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215 The One WhereRachel and Ross... You Know [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter withChandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]
JOEY: Alright, no peeking. Nopeeking, no peeking, no peeking.
CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but youbetter be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [openshis eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]
CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all thatis good and pure.
JOEY: Huh? Days of our Livespicked up my option.
CHANDLER: Congratulations!
JOEY: I know.
CHANDLER: Now we can finally watch GreenAcres the way it was meant to be seen.
JOEY: Uh-huh.
CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?
JOEY: Whichever one you want, man.Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not thatone.
CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.
JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that'sthe stuff.
CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrestlever] Do we dare?
JOEY: We dare.
BOTH: [both extend the footrests]Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV.Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
PHOEBE: I can't believe two cowsmade the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
CHANDLER: Well they werechair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.
ROSS: This screen is amazing, I meanDick Van Dyke is practically life-size.
ALL: Woah!
MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs ona smaller screen, doesn't she?
[Rachel enters]
RACHEL: Hi you guys.
ALL: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey you.
ROSS: Hey you. [they stand togetherin front of the TV.]
CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo.[Rachel and Ross move]
RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?
ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much theusual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.
RACHEL: Really? Mine too.
PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.
ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah,yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss buteveryone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]
ROSS: Bye guys.
ALL: Bye.
MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in frontof the TV] Tonight?
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [theymove from out of in front of the TV]
MONICA: What's tonight?
RACHEL: It is our first officialdate. Our first date.
MONICA: Uh, hello.
RACHEL: Hi.
MONICA: Tonight you're supposed towaitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything foryou?
RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, Iforgot. This is our first date.
MONICA: Yes but my mom got me thisjob.
PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, Ican be a waitress.
RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, youknow, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be abear cub' thing.
PHOEBE: I can be a waitress.OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on araft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr.Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]
PHOEBE: It's James Bond.
MONICA: Sorry we're late.
DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? Iwas told she was.
MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you musthave lost like. . . You look great.
MONICA: Thank you. This is my friendPhoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.
DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake]So, how ya been?
MONICA: I've been great, just great.How have you been? [tilting her head]
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise youwouldn't have done the head tilt.
MONICA: The head tilt?
DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's alwayswith a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya doin'? You OK?'
MONICA: I'm sorry.
DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer withthe 'I'm OK' head bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' [bobshead] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a newCD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.
MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt theirheads] Oh, that's too bad.
DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering apizza.]
CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extracheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20,Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip foryou. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
JOEY: What if we have to pee?
CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment.Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]
MONICA: You've got to get back outthere, it's your party.
DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
MONICA: You're an opthamologist.
DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.
PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen fromthe party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, youstay out there.
DR. BURKE: See.
MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what.I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watchthis. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needsglasses? [everyone laughs]
PHOEBE: You are so smitten.
MONICA: I am not.
PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much thesmitten kitten. You should ask him out.
MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so.I mean, like, he's a grown up.
PHOEBE: So. You two are totally intoeach other.
MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of myparents. He's like 20 years older than me.
PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're justnever gonna see him again?
MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonnasee him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get youreyes checked?
MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know,uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]
RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it wasa bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.
ROSS: I told you there was going tobe sub-titles.
RACHEL: I know, I just didn't wantto wear my glasses on my first date.
[They start kissing.]
RACHEL: Monica.
ROSS: It would really help when I'mkissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking.
ROSS: Oh.
RACHEL: Monica.
ROSS: Mon.
RACHEL: Monica.
ROSS: Mon.
[Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way downuntil they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]
ROSS: What, what.
RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'msorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was likewoah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.
ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?
RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'msorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean,we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.
ROSS: I, I know it's big, I justdidn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.
RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again andRachel starts lauging again]
ROSS: OK, my hands were no wherenear your butt.
RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, Iknow. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry.I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonnalaugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
ROSS: No see now, now I can'tbecause uh, I'm feeling too self conscious. RACHEL: Just one cheek.
ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.
RACHEL: Alright, just put your handsout and I'll back up into them.
ROSS: That's romantic.
RACHEL: C'mon touch it.
ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.
ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Rub it.
ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you justgrab my ass.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]
JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car ison fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.
CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on yourface man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]
[Ross enters]
JOEY: Hi.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren'tyou supposed to be out with Rachel?
ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.
CHANDLER: So how'd it go?
ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever beenuh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
JOEY: She laughed at you?
ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've beenwanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to beperfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?
CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.
JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.
[Rachel enters]
RACHEL: Hi you guys.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
ROSS: Hey.
RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um,thinkin' about. . .
CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh,speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]
RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry aboutlast night and I really want to make it up to you.
ROSS: No, you, ya know there's noneed to make it u. . . how?
RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe aum, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going backto my place for um, dessert.
ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't,perfect.
[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe hasbeen thrown at it]
RACHEL: What's this.
CHANDLER: Could you get us a coupleof beers?
[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monicais there for her eye appointment.]
DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.
MONICA: Really.
DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open youreyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK.Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.
MONICA: Good, they feel good, in myhead.
DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.
MONICA: You too.
DR. BURKE: You too.
MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.
DR. BURKE: Drops!
MONICA: What?
DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.
MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I betterbe going.
DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
MONICA: Thanks again.
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a fullon kiss]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]
PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazyboys out of these chairs.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey,woah.
PHOEBE: You know you should gooutside and be with the three-dimensional people.
JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.
PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I,oh, OH, XANADU! OH.
CHANDLER: She's one of us now.
[Rachel and Ross enter]
RACHEL: Hi you guys.
ROSS: Hey.
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.
ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop byand uh, say goodnight.
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE:Goodnight.
ROSS: Look at that, they won't eventurn their heads.
RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin'off my shirt.
JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see]Naa, she's lyin'.
[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]
MONICA: Stop sending food to ourapartment.
ROSS: Well, why're you all dressedup?
PHOEBE: You're not the only one whohas a date tonight.
ROSS: What? You have a date? Whowith?
MONICA: No one.
ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?
MONICA: Nothing.
ROSS: Come on, tell me.
MONICA: Alright, but I'm veryexcited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery andjudgmental.
ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.
MONICA: It's Richard Burke.
ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc,Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should thatbother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.
MONICA: Well for your information hehappens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've everbeen with.
ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?
RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God,absolutely.
ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's themuseum again, can I, oh.
RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed meonce.
MONICA: When?
RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashedmy bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed meright here. [points to the tip of her nose]
PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.
RACHEL: I know.
ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah,woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n,homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.
CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History.Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]
ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this.Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got himhere wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave?I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it'slonger than I expected, we will have dinner.
RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine.
ROSS: KARL!
[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one ofthe display models.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her thepictures in his wallet.]
MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?
DR. BURKE: Yep.
MONICA: I've not seen her since highschool graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.
DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.
MONICA: I thought she just had one.
DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. Youknow, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Nowin all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .
MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.
DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?
MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I meanI'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.
DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell,I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
MONICA: Yeah.
DR. BURKE: So.
MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .
DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.
MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.
DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]
MONICA: Well, we don't really haveto decide anything right now, do we?
DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.
[knock at the door]
DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.
MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill thoseguys.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History.Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.]
ROSS: Rach.
RACHEL: Oh.
ROSS: I'm done.
RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, sois uh, Sorentino's.
ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh,why don't we find someplace else.
RACHEL: No, you know what, it'slate, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?
ROSS: No, no, we won't.
RACHEL: We won't?
ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.
RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?
[Scene: The museum planetarium. Rossand Rachel enter on stage.]
RACHEL: What is this? What are wedoing?
ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple orcran-grape?
RACHEL: Grape.
ROSS: [spreads the pelt on thefloor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]
RACHEL: Oh, God.
[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'. Ross gets up andchanges it to music.]
ROSS: Sorry.
RACHEL: Ah, so what are we lookingat?
ROSS: Well uh, you see that, thatlittle cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.
RACHEL: Really? ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I hadto work tonight.
RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worththe wait, and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]
ROSS: You're not laughing.
RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.
[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie shecatches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]
RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, ohthat's OK.
ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolledover the juice box.
RACHEL: Oh, thank God.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History.The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]
ROSS: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'mwaking up next to you.
ROSS: I know it is prettyunbelievaaaaah.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: We're not alone. [A churchyouth group is outside the display watching them]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey'sapartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]
[they're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]
JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?
CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Ohit's not warm yet, we still have time.
JOEY: Cool. END |
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