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209 The One WithPhoebe's Dad [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, andPhoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size ofhis Christmas Balls.
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey.
JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tipthe super this year?
CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna givefifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
MONICA: Oh, actually this year wejust made him homemade cookies.
CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.
JOEY: You gave him cookies?
MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookiessays someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.
PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate ofbrownies once told me a limerick.
CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask yousomething, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
PHOEBE: Not especially. But you knowwhat, I think they had pot in them.
ROSS: So you guys, who else did youtip with cookies?
RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.
[There's a bang at the door.]
MONICA: Oh, and the newspaperdelivery guy.
[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.
JOEY: Oh my God.
RACHEL: What?
JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you'regonna like this.
[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]
RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these arecookies smashed in the sports section.
MONICA: Oh look, and he did mycrossword puzzle.
ROSS: Yeah, but not very well,unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica,Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind thecounter.]
JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmasalready. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know,your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
CHANDLER: Which is why geese are sorelaxed this time of year.
[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]
ROSS: Hey guys.
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you alittle present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky!Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knowsit's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of thewhole. . .
RACHEL: Horrible and degrading listof reasons not to be with me?
ROSS: How 'bout from now on we justcall it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you gotstairs in your place?
GUNTHER: Yeah.
ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him theSlinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
ROSS: Hey guys.
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: What's in the bag?
ROSS: Um, just some presents.
JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought.. . You know you want to.
ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is apicture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
MONICA: Cute.
ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and herstowels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hangingoff of it.]
MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!
ROSS: Yeah?
MONICA: Look at these authentic fakemedals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believemilitary academy.
[Phoebe enters.]
PHOEBE: Hey.
GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve.[sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?
ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, homefurnishings.
PHOEBE: This is my father, this is apicture of my dad.
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's theguy that comes in the frame.
PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad,alright, I'll show you.
RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dadwas in prison.
PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. Myreal dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
RACHEL: How have you never been onOprah?
PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK,look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, sameguy.
MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a pictureof the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen...it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to mygrandmother. [turns to leave]
MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.
GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]
MONICA: Wow.
JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to getmy boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .
GANG: Joey!
JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has aproblem, everyone's all ears!
[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother'splace. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries,and crossing out names in the phonebook.]
GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston.[scratches out name] Gone.
[Phoebe enters.]
GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.
PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating thephonebook.
PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see thepictures of my dad again?
GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh,sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?
PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see...um.
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets abox with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh,helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . anothergraduation. . . another graduation.
PHOEBE: OK, is this really myfather?
GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--Ican't... well of course it is.
PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybethat's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .
PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the yearsthat we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is notyour father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
PHOEBE: Oh God.
GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother'sidea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt herso much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well thenshe died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.
PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's nota famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burmawhere there's no phones?
GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was apharmacist somewhere upstate.
PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Whywould the villagers worship a pharmacist?
GRANDMOTHER: Honey.
PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.
GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all Iknow. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is thereal him.
PHOEBE: Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember myfather, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patentleather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him buthe'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
RACHEL: Well, that doesn't soundlike a very merry Christmas.
CHANDLER: Who said anything aboutChristmas?
[Monica and Ross enter.]
MONICA: Hi.
ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebeyet?
RACHEL: No, nothin'.
MONICA: I hope she's OK.
JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly whatshe's goin' through.
MONICA: How do you know exactly whatshe's going through?
JOEY: She told us.
CHANDLER: So whaddya got thereMonica?
MONICA: Just some stuff for theparty.
ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin'here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
MONICA: You guys haven't gotten yourpresents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?
CHANDLER: Don't you have to beClaymation to say stuff like that?
RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don'tthink the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent.[hands her a smashed box]
MONICA: Well, maybe the mailmanliked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn fasterthat you.
[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.] ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feelbetter. How 'bout you make a list about me.
RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, Iam not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .
ROSS: C'mon Rachel.
RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are,you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don'tever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, ayear, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of thatgel in your hair.
ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright,ya, you did what I said.
RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what?You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross putshis hand to his hair]
[Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is onthe phone]
PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can Ihave the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um,Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youselfinformation. [hangs up]
[Phoebe's grandmother enters]
GRANDMOTHER: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is infact your real name.
GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don'tstill be mad at me. How's it going?
PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate'spretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you'rebetter off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he'sstill the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted toknow who he was, ya know.
GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn'tcompletely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactlywhere he lived.
PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?
GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 LaurelDrive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You cantake my cab.
PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.
GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobodyelse drives that cab.
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'mgonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture ofEinstein] Commercial [Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebein the cab. Joey walks up.]
JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?
CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought theinvisible cab. . . hop in.
JOEY: Well she better get here soon,the outlet stores close at 7.
CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figureit'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'llswap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.
[Phoebe drives up in the cab]
JOEY: Hey, here she comes.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]
PHOEBE: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In,like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
CHANDLER: Eeeshk.
JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.
PHOEBE: OK, let's go.
CHANDLER: OK.
PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have tohold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]
CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brakeleft, gas right?
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's mycheat sheet.
CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt]Where's my seat belt?
PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn'thave one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]
CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the backseat] Hey!
JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joeyand Chandler are thrown back in the seat]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]
ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please,please.
MONICA: For the sixteenth time,no... I do not think you're obsessive.
[Rachel enters from her room]
RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.
MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachelholds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heatdown please?
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's adifference between being obsessive and. . .
MONICA: Ross, the heat!
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat,and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob]OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
RACHEL: Did you just break theradiator?
ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knoband, and. . . here it is.
MONICA: Well put it back.
ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.
RACHEL: I'll call the super.
MONICA: Here, let me try.
ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgotabout your ability to fuse metal.
MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin,Not Funny.
RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger.Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knobon the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bakecookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no,Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
ROSS: OK, tip the man.
MONICA: No, if he doesn't like ourcookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse,it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.
ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come onin, live like bacon.
[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad'shouse. The cab pulls up.]
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74.[screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall inthe cab]
CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this isfor.
PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonnameet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
CHANDLER: Yeah.
JOEY: Sure is.
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.
CHANDLER: Alright.
JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here Igo. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped downbecause of the heat.]
RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcometo our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pantsand shirts in the bedroom.
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to agirl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gelbottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray]Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.
ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest areturning into jerky, OK.
MONICA: Really? I'm perfectlycomfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get inline buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]
RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr.Treeger.
MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there wasa party.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcometo our sauna.
MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My bodyalways stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.] ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel givehim your earrings. Something, now, anything.
MONICA: No, I will not cave.
RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.
ROSS: Alright, alright, you know howyou say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'mseizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merryChristmas.
[Gives him the cash.] MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.
ROSS: No no, no, that, that's yourChristmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fixthat radiator now?
MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I toldthe girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.
MONICA: Ross.
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he'splayin' baseball.
ROSS: You mean hardball?
MONICA: Whatever.
RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?
ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr.Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with theknob getting?
MR. TREEGER: No, the place is notopen 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.
MONICA: So, wait, you really didlike my cookies?
MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were sopersonal, really showed you cared.
RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.
MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who isstanding under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?
RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh,that, that is basil.
MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it wasmistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.
RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it'sstill basil.
[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad'shouse. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]
PHOEBE: OK.
JOEY: How far'd ya get?
PHOEBE: Mailbox.
CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin'closer.
PHOEBE: Uh-huh.
JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?
PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know,it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad wasthis, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, apharmacist guy and. . .
JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he'sthis really cool pharmacist guy.
PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know,and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Yaknow and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, whatif, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's juststill the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've alreadylost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took abig step today.
PHOEBE: Yeah?
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday whenyou're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'llbe lucky to have you.
PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry aboutyour shopping.
CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'llfigure something out.
JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I knowyou're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and usedhis bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blankcanvas.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party.Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]
CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap isit hot in here!
JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if Iturn the heat down?
MONICA: Hey, we could have used thatkind of thinkin' earlier.
ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.
MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.
ROSS: Are you OK?
PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.
CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's aftermidnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachelhug, Chandler is left standing]
JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob wasbroken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
CLOSING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of acardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
JOEY: Rach, these are for you.
RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't evenhave a car.
JOEY: No, but with this new carsmell, you'll think you do.
CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.
PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Isthat what you were doing while I was getting gas?
JOEY: Uh-huh.
PHOEBE: You guuuyys.
JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
ROSS: You got me a cola drink?
CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.
ROSS: Well this, this is too much, Ifeel like I should get you another sweater.
CHANDLER: And last but not least.
[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.] JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.
[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.] END |
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