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207 The One WhereRoss Finds Out [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at thecouches, Chandler enters.]
CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do Inot look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
RACH: So, how was the party?
CHAN: Well it couldn't have beenworse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am Ihideously unattractive?
PHOE: No, you are not, you are veryattractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I puton a little weight, I start questioning everyting.
CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on alittle weight?
PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, morelike insulation.
MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed andin dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, butthat might get in the way of my lying around time.
MNCA: Please.
ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But ifwe put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, Inever should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holdsher hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Hallway between theapartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica isthere.]
CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looksat him funny] What?
MNCA: Nothing, just never seen youin little stretchy pants before.
CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs backin his apartment]
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is laggingbehind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Chandler is doing situps.]
MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Fivemore.
CHAN: [weakly] No.
MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you.
CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and ahalf. OK, just show me one of them.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler andJoey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]
CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup tohis mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow,ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane,the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She'sgot me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mailanymore.
[Phoebe enters.]
RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go withScott last night?
PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took himto a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.
JOEY: The guy still won't put out,huh?
PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
ALL: Sorry Phoebs.
PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mindtaking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he'sreally sweet and why won't he give it up?
JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives hiscar on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's notBritish.
JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.
PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't thinkthat's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way heheld me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like...definitely felt something.
RACH: Yeah, but how much can youtell from a look?
PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. Youcould tell.
[Monica enters.]
MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing.Racquetball in 15 minutes.
CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up myhand and smack her with it.
PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julieoutside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
RACH: What? [looks, feignsindifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh,Ross and uh. . .?
RACH: Oh what, my whole insanejealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt forsanity.
CHAN: So you really OK about allthis?
RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on.He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, hecan throw her through the damn thing.
[Ross and Julie enter.]
ROSS: Hi guys.
ALL: Hey.
ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd comeby tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
MNCA: Only if you say his full name.
ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come overtomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
MNCA: Alright.
JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting acat?
ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting acat.
RACH: Together?
ROSS: Uh huh.
RACH: Both of you?
ROSS: Yep.
RACH: Together.
JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll livewith Ross half the time, and with me half the time.
RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that justlovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really,really, really, really, really long time.
ROSS: Hopefully.
RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah,look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have areally, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, reallygood cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're notsupposed to take these when we leave.
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel ison her date with Michael (MICH).]
MICH: I don't know if Monica toldyou but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem alittle nervous, I am.
RACH: [distracted] How long do catslive?
MICH: [confused] I'm sorry?
RACH: Cats, how long do they livefiguring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
RACH: That's just great. [she picksup her champagne and starts drinking]
MICH: Um, cheers.
RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs herglass]
MICH: Monica told you I was cuterthat this, didn't she?
RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you.I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it soundsbut this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
RACH: I mean he just started goingout with her.
MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an oldboyfriend?
RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, hewishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
MICH: Alright.
RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a petwith a girlfriend?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe andJoey are sitting on the couch.]
PHOE: So, I figured it out.
JOEY: What?
PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want tosleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When Ifirst met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt,great rack."
PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. Imean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want toknow what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.
PHOE: You're right, you're right.Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him.They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down.Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
[Scene: Back in the restraunt.Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]
RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it'sa cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know,one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something?[belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
MICH: Fruitflies?
RACH: Yes! Thank you.
[The waiter comes to the table.]
WAITER: So, would you like anydessert?
MICH: No! No dessert, just a check,please.
RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, areyou?
MICH: No, no, I am, but only becausefor the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in myhead.
RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me.Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross andhis cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I dothat?
MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through adivorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because youhaven't had any closure.
RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what itis, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Howdo I get that?
MICH: Well, you know, there's no oneway really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally sayto him, "I'm over you."
RACH: Closure, that's what it is.Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellularphone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of herchair]
GUY: Hang on.
RACH: Hello, excuse me.
GUY: What.
RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need toborrow your phone for just one minute.
GUY: I'm talkin'!
RACH: I can see that. I... just onephone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is stillreluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone]I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]
RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [toMichael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
MICH: Good.
RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it'sRachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happyfor you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, youknow, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am overyou and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phonein the ice bucket] COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]
CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opensdoor to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
MNCA: Why not?
CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It'sGod's day.
MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then westop.
CHAN: OK, stop.
MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop,c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are onboard. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leavingMonica] Woo.
[Scene: Rachel and Monica'sapartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.]
ROSS: Hey Rach.
RACH: Ahhhh.
ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?
RACH: Umm, I think there was arestaurant... I know there was wine. . .
[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place whatit is.]
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I justneed the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me likethat?
RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like Ihad a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.
ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over andpicks up the cat toy]
RACH: Did we speak on the phone lastnight? Did you call me?
ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's lastnight.
RACH: Huh.
ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't evenbeen home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachelwalks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check hismessages.]
ROSS: Rach, I got a message fromyou. [pauses] Who's Michael?
[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.] RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phoneRoss, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couchand lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has aconfused expression on his face.]
ROSS: You're over me?
RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off hisback]
ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're,you're over me?
RACH: Ohh, ohh.
ROSS: When, when were you... underme? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?
RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well,basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
ROSS: You've had feelings for me?
RACH: Yeah, what, so? You hadfeelings for me first.
ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my,I mean, you know I had... you know?
RACH: Chandler told me.
ROSS: Chandler. When did he... whendid he... when did he?
RACH: When you were in China.
ROSS: China.
RACH: Meeting Julie.
ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God.Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonnastand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and nowwha... and now, now, now you're over me?
RACH: Are you over me?
[A moment of silence.]
ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's,that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey,I've got a cab waiting.
ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down.
RACH: Wait, so, you're going?
ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. Ican't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I'vegot a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
RACH: OK, OK.
ROSS: Cat. [leaves]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebeenters.]
PHOE: Hey Joey.
JOEY: Hey Phoebs.
PHOE: How come you're watching arabbi play electric guitar?
JOEY: I can't find the remote.[Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.
PHOE: So, Scott asked me to comeover for lunch today and I did.
JOEY: And?
PHOE: And we did.
JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.
PHOE: Yay me.
JOEY: So, so how did it happen?
PHOE: Well, I finally took youradvice and asked him what was going on.
JOEY: And what did he say?
PHOE: He said that, um, heunderstands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he wasjust afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call methe next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know,blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to bereally serious.
JOEY: Wow.
PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relaxplease," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there inthe moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not,that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.
JOEY: Let me get this straight. Hegot you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call youagain, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.
PHOE: Um-hum.
JOEY: This man is my God.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel isclosing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.]
RACH: Hi.
ROSS: I didn't get a cat.
RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting.
ROSS: No, no it's not interesting.OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percentcompletely opposite of interesting.
RACH: Alright, I got it Ross.
ROSS: You had no right to tell meyou ever had feelings for me.
RACH: [hurt] What?
ROSS: I was doing great with Juliebefore I found out about you.
RACH: Hey, I was doin' great beforeI found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
ROSS: Then you should have saidsomething before I met her.
RACH: I didn't know then. And howcome you never said anything to me.
ROSS: There was never a good time.
RACH: Right, you, you only had ayear. We only hung out every night.
ROSS: Not, not, not every night.You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in theway, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
RACH: Hey, there was one Italianguy, OK, and do you even have a point?
ROSS: The point is I... I don't needthis right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. Thisship has sailed.
RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, youjust sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it sincethe ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
RACH: Alright, fine, you go aheadand you do that, alright Ross.
ROSS: Fine.
RACH: 'Cause I don't need yourstupid ship.
ROSS: Good.
RACH: Good. [Ross leaves] [Rachel gets up and opens thedoor, yelling after him.] RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure.
[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts herhead in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outsidethe window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she seeshim. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]
ROSS: Try the bottom one.
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]
CLOSING CREDITS
CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in themorning. We're not working out, it's over.
MNCA: No way, with one pound to go,c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind thelast pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me doanything that I'll regret.
MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fatboy, huh? What?
CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh,I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
MNCA: Well, thanks.
CHAN: I mean, especially consideringhow tough it's been for you to find work.
MNCA: Well, you know.
CHAN: You know, I mean, you can'ttell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh.
CHAN: And it's not as if you have aboyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
MNCA: Well no, but um.
CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I thinkI'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
MNCA: Y'know, I try to staypositive. . .
CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for arun?
MNCA: Alright.
CHAN: Because, you know, you don'thave to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
MNCA: OK. Just for a little while.
CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over herand dances into his room] END |
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