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216 One WhereJoey Moves Out [Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eatingcereal]
JOEY: Man this is weird. You everrealize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey,the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverwaredrawer.]
CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.
JOEY: What?
CHANDLER: The spoon. You lickedand-and you put. You licked and you put.
JOEY: Yeah, so.
CHANDLER: Well don't you see howgross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets asheepish look] You used my toothbrush?
JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause Iused the red one to unclog the drain.
CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! OhGod. Can open, worms everywhere.
JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the sametoothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It'sself-cleaning.
JOEY: Alright, well next time youtake a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at thetable, Joey and Chandler enter.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads.What's the occasion?
JOEY: Well, you know that guy that'son my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.
PHOEBE: Ahh.
RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK,ready when you are.
PHOEBE: Okey-doke.
MONICA: I can't believe you guys areactually getting tattoos.
CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys aregetting tattoos?
RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tellRoss 'cause I want to surprise him.
JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're yougonna get?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily formy Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.
CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What ifher name was Big Ugly Splotch?
JOEY: So where you gettin' it?
PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder.[Ross enters]
ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?
PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'mgetting a tattoo.
ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would youwant to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.
RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't -you don't think they're kind of cool?
ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me whywould anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't comeout right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all thetime. Why's everyone staring at me?
MONICA: Ross, come sign thisbirthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.
CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to theparty too, huh?
MONICA: Well, he's my parents' bestfriend, he has to be there.
JOEY: Oh, is today the day you'regonna tell them about you two?
MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad'sbirthday, I decided to give him a stroke.
PHOEBE: No, I think you should tellthem.
MONICA: No, I don't even know howserious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.
ROSS: I don't know, I don't thinkmom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dadused to say, 'God I hope they get together.'
[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr.Gellers birthday party.]
ROSS: Alright, shall we?
MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait.You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. Noun-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.
ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could comein straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.
MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.
MONICA: Happy birthday dad.
MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.
ROSS: Hi ma.
RICHARD: Happy birthday.
MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?
ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I thinkMonica thanked him for the both of us.
[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller'sfriends are preparing the cake.]
FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?
MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in thecity. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]
MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry.Here, let me get that mom.
MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.
MONICA: Are we still on that?
MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so thateverything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]
[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]
JOEY: Can you believe this place?
CHANDLER: I know, this is a greatapartment.
JOEY: Ah, I was just in thebathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in thereit's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.
CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasycome true. No, seriously.
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.
JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin',great apartment man.
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?
JOEY: Huh?
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely takethis one.
JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in aplace like this?
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll showyou the kitchen.
CHANDLER: [being left behind] Ohthat's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking.OK.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richardwhile Ross observes.]
MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.
FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.
RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.
MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
ROSS: Dad, you really don't want todo that.
MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?
MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got thePorsche. You... you got your own little speedster.
RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the carand I cou. . .
ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finishthat sentence.
MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]
PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily?This lily or that lily?
RACHEL: Well I. . .
PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's moreopen, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh,Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl,you're with me.
PHOEBE: Here we go.
RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.
PHOEBE: You're not going?
RACHEL: Uh-huh.
PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'causeof what Ross said?
RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.
PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Isthis how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon whatis this, 1922?
RACHEL: What's 1922?
PHOEBE: Just, you know, long timeago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there wassuffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get thistattoo?
RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just thatRoss is. . .
PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriendthe boss of you?
RACHEL: No.
PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss ofyou?!!
RACHEL: You?
PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you.Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richardcomes in.]
RICHARD: How ya doin'?
MONICA: I'm a twinkie.
RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.
MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.
RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.
MONICA: Maybe we should just tellyour parents first.
RICHARD: My parents are dead.
MONICA: God, you are so lucky. Imean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.
RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first,alright.
MONICA: Alright.
RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going tothe bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.
MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.
[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr.Geller peeks his head in.]
MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn'tbelieve I have one.
MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.
MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.
MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. Infact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.
MRS. GELLER: Really.
MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.
MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?
MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.
MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.
MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning fromtheir brunch.]
JOEY: Can we drop this? I am notinterested in the guy's apartment.
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the wayyou were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
JOEY: Why would I want anotherapartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill youto say it once in a while.
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth?I'm thinkin' about it.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old,I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough moneythat I don't need a roommate anymore.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don'tneed a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I mayhave to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
JOEY: What're you gettin' so bentout of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We'renot Bert and Ernie.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? Ifthis is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
JOEY: Well that's how I feel.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you shouldtake it.
JOEY: Well then maybe I will.
CHANDLER: Fine with me.
JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able tospend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter lookingparticularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]
MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?
MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.
ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?
MONICA: You remember that video Ifound of mom and dad?
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Well, I just caught the liveshow.
ROSS: Eww.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in thekitchen.]
MONICA: Hey there.
RICHARD: What?
MONICA: Nothing, I just heardsomething nice about you.
RICHARD: Humm, really?
[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]
MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?
RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.
MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?
RICHARD: That - that's an idea.
MONICA: Well, actually, I'm alreadyseeing someone.
MRS. GELLER: Oh?
RICHARD: Oh?
ROSS: Ohh.
MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?
ROSS: Mom, there are so many peoplein my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is thatcrystal?
MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?
MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.
MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?
MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Ofcourse he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'dlike him. [she puts her arm around Richard]
MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I
MONICA: Mom, it's OK.
RICHARD: It is Judy.
MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!
MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.
ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs thebat]
MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.
MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.
MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.
MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?
RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.
MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys,this is the best relationship I've been in. . .
MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.
MONICA: Yes, a relationship. Foryour information I am crazy about this man.
RICHARD: Really?
MONICA: Yes.
MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?
MONICA: Dad, dad this is a goodthing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richardhappier.
MR. GELLER: When did I say that?
MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroomright before you felt up mom.
[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]
PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh Ilove it.
RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe,I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.
PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yoursagain.
RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, letme see yours.
PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirtand shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't knowhow-where it went.
RACHEL: You didn't get it?
PHOEBE: No.
RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you dothis to me? This was all your idea.
PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I wasgonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you knowthey do this with needles?
RACHEL: Really? You don't say,because mine was licked on by kittens.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joeyenters.]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry aboutwhat happened. . .
CHANDLER: Yeah me too.
JOEY: I know. Yeah.
CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hughere or. . .
JOEY: No, we're alright.
CHANDLER: So I got ya something.[tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]
JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.
CHANDLER: Lick away my man.
JOEY: These'll go great in my newplace. You know, 'till I get real ones.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: Well, I can't use theseforever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.
CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what'sthis about your new place?
JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talkedabout.
CHANDLER: Well I didn't think thatwas serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.
JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . .based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. Ijust think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.
CHANDLER: Well, there you go.
JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. Imean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.
CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never beenlower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a gameroom or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.
JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keepthe table?
CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.
JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for theother half.
CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell youwhat, I'll play you for it.
JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can taketwo minutes out of my day to kick your ass.
CHANDLER: Your little men are gonnaget scored on more times than your sister.
JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Whichsister?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting thetable.]
MONICA: So, are you sorry that Itold them?
RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.
[Rachel and Phoebe enter]
RACHEL: Oh.
MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Letme see.
RACHEL: Is Ross here?
MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.
RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monicaher tattoo]
MONICA: That's great.
RICHARD: Very tasteful.
PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna seemine?
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.
PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this?[shows her bare shoulder]
RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?
PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.
RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, thatis a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with aneedle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your informationthis is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from agreat distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap.That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily,you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends overand bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]
ROSS: You got a tattoo?
RACHEL: Maybe. But just a littleone. Phoebe got the whole world.
ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]
RACHEL: Well?
ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. Iwouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.
RACHEL: Really?
ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or canyou do stuff?
RACHEL: I guess.
ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [theygo off to Rachel's room]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for thetable.]
JOEY: Get out of the corner. Passit, pass it.
CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men.[Joey scores]
JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.
CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandlerleaves]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]
JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonnacome visit me, right?
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the bigTV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] exceptwhen we are here.
PHOEBE: I know you're just movinguptown but I'm really gonna miss you.
MONICA: I know, how can you not beaccross the hall anymore.
RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat allour food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell youdoin' with my bra?
JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's notwhat you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off theroof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accrossthe street.
CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, Iremember.
ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest ofthese down to the truck.
[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]
CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want meto uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?
JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need thepractice.
CHANDLER: Thanks.
JOEY: So, I guess this is it.
CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guessso.
[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]
JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know whenI'm gonna see you again.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh,tonight at the coffee house.
JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, takecare.
CHANDLER: Yeah.
[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a bighug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]
CLOSING CREDITS
END |
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