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217 The One WhereEddie Moves In [Scene: Joey's new apartment.Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tackystuff.]
JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa deJoey. Huh? I decorated it myself.
ROSS: Get out.
ALL: No.
MONICA: [looking at some kind ofglass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
JOEY: Art.
MONICA: Art it is.
ROSS: [looking at a glass table witha panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it apanther? There's no need to decide.
RACHEL: [holding a pillow made outof 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppetskin?
PHOEBE: [looking at a watersculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent,excellent water-table thing.
JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this butya know what, it makes me wanna pee.
PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. Ithink that's the challenge.
JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandlerdidn't come?
ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had athing with, wi-, with the thing.
JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.
PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us therest of your casa?
JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the bestpart, c'mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyonestares, uncomprehending] Heh?
RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.
JOEY: No no no, behind it.
ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone inhere?
JOEY: That's right, I have a phone inhere.
MONICA: Joey, promise me something.
JOEY: Yeah.
MONICA: Never call me from thatphone.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel iswalking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]
[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy's hood that's seatedat the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]
RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'msorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
[Phoebe enters]
PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh myGod, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.
CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, Iclaimed you in the name of France four years ago.
PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise youwon't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
ALL: OK.
PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producerof this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeatsound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.
ALL: [congradulating her andcelebrating]
PHOEBE: I told you not to do thatyet. And, she wants to do a video.
ALL: [celebrating more]
PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God.OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.
[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]
PHOEBE: I'm done now.
ALL: [celebrating]
[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]
RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if youcare about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.
ROSS: Get the what?
RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in thehood. Go.
[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]
GUY: What're you doing?
ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was inyour hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'llbe back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guyleaves promptly]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroomyelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]
MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your buttout of the bathroom.
ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.
[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]
MONICA: Blow drying what, you haveno hair.
RACHEL: What's goin' on?
MONICA: Your boyfriend has been inthere for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with himagain. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when Iwant to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen,you're both adults now.
MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!
RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber andyou're glue.
ROSS: [comes out] All yours.
MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hairout of the drain.
ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hopeyou cleaned your hair out of the drain.
MONICA: Shut up.
ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.
MONICA: Cut it out.
ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.
[Monica goes in the bathroom]
RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've neverwanted you more.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing hugedog-slippers]
CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys,should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well,ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
[Joey's apartment, phone rings]
JOEY: Hello.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey!
CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry Ididn't make it over there today.
JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you hada thing.
CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear theplace looks great.
JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'mhavin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'
CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it'sterriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.
JOEY: Oh, well great.
CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted tocall and say hey.
JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goesoff behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
CHANDLER: That's right my friend.It's time for...
BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]
JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gaveStephanie skin cancer?
CHANDLER: I still can't believe theypromoted her to lieutenant.
JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.
CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone notbe in love with Yasmine Blepe?
JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'
CHANDLER: See, this is thebrilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running.Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]
MONICA: But I thought you wanted tolive by yourself.
JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great.I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns outI don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk toChandler about moving back?
JOEY: You really think he'd take me?I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt himbad.
MONICA: I promise you, he woulddefinitely want you back.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]
ROSS: I'm telling you, there's noway he's moving back.
CHANDLER: But we had one of thegreatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we firststarted living together.
ROSS: Look, I know you don't want tohear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he'shappy, he's, he's decorated.
RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has movedon, OK, you have to too.
CHANDLER: But...
ROSS: No. You're just gonna have toaccept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmatesanymore.
[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]
PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat,smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers startsinging smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. Imean like, who was that?
PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.
PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they werejust watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.
PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat,smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly,smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'mjust, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acuallyis. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feelthat you really care about the cat.
PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costingabout a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the catstinks but you love it, let's go.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross is on the phone.]
ROSS: No, there is no way he was avelociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was avelociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comesout of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?
MONICA: I was.
ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can youhang on? That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she's herebut uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] CallJoanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.
MONICA: Did she leave a number?
ROSS: Did you see me write one down?
MONICA: I don't have her number,butt-munch.
ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don'tbe such a baby.
MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're thebaby.
ROSS: Look, you wanna get off myback?
MONICA: You wanna get out of myface?
ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on.[answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [getsfirst line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister'sboyfriend.
MONICA: Give me that.
ROSS: OK.
MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before Iforget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwingoranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing aball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catchesit.]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?
JOEY: You know it's funny you shouldmention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?
CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh,have some news.
EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat orshould I just toss it out?
CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't youask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.
EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.
JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that.[grabs moose hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?
EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped himpick out a chorizo.
JOEY: Wow.
CHANDLER: Well you know, we got totalking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?
CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it'snot being used and I... have it to spare.
JOEY: Well I uh, got what I camefor. [puts on moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.
CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you startusin' mousse in your hair?
EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?
JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
MONICA: I can't believe he has a newroommate. Who is this guy?
ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He justmet him.
RACHEL: It'll never last, he's justa rebound roommate.
[Pheobe enters]
PHOEBE: Hey.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh checkit out. It's Smelly Cat the video.
ALL: [cheer]
PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen ityet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video.[puts the tape in] OK.
[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice forPhoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]
PHOEBE: Oh my God.
ROSS: I know.
PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I'venever heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is socool, now I can hear what you hear.
RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?
PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I amincredibly talented.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is readingthe paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]
EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?
JOEY: Eddie.
CHANDLER: Morning.
JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by topick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not there]Where's the mail?
CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there onthe table.
JOEY: You don't keep it over here onthis table any more?
CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep itover there.
EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?
CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.
JOEY: Huh.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: No I just uh, thought youliked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.
CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddiemakes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.
EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.
CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]
JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?
CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.
JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya.[picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He justcomes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his,his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the peoplewho need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
CHANDLER: There's another cartonright over there.
JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juiceanymore, alright man.
CHANDLER: Alright, so what's itabout?
JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you likebetter, his or mine, huh?
CHANDLER: Well I like both eggsequally.
JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes twodifferent kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wannaknow which.
CHANDLER: Well what's thedifference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and youleft. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over theremote.]
MONICA: I wanna watch EntertainmentTonight.
ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watchingPredators of the Serengetti.
RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
MONICA: It's my TV.
ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.
MONICA: Bite me.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin'the channel.
MONICA: Oh that's great, why don'tyou tell mommy on me.
RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this littleplay? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Gellerdimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bathbecause you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]
MONICA: OK, what're we gonna doabout this?
ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape EntertainmentTonight.
MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh myGod, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.
ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright,Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.
MONICA: I just can't stand you beinghere all the time.
ROSS: Why, why, why can't you standme being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.
MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this isfun?
ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though,you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we werekids.
MONICA: Ross, I hated you when wewere kids.
ROSS: You hated me when we werekids?
MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I,I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically,yeah, I hated your guts.
ROSS: Why did you hate me?
MONICA: Because, you were mean to meand you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.
ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?
MONICA: Duh-huh!
ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.
MONICA: Now I love you. And not just'cause I have to.
ROSS: Really?
MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna haveto stop pissing me off.
ROSS: I can do that.
MONICA: Then I won't have to killyou.
ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, EntertainmentTonight?
MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?
ROSS: What?
MONICA: If you really want to watchthat Serengetti thing, you can.
ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes thechannel]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]
[Phoebe enters]
PHOEBE: Hey.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going tobelieve this but, that is not me singing on the video.
ALL: No.
PHOEBE: Yes.
RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?
PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record companysent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someoneelse to sing for me. That was my first clue.
MONICA: So what're you gonna do?
PHOEBE: Well, I can't work withpeople who would do this.
MONICA: Sure.
PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.
ROSS: What woman?
PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, Imean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.
RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what aboutyou?
PHOEBE: Well I have a video, youhave to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but,according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the rightlook or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imalsat the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or youknow. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh myGod, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wannaplay some foosball?
EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.
CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe]Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.
EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?
CHANDLER: You don't like that show?
EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' aroundon the beach, ya know.
CHANDLER: Well that's the brillianceof it. The pretty people... and the running.
EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.
CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.
[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something toChandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler butdecides not to.]
[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]
[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a windowwhile it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camerazooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]
PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat,smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.
ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat,it's not your fault.
PHOEBE: Monica.
MONICA: [sings] They won't takeyou to the vet.
PHOEBE: Chandler.
CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You'reobviously not their favorite pet.
MONICA: Joey.
JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bedof roses.
PHOEBE: Rachel.
RACHEL: [sings] And you're nofriend to those with noses.
PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the onlylines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more. END |
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