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210 The One WithRuss [The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night.Joey is anxiously in the lead.]
RACH: Joey, would you slow down?They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.
JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gottenreviewed before.
MNCA: You were so amazing as the king.I was really impressed, I was.
PHOE: Although, you know what? Youmight want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you satdown on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.
JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [readingfrom newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent directionwas Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.
CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy'sopinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours.
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thingworse than the mindless, adolescent direction...
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a differentpaper? Ross, read yours.
ROSS: I don't want to.
RACH: Joey, honey, they don't knowwhat they're talking about.
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin'this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just,uhhh... paying your dues.
JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard.It's not worth it. I quit.
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait oneminute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads frompaper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliantnew levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.
Credits
[Scene:Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel'sapartment.]
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted tobe a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows andstuff.
[Ross enters, depressed.]
ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.
PHOE: Are... are you OK?
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day atwork. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know thisjacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here,isn't he?
MNCA: Maybe.
ROSS: Don't toy with me.
[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's bedroom.]
FBOB: Geller!
ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!
FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've beenworking out, huh?
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy.Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
MNCA: You and me both.
FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd Imiss, c'mon?
PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to makeJoey feel better.
FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick youup?
JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really.
FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.
JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't needyou to pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joeylaughs.] Alright! It still works.
FBOB: OK, now before I go, doesanybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I'm stillgonna go.
MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe.
FBOB: Uh, public display of affectioncoming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]
[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns theirheads away from Monica.]
FBOB: See ya. [exits]
ALL: Bye! See you later!
PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.
MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, Ireally think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel sogood and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, noboyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.
PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.
MNCA: And for our two-weekanniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.
RACH: We went through a lot ofwine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]
MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.
JOEY: I just had a glass.
PHOE: Two.
RACH: I had one glass.
CHAN: I had about a mugful in thislovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
RACH: OK, so that's... that's what,two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?
[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]
ROSS: Oooooh.
JOEY: [realizing what everyone elsedid a minute ago] Ooooooh.
MNCA: So what. So he drank a lottonight.
ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that Ithink about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink inhis hand.
PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know,did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooowasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, andI'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
JOEY: Monica, have you ever been withhim when he wasn't drinking?
MNCA: Well, we just happen to go toalot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tastingwithout having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
[Scene:Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is servingthem. She brings a mug to Monica.]
MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfatmilk?
RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, whydon't you taste it.
MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.
RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, youalready had some.
FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya saywe make these, uh, coffees Irish?
[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]
PHOE: Um, cake.
RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonnaget some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]
MNCA: You know what? It seems likeyou've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian,but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
MNCA: Bobby.
FBOB: Yeah, OK.
MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of mybusiness, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried aboutyou.
FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the firsttime somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I alwaysmade excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon,it's Flag Day.'
MNCA: So, what are you saying now?
FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try andquit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]
PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake]Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?
FBOB: I am gonna try and quitdrinking.
PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
CHAN: Guess who's back in showbusiness.
PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why?Cause he's dead.
PHOE: Oh, no.
CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seemkinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.
JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called mewith an audition for Days of Our Lives!
PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate.You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleeptogether and then one of us could get amnesia.
PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you getoff? We're all gonna do something tonight.
RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'malready done, but I...I kinda got plans.
MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?
RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... Ihave a date.
MNCA: What?
JOEY: With a man?
RACH: What? What is so strange aboutme having a date?
JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are youstill mad at him cause he made that list about you?
RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him.I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.
MNCA: What are you talking about?
RACH: I don't know. Whatever I wasfeeling, I'm... not.
PHOE: But you guys came so close.
RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys.You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross,except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]
RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this isRuss.
RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.
[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]
[Scene: EstelleLeonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]
ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented,you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very littleact left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh,I'll talk to you later.
[Joey enters.]
ESTL: Well, there's my favoriteclient. So tell me darling, how was the audition?
JOEY: Well, I think it went prettywell. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen meecstatic?
JOEY: No.
ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almostsmiles.]
JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there'ssomething I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great,but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And Idefinitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sentthe Little General in.
ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonnaput in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out.[picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'boutJoey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause]Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey]Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
[Scene: CentralPerk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at thecouch.]
RACH: What's the matter?
MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.
RACH: What, isn't he sober?
MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Justturns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
RACH: Ohhh, OK.
[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie.[hands Fun Bobby his coffee]
FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear somethingfunny?
MNCA: Oh God, yes!
FBOB: There are no hardware storesopen past midnight in the Village.
PHOE: That is funny.
FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer theother night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently thereare no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you haveto be at your interview now?
FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]
CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dullBobby.
MNCA: Oh.... my... God.
PHOE: It's not that bad.
MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hearthe hammer story?
PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
RACH: Maybe it was just the kind ofstory where you have to be there.
MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... forthe rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who madehim quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He'sprobably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross....bahhhh!
RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two moretables to clean and then we'll go, OK?
RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and...uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.
RACH: Hi.
PHOE: OK, so, you know what you'redoing, right?
RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?
PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean,umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?
PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No,no, no, no, oh, oh.
[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Rossenters.]
PHOE: Oh, my, oh!
ROSS: What? What's wrong?
PHOE: I, OK....
MNCA: She's just upset because she,uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
ROSS: Alright.
CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, thisis gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
RUSS: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend ofRachel's?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, afriend of Rachel's?
RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a....you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
ROSS: A date.
RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're,oh you're the date.
CHAN: You know, this is actually good,because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh...paleontologist.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
RUSS: Periodontist.
MNCA: See? They're as different asnight and... later that night.
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get abeverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
RUSS: Ditto.
[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
RACH: Oh.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh,seeing other people.
RACH: Well, we're not seeing eachother, so....
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information,there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... wingedthings... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a...well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this isthe deal...
RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a niceevening.
RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?
RUSS: Yeah.
RACH: Bye.
MNCA: Bye.
PHOE: Bye.
[Russ and Rachel leave together.]
ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She'sdating.
CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see whoshe was dating?
ROSS: What do you mean?
MNCA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what shesees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don'tknow, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: ....................Yeah.
[Scene:Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling everycontainer in sight. Chandler enters.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing youdidn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I wantit.
CHAN: Oh my God!
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleepwith the casting lady.
CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Ohmy... God?
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting fora break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That'sactually on television.
CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep withher... I mean, how could I do that?
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-upbook that told me everything I need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someonefor a part.
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into thecookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]
JOEY: Sorry.
CHAN: It's alright. Is shegood-looking?
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally goodlooking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying herbreakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such abig deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job andyou get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you'vegot Christmas.
JOEY: I just... I just don't thinkthat I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it,alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talentor because of.. y'know, the Little General.
CHAN: Didn't you used to call it theLittle Major?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco,I had to promote it.
[Scene: Arestaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]
WAITER: Can I get you something from thebar?
MNCA: Yes, I would like something.[looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.
FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it'sOK with me, I've got to get used to it.
MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn'tfeel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.
FBOB: So the light went out in myrefrigerator...
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving]I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Scene: CentralPerk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing acrossword puzzle.]
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now,huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic elementnumber 101... ends in ium.
RUSS: Dysprosium.
ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium?Try mendelevium.
CHAN: And weenie number two has it.Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the DoodyBlues.
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]
PHOE: You don't see it? You actuallydon't see it?
RACH: What?
PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.
PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
RACH: Steve... sleeve!
PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.
RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are youtalking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not seewhat you're seeing.
[They look over at Russ and Ross.]
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information,it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. Youcould try... but you would not be successful.
CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some morecoffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
RUSS: I know what your problem is.
ROSS: Oh you do, do you?
RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.
ROSS: Of... of what?
RUSS: You're jealous because I'm areal doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums.That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Daytwo, here's your diploma.
RUSS: Hey, you listen.
ROSS: No, no, let me finish.
RUSS: No, let me finish.
ROSS: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them.]
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Hi.
RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turnsaway]
[Scene:Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonnago when he left?
CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew.Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
RACH: I don't know. Who would I haveto sleep with?
CHAN: Me.
RACH: Why would I have to sleep withyou?
CHAN: It's my game. You want the jobor not?
[Monica enters from her bedroom.]
CHAN: Hey.
MNCA: Morning.
ROSS: Where ya goin'?
MNCA: Bobby and I are going away forthe weekend, remember?
ROSS: Ooooohhhh.
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles ofliquor.]
PHOE: What's with all the bottles ofliquor?
ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobbydrinking again?
MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him,this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories aboutshoelaces much more amusing.
[Three slow knocks on the door.]
RACH: Oh God, even his knock isboring.
[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just asecond.
FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
MNCA: Sure.
[They both step out into the hall.]
FBOB: This is really hard for me tosay.
MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.
MNCA: What about me?
FBOB: I think you may have a drinkingproblem.
MNCA: What these? [holding up liquorbottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
FBOB: Look, I am just not strongenough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
MNCA: Oh... shoot.
FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can befriends.
MNCA: OK.
[They hug and kiss.]
MNCA: Take care.
FBOB: You too.
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]
RACH: What happened?
MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.
GANG: Awwwwwwww.
[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchangemoney.]
MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybodywant these?
CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I liketo hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
[Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey.
GANG: Hey!
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked inthere and she was all over me.
CHAN: So what'd you do?
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I toldher I didn't want to get the part that way.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then,after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered mean even bigger part.
PHOE: So... and?
JOEY: Soooooo... you are now lookingat Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!
GANG: Allright!
JOEY: Alright... I've got to goshower. [leaves]
[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]
Credits [Scene: CentralPerk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: Oh, hey.
PHOE: Hi.
RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Racheldumped me.
CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
RUSS: Oh, all she said was that Iremind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]
PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's BobSaget. She hates him.
RUSS: Oh.
[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]
JULIE: Hey.
CHAN: Hey!
PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are youdoing?
JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean,it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. ActuallyI've got some of his stuff that he, um....
[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in theireyes. The music builds...]
END
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