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204 The One WithPhoebe's Husband [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]
RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. Thatwas 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I wouldnever do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safebuilding, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table]OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK,that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you.[grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentlecomedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, ohmy God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at thedoor] It's open you guys.
[a stranger enters with flowers]
STRANGER: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?
STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking forPhoebe, does she still live here?
RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but Ican, I can get a message to her.
STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell herher husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar]
RACHEL: What? [in surprise sheforgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]
STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you dothat?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachelsapartment. The whole gang is there.]
JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs,how can you be married?
PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not marriedmarried, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada andhe just needed a green card.
MONICA: I can't believe you marriedDuncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each othereverything.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knewif I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.
MONICA: Of course I wouldn'tapprove, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. Imean, what the hell were you thinking?
ROSS: You see, and you thought she'dbe judgemental.
PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love withhim and I was just helping out a friend.
MONICA: Please, when he left townyou stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
ALL: Huuh.
MONICA: Well, didn't you?
PHOEBE: I might have.
MONICA: I can't believe you didn'ttell me.
PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell meeverything.
MONICA: What have I not told you?
PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, howabout the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours fromwhen you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.
RACHEL: What!
MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you?[turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat.
CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a bigsecret.
MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all,you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.
PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?
CHANDLER: You bitch.
ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.
CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' tosee, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to yourother multi-functional nipples?
JOEY: I can't believe you. You toldme it was a nubbin.
ROSS: Joey, what did you think anubbin was?
JOEY: I don't know, you seesomethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. Thenubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.
ALL: Huuh.
CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'mtakin' everybody with me.
ROSS: You were in a porno?
JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright,alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute Icouldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix thecopier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
MONICA: That is wild.
ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's itshaped like?
PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
JOEY: What happens if you flick it?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler,Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]
ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything,you know, special?
CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing mythird nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
JULIE: You know, in some cultureshaving a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts andwomen dance naked around you.
CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of thesecultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?
ROSS: You know, you are so amazing,is there anything you, you don't know?
RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter]Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you tohook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're justgonna have to get over it.
RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to getover it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.
[Phoebe enters all dressed up]
ALL: Woah.
JOEY: Foxy lady.
JULIE: Where you goin'?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meetDuncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades.Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.
MONICA: I can't believe you'redressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all overagain.
PHOEBE: OK, no. For your informationI'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and thereason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for yourgay husband.
ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh,darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest andflips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, becauseof the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .
[Scene: Central Perk close toclosing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]
ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see youlater.
JULIE: See you later Rach.
RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]
[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel inthe butt.]
RACHEL: Hey.
ROSS: Hey.
[Ross kicks her again]
RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.
ROSS: Hey?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?
RACHEL: Sure.
ROSS: Naa.
RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.
ROSS: OK, what's the longest you'vebeen in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . .Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?
ROSS: Technically, huh, no.
RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'causeshe's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes itfeel like school?
ROSS: No, no, she's great and it'snot like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of otherstuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .
RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need toknow the details.
ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You,you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be alesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become,like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't thinkit's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: I think it's sexy.
ROSS: Sexy?
RACHEL: Let me tell you something.As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.
ROSS: No kidding?
RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you knowwhat I'd do?
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: I'd wait.
ROSS: You'd wait?
RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would waitand wait. . . then I'd wait some more.
ROSS: Really?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care howmuch she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tellsyou she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it'sworking.
ROSS: Women really want this?
RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachelstruts off, extremely pleased with herself]
[Scene: Madison Square Garden.Duncan's dressing room.]
PHOEBE: Hi.
DUNCAN: Phoebe!
PHOEBE: Ta-da.
DUNCAN: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hi.
DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you lookgreat.
PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.
DUNCAN: Thanks.
PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this ispretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just,like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.
DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it.
PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'mkind of spooky that way. Wooo.
DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'mgonna get changed.
PHOEBE: OK.
DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.
PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.
DUNCAN: What?
PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncanleaves] Ole, ha ha ha.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross andJulie are setting the table.]
ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for asecond, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]
[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.]
CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.
JULIE: Yeah?
CHANDLER: Sorry, you had apaleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.
ROSS: Hi everyone.
ALL: Hi.
ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, Iwanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.
RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. Soyou're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
ROSS: Well, I was going to, butafter I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
RACHEL: What did, what did he say?
ROSS: Basically he told me to getover myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and Ithough about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Afterdinner. Chandler enters.]
CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket?Why it's Joey's porno movie.
ROSS: Pop it in.
JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, ifyou're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts thetape in]
RACHEL: Great, people having sex,that's just what I need to see.
ROSS: What's wrong with peoplehaving sex?
RACHEL: Well, well um, you know,these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, andthe lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.
MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.
[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]
JULIE: So is there like a story ordo they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.
CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute.That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
MONICA: All I say is, she better getthe job.
ROSS: Looks to me like he's the onegetting the job.
JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here Icome. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin'what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say,wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.
JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait waitwait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am,there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
[Scene: Madison Square Garden,Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]
PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, youcame to see me yesterday.
DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, Ikinda need a divorce.
PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?
DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm gettingmarried again.
PHOEBE: What?
DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how totell you this. I'm straight.
PHOEBE: Huuh.
DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.
PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don'tunderstand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funnyand you throw such great Academy Award parties.
DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kepttelling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
PHOEBE: So how long have you known?
DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level Ialways knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, youknow, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.
PHOEBE: And um, and there's actuallya, a woman?
DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.
PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she thefirst that you've been with?
DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you thisbut, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk,go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I toldmyself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
PHOEBE: Sure.
DUNCAN: But now I know I don't havea choice about this, I was born this way.
PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say.I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think youknow him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'
DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me.
PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have justfigured this out six years ago?
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyoneis sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]
MONICA: You know, it still smellslike monkey in there.
JULIE: That saves us a conversation.
CHANDLER: Well, listen, this hasbeen great but I'm officially wiped.
JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.
RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'monyou guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we neverjust hang out and talk anymore.
MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do.
RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, whatabout Julie?
JULIE: What about Julie?
RACHEL: Well, you have been in ourlives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who isJulie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.
JULIE: Well, that could take awhile.
RACHEL: So. I mean, who here doesnot have the time to get to know Julie?
CHANDLER: I got the time to get toknow Julie.
JOEY: I got time.
MONICA: Rach, I know her prettywell, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's fine.
RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's startwith your childhood, what was that like?
JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .
RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden,Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]
PHOEBE: So, um, have you told yourparents?
DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they'repretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .
PHOEBE: [handing him the papers]Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you hadfigured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I wouldhave been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th inkeither answer would make me feel better.
DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hugand kiss]
PHOEBE: So your brother's straighhuh? Seriously.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie istelling her live story.]
JULIE: And my second grade teacherwas Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?
JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.
RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in acobb salad?
CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.
RACHEL: What?
[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]
JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker,huh?
ROSS: Goodnight.
RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you'reprobably uh, not still planning on. . .
ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.
RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are younervous?
ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done itbefore.
RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, howare you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about itbefore hand, are you just gonna pounce?
ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guessI'm just gonna see, see what happens.
RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.
ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?
RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it isyour first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, wellthen that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.
RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.
ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put itoff, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, yaknow, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just,I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.
ROSS: What, it's not your fault.
RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn'thave to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with thiswhole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
ROSS: Really?
RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, Imean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catchme off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort ofum, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look farinto my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about tohappen.
ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk]Uh-huh.
RACHEL: And then, I don't know, Imean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, youknow, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, andblurry, and then it's just happening.
ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach,goodnight. [goes back in apartment]
RACHEL: Ohh, God.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: The next morning on thestreet. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two oldladies are sitting on a bench.]
ROSS: Good morning.
OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got somelast night.
ROSS: Twice. END |
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