'?
ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open thewindow?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.
[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
CHAN: What are you doing out there?
ROSS: I am, uh, I am...
MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. Youknow what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]
ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach,come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.
[Rachel opens the door.]
RACH: No.
ROSS: No?
RACH: That's what I said.
CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?
RACH: No, you guys, you really don'thave to go, we're done talking.
ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know howyou must feel.
RACH: [near tears] No, you don't,Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would youfeel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinksthem too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with youin spite of all those things.
RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mightybig of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!
ROSS: You know what? You know what?If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a listthat would ever make me not want to be with you.
RACH: Well, then, I guess that's thedifference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenlyback to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]
JOEY: [quietly] I never know how longyou're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again,you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.
[Scene: Mr.Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes,the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolateholiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushednut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
RTST: Doesn't matter.
MNCA: What?
RTST: Our FDA approval didn't comethrough. Something about laboratory rats.
MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is yourcheck. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um,listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.
RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some isfine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]
(phone rings)
MNCA: Hello?
[Ross is at his apartment.]
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again?Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.
MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don'tthink this is the best time.
ROSS: Look, can, can you do somethingfor me?
MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs upthe phone] [to Rachel] Music?
[Monica turns on the radio.]
RADIO: The next one's dedicated toRachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what hedid and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With orWithout You plays)
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, thenpicks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]
RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a callfrom Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, ifyou're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote ourtime to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you withher car and she hopes you two will work it out.
[Scene: Mr.Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no moralsand I need the cash.
RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in amirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly likepistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, tryone. You're not allergic to anything, are you?
MNCA: Cat hair.
RTST: Oh, sorry.
END
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