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221 The One Withthe Two Bullies [Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a businesschannel.]
JOEY: Hey Monica, why are wewatchin' the business channel?
MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it theother day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and,well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up againbut when it does, it's pretty exciting.
RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need ajob.
ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dadsays he knows someone you can call for an interview.
MONICA: Really.
PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That,that's the third sign today. Right there.
ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'djust like to say behuh.
PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dadand everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father.Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father'slast name.
EVERYONE: Ahh.
PHOEBE: And they were serving frankswhich is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie withspinning chicken.
MONICA: His indian name?
PHOEBE: No because I chickened outthe last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't thinkso.
ROSS: Freakish.
MONICA: Wow.
JOEY: Freaky.
MONICA: Weird, weird.
RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants thelast hamburger?
PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, nowI have to go see him.
MONICA: Why?
PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. OldMacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]
CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.
ROSS: Oh yeah.
CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forgetabout raquetball and hang out here?
ROSS: Yeah alright.
[they sit at the couch]
BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.
ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.
LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we were sitting there.
CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more wayto say it, who knows it?
LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?
CHANDLER: No actually, I was justgoing for colorful.
BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?
LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?
ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him.Enjoy your coffee.
[as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and putsit on himself]
CHANDLER: What just happened?
LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke isthat I, I took your hat.
CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can Ihave it back?
LITTLE BULLY: No.
CHANDLER: No?
BIG BULLY: No.
ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I thinkyou're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give himback the hat.
BIG BULLY: Why should we?
ROSS: Because it's a special hat.[Chandler looks at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling reallydown one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...
CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talkingnow. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?
CHANDLER: No, just wanna make surewe're on the same page.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there andMonica walks in.]
RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?
MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's themerestraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was achef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to makesomething called Laverne and Curly Fries?
RACHEL: So don't do it.
MONICA: How can I not do it? I have$127 in the bank.
JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
MONICA: I don't want a beer.
JOEY: Who said it was for you?
ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enterlooking down] Hhhiiii.
RACHEL: What's the matter with you?
CHANDLER: The mean guys at thecoffee house took my hat.
RACHEL: Noo.
JOEY: You're kiddin'.
ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know,these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, thiskinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
RACHEL: Oohhh.
ROSS: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Racheland they hug]
CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hugsomeone] Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down thereand get your hat back.
CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it'sprobably stripped and sold for parts by now.
MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myselfyesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'mgonna do it.
JOEY: Do what?
MONICA: Put all my money in me.
RACHEL: Monica, what are you talkingabout? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.
MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell,high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number ofthe stock...selling store.
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel andJoey in the back.]
[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into thepillows in their laps.]
JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya thesepillows would be a good idea?
PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For thefirst time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.
RACHEL: We love you, we're here foryou.
JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.
PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of thecab]
JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you wantsome sandwich?
RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?
JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, nomayo.
RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, thatwould make it gross.
PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attackingher leg] Hey, hey, no, oh oh.
RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.
PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh,I do so wanna love all animals, please no.
JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone.You gotta bone?
RACHEL: Are you kidding me?
PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God,alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog offand jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, wehave a problem.
JOEY: Well why don't you just reachout and take his trampoline.
RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we cando. [grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the window]
JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.
RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh.Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the sandwich]Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself buthe will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?
JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it,I will.
PHOEBE: Are you crazy?
JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a littledog. [turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
ROSS: What?
CHANDLER: Do you have to be aCentury 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
ROSS: Do you say this stuff togirls?
BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.
ROSS: You're joking, right? You guysjust walked through the door.
BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.
BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.
CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell youwhat, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll seewho it comes to.
BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.
ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've hadenough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys werehere first.
BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.
LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.
GUNTHER: There you go.
ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn'twant to have to go and do that.
LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?
BIG BULLY: You told on us?
ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give memuch of a choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]
CHANDLER: Don't play with histhings.
ROSS: I know.
BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.
ROSS: Let's, let's take thisoutside? Who talks like that?
BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.
CHANDLER: You had to ask.
ROSS: Yeah.
[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting inand tip back]
ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing iswe're, we're not gonna fight you guys.
LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as neverever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
CHANDLER: I think you played theGunther card too soon.
[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house.]
JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you'regood to go.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.
RACHEL: What's the matter?
PHOEBE: I just think that this was areally bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know.It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for mygrandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever,despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since welike shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I wantthings to be like just right.
RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completelyunderstand.
JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey,you wanna go home?
PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again
[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.]
PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?
JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing thethreshold's clear now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel hasjust gotten up, and Monica is on the phone.]
MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJand I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.
RACHEL: Time is money my friend?
JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes moneyto make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wallstreet butt.'
MONICA: Hey, I made $17 beforebreakfast, what have you done?
JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast hereso technically I saved $3.50.
RACHEL: How did you make $17.
MONICA: Well, my financiallychallenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
JOEY: How come those?
MONICA: Well, CHP because I used tohave a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?
MONICA: MEG was good for me but Idumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
JOEY: That is so not my motto.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how'sthe dog?
PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet,people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be okand I can pick him up tomorrow.
JOEY: Good.
RACHEL: Oh, thank God.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have tohave a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog'sear grow back so...still hoping.
RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are yougonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?
PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet myfather over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughteryou abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'lldo it.
PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't sayanything about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica]
MONICA: DON'T...be too long withthe phone.
RACHEL: She'll be a much betterfriend when the market closes.
JOEY: [dials the phone] It's awoman.
PHOEBE: So talk to her.
JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, helloMiss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returnedto you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]
RACHEL: Why the voice.
JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandlerserves up two mugs of hot water.]
CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.
ROSS: Thank you.
[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this ismuch better than the coffee house.
ROSS: Absolutely.
[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs]
ROSS: How come it's not mixing withthe water?
CHANDLER:Well the package says youhave to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, neverlet it settle.
[they both try to drink while continuously stirring]
JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey,this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice'schristening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have anice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.
CHANDLER: Ok.
ROSS: No.
CHANDLER: No?
ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have tohave Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and Idon't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say youand I go back down there and stand up to those guys.
CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a secondthere Custer.
JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have youever been beaten up before?
ROSS: Yeah, sure.
JOEY: By someone besides Monica?
ROSS: No. So what. So what if we getbeaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in hislife. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.
CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we justlose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growingback.
[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning.]
MONICA: [Opens the door] I need toborrow a hundred bucks.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pullsRachel inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
RACHEL: For what?
MONICA: I've gotta get back in thegame.
RACHEL: Why, when did you get out ofthe game?
MONICA: I don't know, I lost it allok. I lost it.
RACHEL: Oh no.
MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms withit, you have to too.
RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'mreally sorry.
MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where arewe on the hundred bucks?
RACHEL: I, I don't have it.
MONICA: But I need it. OtherwordsI'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing andthe costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.
RACHEL: Nobody does honey.
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged upand has a plastic cone around it's neck.]
PHOEBE: Hi.
MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?
PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, andthe woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's avegetarian.
MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?
PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up toolong 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.
MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.
MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?
PHOEBE: Just from a, from a longtime ago. Is he here?
MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.
FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the corner]
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Franksenior.
MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.
PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?
MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minutenow.
PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go.I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.
[she turns to leave, Frank follows]
FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?
PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Justgenetically. He's kinda my dad too.
FRANK: Heavy.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he evertalk about me, Phoebe?
FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
PHOEBE: Oh.
FRANK: Except stilts.
PHOEBE: Stilts?
FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealingcigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over andthere's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile onhis face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on hisstilts.
PHOEBE: Wow.
FRANK: Yeah.
PHOEBE: I don't know what to do withthat.
FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you knowwhat's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah,I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.
PHOEBE: That'll work too.
FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, wecould talk or somethin'.
PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.
FRANK: Alright.
PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.
FRANK: Ok, yeah.
PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?
FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show youwhere he hit his head on the rain gutter.
PHOEBE: Ok.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]
ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. Weare standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
CHANDLER: Would you come on! Comeon! [waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.
[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks]
CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.
ROSS: I think we proved our point.
CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?
ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.
[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.]
CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.
ROSS: Yes, and that's why we'rehere.
CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing outground...apparently.
LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.
ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya gotthere, a weapon?
LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.
CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.
LITTLE BULLY: Alright.
[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]
CHANDLER: Question. If I don't careabout my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
ROSS: Whad'ya mean?
CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it'smetal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.
BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.
CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in hispocket]
BIG BULLY: Or your keys.
CHANDLER: Ok.
LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in thehat over there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches in the hat andput it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.
[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]
ROSS: Before I forget, are wehitting faces?
BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?
ROSS: Well because I have to work onMonday, I have a big presentation.
LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow anduh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.
BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone gets ready for the fight] Orthe waist down. Dana's ovulating.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?
BIG BULLY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just getthis straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
BIG BULLY: C'MON!
ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want someof this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.
CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys aretakin our stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]
ROSS: Hey.
BIG BULLY: Hey.
[they all run off after the guy]
[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hatback.]
ROSS: God, that was, that wasamazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr.Clean back there. He was a big guy.
ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't knowhaving missed everything.
BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped overthat little girls jump-rope.
ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh,are we ok here?
LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.
ROSS: Alright.
CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hatback?
LITTLE BULLY: No.
CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over andgrabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at atable.]
RACHEL: Look at her.
CHANDLER: Hi Monica.
JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?
PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.
CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.
[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA starts playing andMonica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singingalong and dancing. After a couple of couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful ofcoins and drops them on the table.]
JOEY: Excellent. END |
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