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224 The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding [Scene:Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters]
RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the auditiongo?
JOEY: Incredible! I met the directorthis time and you'll never believe who it was.
ALL: Who?
JOEY: All right. I'll give you onehint. Warren Beatty.
ALL: Wow!
JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thingthat might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darncute.
JOEY: No, as part of the audition.See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, Isay you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or youjust do it.
JOEY: I did do it, I'm aprofessional.
MONICA: Then what's the problem?
JOEY: See after the scene, Mr.Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that,me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
PHOEBE: Well, come on, who careswhat that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler andMonica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: continued from earlier]
CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agentsay?
JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing isdefiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gottafigure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here andkiss me.
MONICA: What, forget it!
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
JOEY: Come on, I need your helphere.
PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, Ikissed him before I can do it again.
JOEY: You see this, this is afriend.
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they movein to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good,very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.
JOEY: Then I don't know what it is.What's the problem?
MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe yourjust not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that'swhat you need to work on.
JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looksat Ross)
ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looksat Chandler)
CHANDLER: And I'll be using his deadbody as a shield.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe,Monica, and Richard are there]
ROSS: (entering from Rachel'sbedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, andunder his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell hershe looks good.
(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bowon her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)
PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you lookso good!
RACHEL: I can not believe I have towalk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drinkwhen your nauseous.
ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to thisthing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.
RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy Iwould.
MONICA: Yeah, well you promisedBarry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safetybetween Richard's legs)
RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go,I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a roomagain with these people and feel good about myself.
(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)
PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearingthe same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?
CHANDLER: I may have.
MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!
ROSS: What's she look like?
CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactlymet, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.
MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!
CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, Iseriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defendedand quipy...
ROSS: Get out!
RACHEL: Nooo!
MONICA: Please!
CHANDLER: Well she totally called meon it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.
RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?
CHANDLER: It's like this, me, nojokes.
PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you'refreaking me out.
RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guyslater.
ALL: Bye, Richard.
MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) Ilove you.
RICHARD: I love you, too.
(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)
PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever sodreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
MONICA: What are you talking about?What wedding?
PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talkthat.
MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we'reliving in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hungup on 'Where is this going?'
RACHEL: Afraid to ask him?
MONICA: Could not be more terrified.
CHANDLER: Well, I think you shouldseriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress uplike Princess Bubble Yum.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richardand Monica are playing with Ben.]
MONICA: (holding up a blanket)Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny,there he is.
RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they cantell grown ups to cut it out.
MONICA: Hey, you know I got aquestion for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.
RICHARD: Okay.
MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like,think about the future?
RICHARD: Sure I do.
MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?
RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.
MONICA: Oh God, you are about to getsooo lucky.
RICHARD: Oh, yeah!
MONICA: Keep talkin'.
RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could moveto France, make French toast.
MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're inFrance, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?
RICHARD: Like a hound?
MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.
RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?
MONICA: Well, I just think the babywould keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in ourfuture.
RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RICHARD: Look I want you, now.
MONICA: That's Great. You know wedon't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way,in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend onthe internet.]
JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want thispart soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.
CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!
[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look likeLittle Bo Peep, and Ross enter]
RACHEL: Hey!
CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don'thave your sheep.
JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you lookcute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you Icould eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).
ROSS: Get away from me I said no!
MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed.He's waiting downstairs.
JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I shouldrun down say bye to him (runs out)
ALL: Bye.
PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.
(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)
PHOEBE: So how's your date with yourcyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).
CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it'sthe, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likesart, and I like funny words.
PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?
CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we'reholding hands.
PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?
CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might justbe.
PHOEBE: You know, what I think is sogreat that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she couldbe like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.
CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, allright, I know her.
PHOEBE: It could be like a big giantguy.
JOEY: (entering) Man, I got thisclose to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What'sgoing on?
PHOEBE: We were just wondering ifChandler's girlfriend is a girl.
JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her howlong she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
CHANDLER: How do you not fall downmore?
PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her currentmethod of birth control?'
CHANDLER: All right. (reading heranswer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!
PHOEBE: Well at least we know she'sa woman.
CHANDLER: I can't believe she'smarried.
JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (startsrubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and startscomfroting him looking for a kiss).
[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding,Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby]
MONICA: So, I read this article inthe paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice atweddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both startlaughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.
MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, youknow I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to thinkabout.
RICHARD: Neither am I.
[Scene: later the bridesmaids andushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]
ROSS: Hey, there.
RACHEL: Hi.
ROSS: Are you all right?
RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in thebathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I juststarted thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people aregoing to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.
ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay,all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
RACHEL: God I know, you're right.
(Annoying wedding planner enters)
WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time.Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.
RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after thething.
ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses herand leaves)
RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.
[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dressis bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: after the wedding, Ross andRachel are in the lobby]
RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tellme!
ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposedto do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'
RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooohumiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was inthe eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entireschool. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Ohmy God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.
ROSS: Rach, hey look, I rememberthat, it wasn't so bad.
RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, yougot me, I'm dating you.
MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!
RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs.Wineburg.
MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardlyexpected to see so much.
MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.
MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!
MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.
MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.
RACHEL: Okay, now that is the thirdtime someone has said something like that to me today.
MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!
RACHEL: Oh, hi!
MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!
RACHEL: I know.
MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.
RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud ofyou, Min.
BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they werepacking up the chopped liver about now.
RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um,I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to seeme up and about?
MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told peoplethat you were sort of....insane.
RACHEL: Insane!
MINDY: ...from the syphilis.
RACHEL: What?!
BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.
[Scene:Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on thephone.]
JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen,what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe youcould bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walksinto
his room)
(the computer bing, bongs)
PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her,that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what'swrong?
CHANDLER: What's wrong? What'swrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
(bing, bong)
PHOEBE: Oh, my.
CHANDLER: What?
PHOEBE: She wants to meet you inperson.
CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wantedto meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.
PHOEBE: What if the husband personis the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances likethis all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourselfwhen your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go,man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandlerruns and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower,'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No,you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to thecomputer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandlerwalks slowly into the kitchen)
[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception,Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw apiece of candy into his mouth.]
MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Comeon, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in theback of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.
MONICA: You know what, maybe I don'tneed to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is whatsociety, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees twolittle girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I justdo.
BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, makinga toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) Iremember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...
ALL: What?!
BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech.(gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much.Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...
RACHEL: What.
BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would'vehad the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it withtheir asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)
ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to,uh, to add something to that...
RACHEL: Why are you adding, why areyou adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?
ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'mRachel's boyfriend.
RACHEL: Oh dear God.
ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just liketo say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And,uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.(da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason shewalked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentallyworked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't getone) Cheers.
RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in theparking lot.
ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!
BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?
RACHEL: (after a pause with everyonestaring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm notgonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself thatI would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). Seenow, tonight, all I
really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace anddignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen.There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her namewas Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers inher hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."
ROSS: Marenge,
RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge,thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tonyalways tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."
ROSS: Everybody!
RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana(everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-paCa-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....
[Scene: later, Richard and Monicaare dancing]
RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.
MONICA: You'll do what?
RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
MONICA: Oh my God!
RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feedingthing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team. MONICA: Really? RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wannalose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
MONICA: You're the most wonderfulman. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd besaying 'okay, let's do it.'
RICHARD: But you're not.
MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believewhat I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have onewith someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
RICHARD: God. I love you.
MONICA: I know you do. Me too.(pause) So what now?
RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler,Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick toarrive]
CHANDLER: Where is she, Where isshe? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler,she'll be here.
CHANDLER: (noticing a beautifulblond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.
ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'causelife's just that kind.
PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stopstaring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking atit then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is trynot to...
(Chandler's date walks in)
CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)
JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!!(Chandler rushes over and kisses her)
ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey isreading a script as Ross enters]
ROSS: All right I've been feelingincredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I ama good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).
JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend,'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hellof a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. END |
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