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223 The One Withthe Chicken Pox [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel,Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]
[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]
RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there'sonly one bananna nut muffin left.
[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monicacan.]
MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.
CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so muchfaster...
MONICA: Give it to me.
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Give it to me.
CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [Helicks it and offers it to her.]
MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup onthe table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.
CHANDLER: That was there when I gothere. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, youwill never guess who's coming to New York.
MONICA: [Chandler tries to come backwith a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell usbefore he can swallow.
PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I wentout with, who's in the Navy.
[Chandler is visibly upset]
RACHEL: You went out with a guy inthe Navy?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I wasplaying guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'causehe didn't have any change.
JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrotesalt water taffy man?
PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaringguy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing threedays together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, whichmeans yay.
RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes downfor like two years at a time?
[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.]
MONICA: That'll teach you to lick mymuffin.
ROSS: [enters] Hiii.
JOEY: Oh no, what happened?
ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol.Ben's got the chicken pox.
ALL: Oh no.
ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven'talready had it, chances are you're gonna get it.
RACHEL: Well I've had it.
JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.
MONICA: Had it.
CHANDLER: Had it.
PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, Ifeel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in herbedroom.]
MONICA: Honey, you made the bedagain. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for.Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's LeroyBrown.
[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]
RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed,trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man inthe whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?
MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the songwould be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.
RICHARD: What're you doing?
MONICA: Just waiting for yousweetie.
RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?
MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Youknow what, the way you did it was just fine.
RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...
MONICA: If I tell you, you'll thinkI'm crazy.
RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way.
MONICA: Ok, you see, the tagshouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.
RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.
MONICA: I'm just easing you in.
RICHARD: Oh, alright.
MONICA: Alright, you see theselittle flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, thehead of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.
RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
MONICA: Really? Wow, well then comeon, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]
CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm justsaying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right hereas an entry level processor.
JOEY: But don't you need experiencefor a job like that?
CHANDLER: It's not that hard tolearn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey,you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.
SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.
CHANDLER: Hey thanks. ScottAlexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
SCOTT: No kidding.
JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process.People want the processing, I'm the one they call.
SCOTT: Where do you work?
JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm inbetween things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next dayyou're not so much... processing any more.
CHANDLER: I was just telling Joeyabout the opening in Fleischman's group.
SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches.Ha-ha-ha...
JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are allyou processors dorks?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe'smakeup.]
RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks justgreat on you.
MONICA: You look fabulous honey, youreally do.
PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really.[She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]
RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful.For god sakes, dim the lights.
PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.
MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan'sbeen under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles onyour butt.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door andknocks.]
PHOEBE: Come in.
RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]
PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?
RYAN: What's goin' on?
PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have tostay back. I, I have the pox.
RYAN: Chicken or small?
PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironicconsidering I'm a vegetarian.
RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?
PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother'snever had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, Iforgot how cute you are.
RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.
PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.
RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when Iwas 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub himall over my face.
PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you couldjust wish that I didn't have them now.
RYAN: Can I please see your face?
PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to seea face covered with pox.
RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.
PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh.That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveilsherself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams interror.] Oh, I am scary.
RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You looklovely, lovely.
PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tellyou, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything Ihad in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men,thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots standbetween us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]
PHOEBE: Ok, this is the mostromantic disease I've ever had.
[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first daygoin'?
JOEY: Pretty good. It's like yousaid. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
CHANDLER: Well there you go.
JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. Ijust had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of eastcoast operations Jeannie?
JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go tothe same school. Small world huh?
CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?
JOEY: I figure my character haskids.
CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a partof that sentence I don't need explained.
JOEY: Well, see when you're actingyou need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processorguy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everythingBrittany does.
CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids canbe that way sometimes.
JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife,Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.
CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's somepretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playingMonopoly.]
RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?
PHOEBE: That you don't stop talkingabout it.
RYAN: Fine.
PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good,ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [Shestarts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, justgetting ready to roll the dice...
RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?
PHOEBE: No. This is what I do forluck, ok.
RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.
PHOEBE: No.
RYAN: Give me the dice.
PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them onthe table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.
RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.
PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinkingabout it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em allover my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]
RYAN: No.
PHOEBE: Give it.
RYAN: No.
PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know youwant it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel sogood. [She starts scratching him.]
RYAN: Oh God help me.
PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Ohcome on, harder.
[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachelenter.]
RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop thatright now.
ROSS: You know, I might haveexpected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.
[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]
JOEY: You and Milton have to join uson the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day ofit.
JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I betterget back. Hope the baby feels better.
JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye byeJeannie.
JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.
JOEY: What a phony.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'llteach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
JOEY: Sir.
MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receivethe systems report until next Friday?
CHANDLER: Well the people in mygroup wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.
MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.
JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?
CHANDLER: It's about cutting mypeople a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some roughnumbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.
MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?
JOEY: This company was not built onrough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.
MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.
JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?
CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to killyou.
JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figureJoseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, rufflesome feathers.
CHANDLER: Why?
JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that'swhat Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it.'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a rollof duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]
RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?
MONICA: This is for the scratchytwins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.
RICHARD: You're strict.
MONICA: It's for their own good.
RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under.See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.
MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that Ican be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like itbetter now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?
RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
MONICA: Very good.
RICHARD: Thank you.
MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'mgonna do your clocks.
RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.
MONICA: I'm gonna set them to mytime.
RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.
MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom Iset my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.
MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonnatell you now.
RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.
MONICA: No. See you don'tunderstand.
RICHARD: Come on.
MONICA: No. You don't have any ofthese cute little obsessive things.
RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.
MONICA: Oh yeah.
RICHARD: Yeah.
MONICA: Alright, well tell me one ofyours.
RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from mydress socks.
MONICA: What if they get mixed up?
RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
MONICA: You would not. I can'tbelieve this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfrienddoesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.
RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.
[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paperin one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who coversby pretending to write on the paper.]
JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is lookingfor you.
CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr.Douglas looking for me?
JOEY: 'Cause he has a strongsuspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.
CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, whydoes he suspect that?
JOEY: Becasue at first he thought itwas Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, Ijust thought you should know.
CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. LookJoey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if Icould just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'mgonna have to let both of you go.
JOEY: What're you talking about,everybody loves Joseph.
CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph,ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.
JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fireJoseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.
CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So Ican't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.
JOEY: Karen.
CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinkingabout having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.
JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are youdoing to me man.
CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it'smy character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker'swives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. Infact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.
JOEY: Really?
CHANDLER: No freakshow, she'sfictional.
JOEY: Take it easy. If it means thatmuch to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.
CHANDLER: Thank you.
JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonnamiss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out thedoor by the face.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen.Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]
PHOEBE: Can I please take these off?I swear I won't scratch.
RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica'sorders.
RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well thatwasn't easy.
ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.
RACHEL: And there's a peach cobblerwarming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problemfor you.
ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.
PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]
ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppetshow.
PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can'tsee which finger I'm holding up.
[Ross and Rachel leave.]
RYAN: Wine?
PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the corkwith his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]
RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.
PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up withher mits.]
RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautifultonight.
PHOEBE: What?
RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.
PHOEBE: Oh.
[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get thebuttons undone.]
PHOEBE: You know what, that's it,that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]
[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes onelook, and goes right back out the door.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.]
RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.
MONICA: What's up?
RICHARD: I thought of a thing.
MONICA: Yeah?
RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.
MONICA: No honey. You have to sleepon this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.
MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have aside of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.
RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.
MONICA: Alright, go on.
RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in Californiaand otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.
RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is inuniform, getting ready to leave.]
RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were youshipping off to?
RYAN: I really can't say.
ROSS: So do you have like anynuclear weapons on board?
RYAN: I can't say.
RACHEL: Well do you get to lookthrough one of those like, those periscope thingys.
RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.
ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learningabout submarines.
RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.
PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.
ROSS: Bye Ryan.
RYAN: Pleasure.
RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.
RYAN: Take care.
[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]
RACHEL: So do you uh, think we canget you one of those uh, uniform things?
ROSS: You like that do ya?
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runsoff.]
RACHEL: Ok.
[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]
RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?
PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any ofthe romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and yaknow, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]
RYAN: Taxi.
PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drivesoff. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the windowand laughs.]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.]
RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-...Hey sailor.
ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?
RACHEL: I'll say.
[Ross picks her up.]
ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.
RACHEL: Well then uh, we better makethis night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn offthe cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Ohno no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carriesher to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turnoff the bathroom light.
ROSS: Alright you know, why don't Ijust meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lowerback.] END |
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