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222 The One Withthe Two Parties [Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler aresitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume,including big fake breasts.]
MONICA: So, I'll get candles and mymom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it tobe special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
ALL: Ohhh.
MONICA: What?
ROSS: Question. Why do we alwayshave to have parties where you poach things?
MONICA: You wanna be in charge ofthe food committee?
ROSS: Question two. Why do we alwayshave to have parties with committees?
JOEY: Really. Why can't we just getsome pizzas and get some beers and have fun?
ROSS: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, Ithink fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just notsure we are.
MONICA: Alright. If you guys don'twant it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]
MONICA: Joey they're not real. Istart miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See[squeezes her breast] honk honk.
CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like pornofor clowns.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler,Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]
ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters,neither of them can come.
MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have toinvite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, noShannon Cooper.
PHOEBE: Why not her?
JOEY: Cause she uh, she stealsstuff.
CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't stealstuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
MONICA: Joey that is horriable.
JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright.Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buythat, ok.
[Rachel enters]
ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go?
RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduationfrom hell.
CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went tohell on a football scholarship.
RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this issupposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobodythought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island woulddo for a Celica.
MONICA: So what happened?
RACHEL: My parents happened. Allthey had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk aboutthe divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of thecommencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But youknow what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8hours.
PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don'tinvite her parents.
MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?
CHANDLER: Why her mom?
MONICA: Cause I already invited her.
PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask StacyRoth?
JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. Shealso steals.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.]
PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthdaycandles. Where's the birthday cake?
MONICA: Ok, we're not havingbirthday cake, we're having birthday flan.
CHANDLER: Excuse me?
MONICA: It's a traditional Mexicancustard dessert.
JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthdayRachel, here's some goo.
[knock at the door]
MONICA: [answers the door] Dr.Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?
MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
MONICA: No no, the father can, butum, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll passalong the message, ok. So bye-bye.
MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.
MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just asurprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandlerand Joey.
MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachelcomes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?
CHANDLER: This isn't your firstsurprise party, is it sir?
[knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene]
MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.
[Monica slams the door back shut]
MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot themenus.
CHANDLER: So, basically just aChinese guy.
JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don'tyou come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk intoRachel's bedroom]
MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that?
MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, Ithought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?
CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you lookso young.
PHOEBE: And because you're both, youknow, white women.
MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that forya.
MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takesthe hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive,all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in thebedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me onthe way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]
PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off]Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but Ireally have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll belike we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon.[they go in the bathroom]
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh myGod.
CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jackand Chrissy do?
JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now thatyour coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we cancome back out in the living room.
MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I,I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um.Why again?
MONICA: Because that's where theparty is you goon. See this is just the staging area.
JOEY: Right this is staging.
CHANDLER: Yeah, this more thananything else, is the staging area.
JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr.Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This isclearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]
[Scene: Later on in the hallwaybetween the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.]
CHANDLER: Alright you guys are offto party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you areoff to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try tofollow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment]Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.
MONICA: Chandler could you at leastsend some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.
CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh.[Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]
RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for thewonderful dinner.
ROSS: Thanks for being born.
RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for mybeautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange themif you want, ok.
RACHEL: Now I love you even more.
[they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights]
ALL: Surprise.
RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Ohmy god. Mom. This is so great.
MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.
RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.
ROSS: Really?
RACHEL: No, I knew.
ROSS: All right.
MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's foodand drinks on the table. Go across the hall.
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Right now, Joey andChandler's, go now.
RACHEL: Why.
MONICA: Just go.
[they walk across the hall]
ALL: Surprise.
MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea.
RACHEL: Daddy.
[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talkingto Chandler and Ross.]
RACHEL: Both of them are here, bothof them, both of them are here?
CHANDLER: Well, we could countagain.
RACHEL: I can't believe this ishappening.
ROSS: You know what, this isridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.
RACHEL: I do.
ROSS: That's who.
CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok?
RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don'treally have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I gettwo birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
CHANDLER: Well, actually just onebirthday flan.
RACHEL: What?
CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexicancustard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.
[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]
CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girljust walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge downmy throat. I love this party.
JOEY: Quick volleyball question.
CHANDLER: Volleyball.
JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court inyour room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuckher tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.
CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back]
RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keepdad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.
ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas forany openers?
RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clearof 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.
[Back in Monica's party]
MONICA: Ok people, I want you totake a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassingmemory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put thecaps back on them because they will dry out.
[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]
ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how'severything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?
MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.
ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the goodthing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
[Back in Monica's party]
MONICA: Listen you guys, I don'tmean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are justplacing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [shedemonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going?
GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinkingabout maybe...
MONICA: No. No you can't go. No thisis fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.
PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, justgo.
GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.
PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out.
GUNTHER: What?
PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonnacreate a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]
MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink.
ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it forya. Whad'ya want?
MR. GREENE: Scotch.
ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be backin 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
MR. GREENE: Neat.
ROSS: Cool.
MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
ROSS: I know.
[Back at Monica's party]
MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been?
ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in thebathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat,scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene iswalking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakinoff to mister?
MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
ROSS: No. no.
MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no?
ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, thatis, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusionof the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will getyour cigarettes for you sir.
MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too.
ROSS: All righty roo. [closes thedoor] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get thecigarettes and glasses]
MONICA: Ok, the first person's mostembarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.
PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, didsomebody forget to use a coaster?
MONICA: What? [she runs over towhere Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything.
PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing waterrings again.
MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those?
ROSS: Mine.
MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?
ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I havea condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?
RACHEL: Well those are very popularframes.
ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.
GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can getpeople out of here.
MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.
RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.
ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs thecigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one inhis mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna goou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, hecomes face to face with Mr. Greene]
MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses?
ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and handsthem to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off hisupper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moisteningthe tip.
[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at theparty.]
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking thetrash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back anyminute.
GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?
PHOEBE: No, only the three of you,any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get mycoat.
PHOEBE: There isn't time. You mustleave everything. They'll take care of you next door.
GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?
PHOEBE: Everything you've heard istrue.
[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]
MONICA: Could you guys please try tokeep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]
MONICA: You, and you, you'resupposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?
GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dancefloor]
PHOEBE: [enters with the threepeople she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.
MONICA: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but thesepeople needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve tohave a little fun. Go.
MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. Imean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, ifpeople would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head frombehind]
[Back at Monica's party]
RACHEL: You want me to see atherapist?
MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen aboyfriend exactly like your father.
RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine,I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gottago do a thing.
[Chandler and Joey's party]
MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. Ifelt like Gulliver around that place.
RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what,I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just haveto do a, some stuff.
[Monica's party]
MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he caresabout is his stupid boat.
[Chandler and Joey's party]
MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat...
MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...
MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...
MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...
MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...
[Scene: The hallway after the party.Rachel is sitting there.]
CHANDLER: [running out of hisapartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll beskins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh,sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lotof champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? Imean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there.Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister'sgonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
CHANDLER: Well, I relied on acarefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. Imean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all Ikept thinking about was the fourth of July.
CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you ofthe way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
RACHEL: It's just this thing. Everyyear we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hatedit because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would bethrowing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helpingand then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But thenwhen the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd getreally cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. Itnever occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...
CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Rosswalks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]
[Scene: Monica's party. She isseeing off the last of the guests.]
MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, Ihope you guys had fun.
MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
MONICA: Ok will do. So glad youcame.
MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.
MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Yourmom want's to say goodbye.
RACHEL: Oh ok.
MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.
RACHEL: Ok.
[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him andruns to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]
JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe.
MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing.
ROSS: I'm getting ready for the waterskiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing?
CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene,where are you going?
MR. GREENE: To get my coat.
GUYS: No no no.
MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.
[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across thehall as he walks across]
CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a majorflan high.
PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposedto be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you shouldleave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhapsyou'd like a creme d'menthe.
MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.
PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guesswe're going back into the hallway.
JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene.[grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr.Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.
MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is thebest party I've been to in years.
MONICA: Thank you.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.]
MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time forflan.
CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for thegelatenous fun.
JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuffyou get when you get a bad infection.
MONICA: Ok, that's enough.
PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a specialflan wish.
RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows outthe candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in theflan] Wow, those things almost never come true. END |
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