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201 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend [Scene:Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see amontague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]
PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty muchwhat's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever,but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, likecats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her"but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was inlove with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to theairport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Rosswas getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty mucheverything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season,Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming offwith another woman.]
RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. (Shedecides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me!(She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)
ROSS: Rache!
RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so,so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, whathappened?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: You're bleeding.
RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes Iam. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna heareverything! (Looks at Julie)
ROSS: Well, where do I start? This isJulie. Julie, this is Rachel.
RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you.(to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.)Welcome to our country.
JULIE: (Loudly, proving she can speakEnglish.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'lljust use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airportwith Ross.]
CHANDLER: No way!
MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to theairport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This isbigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
JOEY: Um, this?
PHOEBE: Yes.
MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks toVidal Buffay.
PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, (in thatvoice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
RACHEL: (entering, out of breath)Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.
CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tellus something. Quick, get the verbs.
RACHEL: (to Chandler) You, you, you saidhe liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!
ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we gotthe bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
JOEY: What up?!
ROSS: Everyone, this is Julie.
RACHEL: (out of breath) Julie.
ALL: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, youhaven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don'thave 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
ROSS: And bus.
JULIE: Oh my god.
ROSS: The screaming guy?
JULIE: And the spitting?
ROSS: You gotta hear this story.
JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily200 years old...
ROSS: At least.
JULIE: ...and this guy--
RACHEL: And the chicken poops in herlap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, Ijust heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how,how did this happen?
JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in gradschool together.
ROSS: But we haven't seen each othersince then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.
RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great?I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
MONICA: It's an expression.
ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say aquick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
JULIE: And then we've gotta get somesleep.
ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrownight our time.
CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell uswhat's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.
(Ross and Julie exit)
RACHEL: Bye. (She closes the door andeveryone tries to sympathize with her.)
[Scene:Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]
ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get somecoffee?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure.
ROSS: Thank you.
CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get--
RACHEL: Did you talk to him?
CHANDLER: Not yet.
RACHEL: Then, no.
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to youin China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, youknow.
ROSS: I know, I know I was, but therewas always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen,move on. You know whose voice that was?
CHANDLER: God?
ROSS: It was you, pal.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doingme.
ROSS: Look, you were right. She looksat me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know,we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it withher if it hadn't been for you.
CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy.
RACHEL: Here's your lemonade.
ROSS: I didn't order lemonade.
RACHEL: Oh. Well then, you better gotake that back because they're gonna charge you for that.
ROSS: But--
RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! (toChandler) So then, well, what did you find out?
CHANDLER: He said, he said that they'rehaving a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, isthat he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.
RACHEL: How is that the silver lining?
CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching TV.]
ROSS: Ironically, these are the guyswho were picked last in gym.
[cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'mthinking?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so longsince you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?
MONICA: No, although now that's what I'mthinking.
PHOEBE: All right, so what were youthinking?
MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that yougave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
PHOEBE: Ohh! No.
MONICA: Why not?
PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'mincredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
MONICA: No you're not.
PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, andI was trying to spare your feelings.
(The phone rings.)
JOEY: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh,hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)
ROSS: (on phone) Hello? Hi.
CHANDLER: (entering) Hi. Anybody know agood tailor?
JOEY: Needs some clothes altered?
CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for aman to draw on me with chalk.
JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? Myfamily's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. Nowait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?
CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip whenthere's resistance!
ROSS: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart,I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hangup. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn'thang up either.
RACHEL: She didn't hang up either!
ROSS: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You,you, y--
RACHEL: (taking the phone and hanging itup) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
RACHEL: Okay!
ROSS: (calls Julie back) Hi? Sorry, we got disconnected...
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happento me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Rosswas just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guythat I can't have.
MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to havehim too.
RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonnadeal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julieon the phone.) I gotta get out of here.
CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guyssay, something's bothering her.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen.
MONICA: Please, just a little bit offthe back.
PHOEBE: I'm still on "no".
RACHEL: (poking her head in from herbedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just asec?
JOEY: No no no no no, (grabs hispants) I'm not fallin' for that again.
PHOEBE: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thinglast night.
CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do?
PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti!
PHOEBE: Ewww!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's continued from earlier.]
RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just goget dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye.
MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen?
RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda raninto him last night.
PHOEBE: Where?
RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice?
JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact thatyou dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
RACHEL: Oh God, I know I'm a patheticloser.
MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic,you're sad.
CHANDLER: People do stupid things whenthey're upset.
MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel forevery guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake.
ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but wewere--well, there was touching.
PAOLO: Hey, hey Ross.
ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doinghere?
PAOLO: I do Raquel.
ROSS: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that aproblem?
ROSS: No, not a problem.
RACHEL: Good! I'm glad it's not aproblem.
PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to nottouch my ass.
CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummybagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.
JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you seeFrankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be ableto crack that code?
MONICA: You know it's funny, the lasttime Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you haveto promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica aboutit.
MONICA: I promise.
PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you aregonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feela thing.
[Scene:Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut.]
PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit.
MONICA: What? I didn't say anything.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face ofa person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know,doesn't trust a person.
MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe.It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what Iam doing. This is how he wears it.
MONICA: How who wears it?
PHOEBE: Demi Moore.
MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he.
PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur,and in Ten.
MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said Iwanted it like Demi Moore.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god!
MONICA: Oh my god!
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Whichone's Demi Moore?
MONICA: She's the actress who wasin Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.
PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
MONICA: I KNOW!
[Scene:Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants altered.]
FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs?
CHANDLER: At least as long as I have thepants.
FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do yourinseam.
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makesa rather surprised face.)
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playingher doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
RACHEL: How is she?
PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She'sresting, which is a good sign.
ROSS: How's the hair?
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross,it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped thecurling.
JOEY: Can we see her?
PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, Ithink it would upset her. Ross, you come on in. (They go into the bedroomleaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
JOEY: How're you doing?
RACHEL: I'm ok.
JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I cansense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
RACHEL: When I saw him get off thatplane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's likethere's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.
JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how youfeel.
RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tellhim? What about Julie?
JOEY: What about her? They've onlybeen going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.
RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.
JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've beenwith my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share ofwomen. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
CHANDLER: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan!Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!
JOEY: Frankie? What're you talkingabout?
ROSS: (entering from teh bedroom) Hey,what's goin' on?
CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantageof me.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: No way. I've been going to theguy for 12 years.
CHANDLER: He said he was going to do myinseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite--
ROSS: what?
CHANDLER: Cupping.
JOEY: That's how they do pants! Firstthey go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move itback, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn'tthat how they measure pants?
ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison!Whatsa matter with you?
JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out and about.]
MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would'vebeen better.
ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's aTen.
MONICA: Thank you. My hair is veryamused.
CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could beworse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it'scrazy, but it's true.
PHOEBE: Thank you.
ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye,Rache.
RACHEL: (sticking her head in from thebalcony) Wait, are you leaving?
ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meantby "bye!"
RACHEL: Well, can I talk to you for asec?
ROSS: Okay. (goes out onto thebalcony)
JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does thathernia test...
CHANDLER: That's ok.
[Out on the balcony]
ROSS: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and Iare not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go backin time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what? (Rosslaughs)
ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything,I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy,and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back togetherwith the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
RACHEL: No. No-no-no-no.
ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think theguy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way toogood to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciatesyou, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy youare, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'mwith Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am withJulie. Was there a second of all?
RACHEL: No, I think that was the wholeall.
[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]
JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's nothow they measure pants.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene:Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]
JULIE: I was thinking of doing it alittle shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?
PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?
JULIE: Great! (Julie leaves)
PHOEBE: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna bereally sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and aFuneral, right?
RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That'sRodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
RACHEL: You're welcome.
END
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