|
|
|
211 The One Withthe Lesbian Wedding [at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]
ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, andhis uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
CAROL: So how did everything go?
ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was aprojectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.
ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: [clears her throat]
CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got somenews. It's about us.
ROSS: Oh, you and me?
CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.
SUSAN: The other us.
ROSS: Ok.
CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.
ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce youwife and wife" married?
CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come,but we totally understand if you don't want to.
ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? Ihad fun at the first wedding.
CAROL: Look I just thought that...
ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, whyshouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel inyour joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!
SUSAN: Is your finger caught in thatchair?
ROSS: Mmm hmmm.
CAROL: Want us to go?
ROSS: Uh-huh.
[at Rachel and Monica's]
ROSS: This is so cool. You're actuallygonna be on television.
JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'mgonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, andhow these are the days of our lives..
MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's catererhad a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.
ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!
MONICA: They want me to do it, which isreally cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money,and this isn't a problem for you, is it?
ROSS: Would it matter?
MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisseshim] Thank you!
JOEY: Are you really not going?
ROSS: I am really not going. I don'tget it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?
MONICA: They love each other, and theywanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.
ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.
CHANDLER: [singing to the tune ofMister Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living room,the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.
MONICA: Ross, I thought you were overthis.
ROSS: Look, that has nothing to dowith this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'dexpect me to be there.
JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy,she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.
RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] DidI miss it? Did I miss it?
JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guyshoots himself.
CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.
JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too.She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?
MONICA: What?
JOEY: It's like, you got so many linesto learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look allintense, you know, like this.
CHANDLER: Oh, ok.
JOEY: There's my scene, there's myscene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, yoursister's neurosurgeon.
MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?
JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is muchworse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma.Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.
CHANDLER: Nice!
RACHEL: That's great!
ROSS: Excellent!
CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought youwere actually tryin' to smell something.
[Monica and Rachel's]
ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!
JOEY: All right, all right."Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"
CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gottaget to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
ROSS: No no, that's me.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: Oh, hello.
PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
ROSS: Is everything ok?
PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of myclients died on the massage table today.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxedthan you want them to get.
PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old.Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
MONICA: Oh, honey.
PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. Imean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have somebreakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage."Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, butthe weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and whenthe spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
RACHEL: What do you mean?
PHOEBE: I think it went into me.
[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]
[Central Perk]
MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can'tdecide between lamb or duck.
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs arescarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?
ROSS: Oh, I believe I had thehalf-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarettebutt in it, is that decaf?
RACHEL: Oh god.
JOEY: I can't believe you're souptight about your mom comin'.
RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's thefirst time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marryBarry, that my life is total crap, you know?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice]Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and RodSteiger for the hundredth time.
JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do youthink this lady'll be with us?
PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, sheobviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's voice]Sit up!
MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.
RACHEL: Mom!
MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where youwork? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who cantell? But I guess that's the fun.
RACHEL: Pretty much.
MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Lasttime I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, andthis is Chandler, and you remember Ross.
MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross.
ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up toshake her hand, but she ignores him.]
MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of mydaughter in the apron with the big job?
RACHEL: Oh Mom!
MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee,no one would have anything to drink.
CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes thathappens.
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. Youknow, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sororityhouse to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
RACHEL: Really?
MRS GREEN: Yes.
PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind meof. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now shelooks like Soupy Sales.
JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?
[at Rachel and Monica's
MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's anunattractive nude man playing the cello.
RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's notplaying a smaller instrument.
MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have somelife here, sweetie.
RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize youand Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in thesuburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much betterfor me, you know?
MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. AndI've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what Iwant.
RACHEL: For...me.
MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.
RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?
MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving yourfather.
MONICA: [entering] All right.Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna besick.
MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm puttinglittle nipples on them.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren'tgetting along?
RACHEL: None.
JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?
RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk toeach other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Inmy day, divorce was not an option.
JOEY: Hey, look who's up.
RACHEL: I just can't believe this ishappening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were gettingdivorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.
MONICA: Is there any chance that you canlook at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be morelike you.
RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn'tshe have just copied my haircut?
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when myparents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that allkids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kindatrue.
PHOEBE: That's him.
CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfatherhasn't come yet.
MR A: Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks formeeting me.
MR A: Oh, that's all right, althoughyou did cut into my busy day of sitting.
PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?
MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most ofmid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?
PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this,but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck aroundin me.
MR A: You're saying, my wife is inyou?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have tobelieve me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had,like any reason she'd be hanging around?
MR A: Well, I don't know what to tellyou dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say thatbefore she died, she wanted to see everything.
PHOEBE: Everything?
MR A: Everything.
PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she alsosaid she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing inmy head.
MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot,huh?
[Joey nods and shrugs.]
MRS GREEN: Look at this.
RACHEL: These are from Halloween threeyears ago.
MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did hehave to come straight from the office?
RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See,he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.
MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when Isaid before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?
RACHEL: Actually, what I think you saidwas, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, Iplanned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It justturns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?
MONICA: If you want.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day.I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue ofLiberty.
RACHEL: She's still with you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seeneverything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [TakesMrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh, such apretty face.
MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just thegirls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
RACHEL: God!
MONICA: All right, look, nobody'ssmoking pot around all this food.
MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. Ijust thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex?
MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been withis your father.
MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don'thear anything.
MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense toyour dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? Icannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, anddrop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Doyou want my blessing?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: You want me to talk you out ofit?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?
MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of allpeople you would understand this.
RACHEL: Why on earth would I understandthis?
MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. Idid.
RACHEL: Oh.
MONICA: All right people, we're introuble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you shouldhave German subtitles.
MONICA: Joey, speed it up!
JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs.they're reluctant to get in the blankets!
PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? Ithought you had this all planned out.
MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is thatwhat you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!
MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!
ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not apart of this thing.
MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realizethat you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if youdon't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'mgonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ballthe melon.
CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing,when he gets to ball the melon.
[knock at the door]
MONICA: Hi.
CAROL: How's it going?
MONICA: It's goin' great. Right onschedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]
CAROL: Fine, whatever.
ROSS: What's the matter?
CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I thinkwe're calling off the wedding.
ROSS: What?
MONICA: You're still gonna pay me,right? Or something a little less selfish.
ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? Whathappened?
CAROL: My parents called this afternoonto say they weren't coming.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CAROL: I mean, I knew they were havingtrouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to giveme away and everything.
ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.
CAROL: And then Susan and I got in thisbig fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said weweren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that,then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.
ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna saythis, but I think Susan's right.
CAROL: You do?
ROSS: Look, do you love her? And youdon't have to be too emphatic about this.
CAROL: Of course I do.
ROSS: Well then that's it. And ifGeorge and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if myparents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look,this is your wedding. Do it.
CAROL: You're right. Of course you'reright.
MONICA: So we're back on?
CAROL: We're back on.
MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop,devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
[at the wedding]
JOEY: It just seems so futile, youknow ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers,you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
CHANDLER: Well now you understand how Ifeel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a pieceof candy.]
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice]Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susanis escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]
CAROL: Thank you.
ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want tolet her go]
CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]
MINISTER: You know, nothing makes Godhappier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends,family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Ohmy god. Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone.She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol andSusan getting their picture taken.]
MONICA: Would you look at them?
ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.
JOEY: [to a wedding guest]How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] Iwrapped those bad boys.
PHOEBE: I miss Rose.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?
PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but Imean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kindof alone.
WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't helpbut overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget aboutRose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?
PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.
[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman iscoming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]
CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman]I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]
RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?
MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with awonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet.Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I haveoptions.
RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?
[Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]
SUSAN: How you doin'?
ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: You did a good thing today.
ROSS: Yeah.
SUSAN: You wanna dance?
ROSS: No, that's fine.
SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.
ROSS: Ok.
[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]
CHANDLER: [to the woman who justrejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [Shewalks away again.]
[at Monica and Rachel's]
MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you thinkis gonna be the first one to get married?
ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.
PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.
RACHEL: I had a wedding.
MONICA: All right, just trying to startan interesting discussion.
JOEY: I got one. Which one of us doyou think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
ALL: Oh, yeah!
END
|
|
收藏
分享
有用
无用