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203 The One WhereMr. Heckles Dies CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: So how was Joan?
CHANDLER: I broke up with her.
CHANDLER: They were huge. When shesneezed, bats flew out of them.
RACHEL: Come on, they were not thathuge.
CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leanedback, I could see her brain.
MONICA: How many perfectly fine womenare you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta sidewith Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a coupleof times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggestAdam's apple. It made me nuts.
CHANDLER: You or me?
ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don'thave Adam's apples.
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me,right?
ALL: Yeah.
JOEY: That was a good one. For asecond there, I was like, "whoa."
PHOEBE: You name one woman that youbroke up with for a real reason.
CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.
ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a realreason.
(knock)
MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.
MONICA: We're not doing anything.
MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbingmy birds.
RACHEL: You don't have birds.
MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.
MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try tokeep it down.
MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoinmy dinner party.
RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gottagive me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
ROSS: We'll give you Janice.
PHOEBE: I miss Janice though."Hello, Chandler Bing."
RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."
JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now,that's it. There, faster!"
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're notmaking noise.
RACHEL: We won. We won!
MONICA: Mr. Heckles.
RACHEL: How did this happen?
MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. Theyfound a broom in his hand.
MONICA: That's terrible.
MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin'yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS:Sure, sweepin'. You never know.
MR. TREEGER: You never know.
PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I canstill sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes theyneed help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of thingsthat I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
JOEY: Such as?
PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or theBermuda triangle, or evolution?
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, youdon't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.
ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, youknow...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it'sa little too easy.
ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process ofevery living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years fromsingle-celled organisms, too easy?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is notfor you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the airwe breathe, like gravity.
PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started ongravity.
ROSS: You uh, you don't believe ingravity?
PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that youknow, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately Iget the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(knock)
CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, andhe's pissed.
MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there,that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd liketo talk to you.
MONICA: What can we do for you?
MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's thedeal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthlypossessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".
MONICA: Well, what about his family?
MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.
RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.
MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let'stalk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
MONICA: I can't believe that this wholetime we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touchsomeone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? Hehated us. This is his final revenge!
RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?
CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartmentsullies the good name of crap
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?
ROSS: How can you not believe inevolution?
PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funkyshirt!
ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolutionmy entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from allover the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? Youcan literally see them evolving through time.
PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?
ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China,Africa, all over.
PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.
ROSS: Well, there you go.
PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real questionis, who put those fossils there, and why?
CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My BigBook of Grievances."
JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th.Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look,you're in here too.
CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise.Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that'sexcellent.
RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at thislamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
MONICA: Rache, I think we have enoughregular lamps.
RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'masking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think isvery cool.
MONICA: It doesn't go with any of mystuff.
RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?
MONICA: You don't have any stuff.
RACHEL: You still think of it as yourapartment, don't you?
MONICA: No.
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it asyour apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
MONICA: Mmmmm.
RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" onit for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm makingthese little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explainopposable thumbs?
PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed themto steer their spacecrafts.
ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.
PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that youbelieve in something, and I don't.
ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok,because--
PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need youhave to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, Ithink maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
ROSS: Is there blood coming out of myears?
JOEY: Check it out, check it out.Heckles' high school yearbook.
CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.
PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.
JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me upin science class. You're the funniest kid in school.
CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?
JOEY: That's what it says.
CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted classclown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?
PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.
CHANDLER: Whoa!
JOEY: What?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band,and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well,there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Bigdeal.
CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, youknow? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?
JOEY: Have you been here all night?
CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of allthe women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, tootall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is,this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nutcase.
CHANDLER: Our trains are on the sametrack, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are allthe same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
JOEY: All right, you know what wegotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let'sgo.
CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Orworse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it"supposably"?
JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonnafind somebody.
CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?
JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' tohelp you out.
CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are allgonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise mesomething? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't knowwhat we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?
CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.
JOEY: You can come over and watch theSuper Bowl. Every year, all right?
CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna endup like this. I'll see you man.
JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did theygo to the zoo? Supposably.
CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.
JANICE: Oh, my, god.
PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?
CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that sodifficult for you to comprehend?
ROSS: You remember Janice, right?
CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she waspretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to havesomebody.
JANICE: Helloo!!
CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!
JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.
JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.
CHANDLER: Janice, you're--
JANICE: Yes, I am.
CHANDLER: Is it--?
JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish,Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.
CHANDLER: Congratulations.
JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me aboutthis on the phone?
JANICE: And what? Missed the expressionon your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what wehaven't played in a while?
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Hide the Lamp.
RACHEL: Monica, let it go.
MONICA: Did you know I was allergic toshellfish?
RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have toeat the other lamps.
PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In thisbriefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will.Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start,I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of thepossibilities.
ROSS: It's the only possibility,Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just openyour mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds inthe world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 yearsago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open,and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that youare so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tinypossibility that you could be wrong about this?
ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny,possibility.
PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.
ROSS: What?
PHOEBE: You just abandoned your wholebelief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least Irespected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, howare you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to faceyourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.
MONICA: Ok, all right. It was anaccident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and thelamp, and it broke.
RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You'vealways hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?
MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!
PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because Iwas putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just brokemy seashell lamp.
CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
RACHEL: Ok, you win.
MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna diealone.
CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok?And now I have to get a snake.
PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?
CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonelyman, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway whoeats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. CrazySnake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk pastmy place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'llshout!
MONICA: You have got to get over this.You're not gonna end up alone.
CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyonewho's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the factthat there aren't any great women out there.
RACHEL: Chandler, you have justdescribed virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
MONICA: You are not a freak. You're aguy.
RACHEL: She's right. She's right. Youare no different than the rest of them.
MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute.Yes he is. You are totally different.
CHANDLER: In a bad way?
MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. Youknow what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to takerisks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end upalone.
PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice!That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
MONICA: You made it!
PHOEBE: You're there!
RACHEL: You are ready to make acommitment!
CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.
RACHEL: What you got there? Somethingelse that's not yours that you can break?
MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this,and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
RACHEL: Thank you.
MONICA: That's fine.
CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all bepleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, fromwork. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off onasking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'mnot gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycleyearbooks, can you?
CHANDLER: I'll take that.
JOEY: You want his yearbook?
CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people saidsome nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. Imean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, Ithink it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean,he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.
RACHEL: It's really not that big!
CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?
JOEY: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: You comin'?
CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr.Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
ALISON: Oh, my major was totallyuseless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see"Philosopher wanted"?
CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a bighead! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My headmust look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick,quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Bighead, big head, big head!)
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