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219 The One WhereEddie Won't Go
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom.Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]
[Chandler wakes up]
CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What'reyou doin' here?
EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.
CHANDLER: Why?
EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.
CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.
EDDIE: You want me to sing?
CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it'sover, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.
EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.
CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...betterroommate than you.
EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see meand you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't seeme, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I wasnice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?
CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.
EDDIE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!
EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?
CHANDLER: Yes please.
EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you wantme out.
CHANDLER: I want you out.
EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.
CHANDLER: Where did you hear it frombefore?
EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider megone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.
[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself]
EDDIE: I heard that.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing anold looking hat.]
JOEY: Hey.
MONICA: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you,finally got that time machine workin' huh?
JOEY: Seriously, you like it? Thisguy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you knowwhat I don't have?
MONICA: A mirror?
JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it'sjaunty.
MONICA: Wow, for a guy who'srecently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.
JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I meanit's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Daysof Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.
MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?
JOEY: Chandler gave me word of theday toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.
[Phoebe enters]
PHOEBE: Hey.
MONICA: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you readthe book?
MONICA: Oh my God, it wasincredible.
PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speakto you?
RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what bookis this?
MONICA: Rachel you have to read thisbook. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need tobecome more empowered.
PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and butthere's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know whotakes out wind? Men, they just take it.
RACHEL: Men just take out wind?
PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, causethey are the lightning bearers.
RACHEL: Wow.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool,kinda like The Hobbit.
MONICA: It is nothing like theHobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except forRichard.
PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard wouldnever steal your wind.
MONICA: No.
PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.
MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.
PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the partabout how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but Godforbid we should take a sip.
JOEY: Anybody want a croan.
PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typicallightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of myfallic shaped man cakes?'
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is there.]
ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.
JOEY: So, you're not mad at me forgetting fired and everything?
ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
JOEY: No, can we get back to me?
ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. Ialready got you an audition for Another World.
JOEY: Alright. Cab driver numbertwo?
ESTELLE: You're welcome.
JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray.How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?
ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.
JOEY: But this is a two line part,it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and hispyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.
JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has justfinished reading the book.]
RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I meanit's just so.
MONICA: Isn't it.
RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is likereading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your OwnWindkeeper Rachel'.
PHOEBE: I don't think it would havesold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.
ROSS: Hey you guys.
MONICA: Hey.
ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.
RACHEL: NO!
ROSS: No?
RACHEL: No, why do we always have todo everything according to your time table?
ROSS: Actually it's the movietheatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.
RACHEL: No, see this isn't about themovie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.
MONICA: You go girl. I can't pullthat off can I?
ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, yourwind?
RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do youexpect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, havea- have a problem with that.
RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just reallyneed to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.
PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.
RACHEL: You're right, I don't haveto apologize. Sorry. Damnit!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]
JOEY: What is it?
ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got allthis stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. Imean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.
JOEY: See, this is why I don't datewomen who read. Uh-oh.
ROSS: What, what's that?
JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelopeone of two. That can't be good.
ROSS: Open it, open in.
JOEY: Oh my God.
ROSS: Woah.
JOEY: Look at this, how did I spendso much money?
ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just theminumum amount due, that's your total due.
JOEY: Ahh.
ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 atporcelain safari?
JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy saidthey suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know whatI'm gonna do.
ROSS: Well I guess you can start bydrivin a cab on Another World.
JOEY: What?
ROSS: That audition.
JOEY: That's a two line part.
ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I LoveLucite.
JOEY: So what.
ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job,it's money.
JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need yougetting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.
ROSS: Toilet paper?
JOEY: Yeah.
ROSS: Look, I'm not being any ofthose things, ok, I'm just being realistic.
JOEY: Well knock it off, you'resupposed to be my friend.
ROSS: I am your friend.
JOEY: Well then tell me things like,'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonnacome along, I know it.'
ROSS: But I don't know it. What I doknow is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.
JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what Iowe.
ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense.I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it'sgonna be till you get another.
JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear thisright now.
ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...
JOEY: Well don't just say.
ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I shouldjust go.
JOEY: Ok.
ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Justthink about it, ok.
JOEY: I don't need to think aboutit. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'llsee. Ross, you still there?
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't seeEddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind thebar.]
EDDIE: Hey pal.
CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddiewhat're you still doin' here?
EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MANALIVE this thing's fantastic!
CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't youforgetting anything?
EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestierthat the last one.
CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last onewas made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you'resupposed to be doing right now?
EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my manbecause right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!
CHANDLER: Look you have to help meout here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...
EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?
CHANDLER: Your last roommate'skidney?
EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.]
JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get alemonade to go.
GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?
JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don'tknow if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.
GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'dthey do it?
JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.
GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried inan avalanche.
JOEY: What?
GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on AllMy Children.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch.Monica walks by and starts watching him.]
[Chandler wakes up]
CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!
MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!
CHANDLER: Why must everybody watchme sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.
MONICA: I wa-
CHANDLER: Uuuh.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel'swith his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads offruit.]
EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I gotsome grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see whathappens with these water balloons.
CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out,get out, get out, get out, get out.
EDDIE: What?
CHANDLER: You, move out. Take yourfruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!
EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out?
CHANDLER: Uh-huh.
EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of theblue, I mean don't you think?
CHANDLER: This is not out of theblue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go?Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door andafter a pause comes back in] But if you think for one second I'm leaving youalone with my fish, you're insane Jack!
CHANDLER: You want some help.
EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the tank and grabs the fish andputs it in his pocket]
[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]
JOEY: All the way to the airporthuh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.
CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50bucks.
JOEY: What?
CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.
JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It'ssmudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives asDr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper andeverything.
CASTING GUY: That's great.
JOEY: And, and just so you know, ifyou wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', Icould attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.
CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks forcoming in.
JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me forcomin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway butuh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' forthe word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets up and leaves]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe aresitting around the coffee table.]
PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, haveyou ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.
MONICA: And I would have to saypah-huh.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: Do you not remember thepuppet guy?
RACHEL: Yeah you like totally lethim wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
MONICA: And his puppet too.
PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least Ididn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.
MONICA: Who?
PHOEBE: Paul.
MONICA: Oh.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on,moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddessfor a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.
MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's goback to 29.
RACHEL: Not uh, not to myrecollection.
MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak,ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.
RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up halfthe circle.
PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's sosad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
RACHEL: Well not when they find outyou slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
MONICA: One hour? You are such aleaf blower.
[Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe,without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]
JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful withthat 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.
ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what'sgoin' on?
JOEY: They're takin all my stuffback. I guess you were right.
ROSS: No look I wasn''t right,that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff.Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To knowexactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that andthat's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.
JOEY: Thanks Ross.
ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold outfor something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you notgoing to that stupid cab driver audition.
JOEY: I went.
ROSS: Great, how did it go?
JOEY: I didn't get it.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: What?
ROSS: You're livin' the dream.
JOEY: Huh?
ROSS: All right then.
JOEY: [movers removing a glassparrot] Oh, not my parrot.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: I can't watch this.
ROSS: [approaching the mover holdingthe parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save thebird?
MOVER: 1200.
ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200dollars on a plastic bird?
JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer,near the register.
ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with thebird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?
MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]
ROSS: Huh.
MOVER: Yeah.
ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to youman.
JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really likethat bird though...I'll take the dog though.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other.Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]
RACHEL: Here are your cakes.
MONICA: We didn't order cake.
RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me.Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guysstealing our wind without taking it from each other.
MONICA: You're right.
RACHEL: You know.
PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. Idon't ever want to suck your wind again.
RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?
MONICA: We're good.
RACHEL: We're good?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakesback 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.
CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, thepsycho's gone.
MONICA: Are you sure this time?
CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually sawhim leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. Heis STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!
EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alleybehind Macy's.
MONICA: There is no alley behindMacy's.
EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it outman, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party,huh pal?
CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?
EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.
CHANDLER: Eddie, do you rememberyesterday?
EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
CHANDLER: Do you remember talking tome yesterday?
EDDIE: Uh, yes.
CHANDLER: So what happened?
EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.
CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.
MONICA: So on this road trip, didyou guys win any money?
EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, checkit out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?
MONICA: Nice.
EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.
PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting toreally like him?
[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.]
[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers thedoor. He's got the door chained.]
CHANDLER: May I help you?
EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?
CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'msorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?
EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.
CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh[unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joeyturns around in the leather recliner]
JOEY: Hello.
CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here foryears, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.
EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.
CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'dremember something like that.
JOEY: I know I would.
EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got thewrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriablysorry.
JOEY: Hey no problem.
CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door]Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack yourstuff?
JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, justso you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do haveto. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...
CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [theyhug and jump around]
JOEY: A little foos?
CHANDLER: Absolutely.
JOEY: What happened to the foosball?
CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelaindog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a ratherinteresting position.]
CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonnahave to bring this out every time Ross comes over?
JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.
CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him adifferent way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did youbuy it in the first place?
JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramiczoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just lookstacky.
CHANDLER: So is he housetrained oris he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY!Good fake dog. END |
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