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205 The One WithFive Steaks and an Eggplant [Scene: AtChandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie.
CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgetswrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (phone rings)
ROSS: You ever figure out what thatthing's for?
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this newscreening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone,people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the beep, you knowwhat to do.
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. Thisis Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinkingabout us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, Iwas kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make thiscall, so you know what I did?
CHANDLER: What?
JADE: I got a little drunk...andnaked.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been upto?
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual,teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering,those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I haveanother call. (to Ross) I love her.
ROSS: I know.
CHANDLER: I'm back.
JADE: So, are we gonna get together orwhat?
CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bouttomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
JADE: Great, I'll see you then.
CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone hasfinally paid off.
ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bobimpression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonnarealize, "hey, you're not Bob."
CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn'tshow up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the nexttable.
ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone.I've done this.
(At Monica and Rachel's)
ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody'shere. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
ALL: Hi, Julie!
RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone,everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance thatyou're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift,the concert, and the cake.
JOEY: Do we need a cake?
CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a littlesteep.
RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh!
CHANDLER: But it's Ross.
PHOEBE: It's Ross.
JOEY: All right.
CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gottago...do a thing.
ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call youlater tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna gothrough with this, are you?
CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just.
RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doingfor dinner tonight?
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta startsavin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dustbunnies.
PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this isgonna cost?
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feelingthat um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as muchmoney as they do?
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they'realways saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford togo here and there.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and wealways have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's notlike we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's forRoss.
JOEY: For Ross.
RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross.
MONICA: (enters) Oh my god.
RACHEL: Hey.
JOEY: Hi.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, youknow, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager,calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, andguess who got the job.
JOEY: If it's not you, this is ahorrible story.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, theymade me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Rossand Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. Youknow, someplace nice.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebeand Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk)
ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't dothis.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get agirl like that with conventional methods.
ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wantedto call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You maybe destroying two people's chance for happiness.
CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We knowme. We like me. Please let me be happy.
ROSS: Go over there and tell thatwoman the truth.
CHANDLER: All right.
ROSS: Go.
CHANDLER: Hi.
JADE: Hi.
CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, Ihave to, I have to confess something.
JADE: Yes?
CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
JADE: How did you--?
CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had thisweird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
JADE: Thanks.
CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm allcried out today.
(At Somplace Nice)
ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister,the newly-appointed head lunch chef--
MONICA: Who is also in charge ofpurchasing.
ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chefwho is also in charge of purchasing--
MONICA: Who has her own little desk whenRoland's not there.
ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, ownlittle desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister--
MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
JOEY: Cool.
PHOEBE: Let's see!
ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait!
MONICA: Oh, sorry.
JOEY: Sorry, sorry.
ROSS: Monica!
(glasses clinking)
WAITER: Are we ready to order?
RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven'teven looked yet.
WAITER: Well, when you do, just let meknow. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.
RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
JOEY: What are these, like famouschickens?
CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late.Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was myafternoon with Jade?
ROSS: Well, pretty incredibleaccording to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is thiswoman leaving a message for you on my machine?
CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her thatmy number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was mynumber because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I dowhen Mr. Roper calls?
WAITER: Do I dare ask?
MONICA: Yes, I will start with thecarpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me.
WAITER: And for the gentleman?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chickenpizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is itcheaper?
WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers)side salad.
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that beon the side of?
RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't youput it right here next to my water?
WAITER: And for you?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of thecucumber soup, and, um, take care.
CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajuncatfish.
WAITER: Anything else?
CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse ofKilling Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip,divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
RACHEL: Um, everyone?
ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
JOEY: Thank you.
ROSS: Monica's big night, sheshouldn't pay.
MONICA: Oh, thank you!
ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry,not gonna happen.
CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom nightflashback.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm reallyhappy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No!Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teenypizza! It's just...
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll eachjust pay for what we had. It's no big deal.
PHOEBE: Not for you.
MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?
RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I reallydon't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyoneuncomfortable.
PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.
JOEY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: You can tell us.
ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'llbe fine.
JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like,that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money asyou.
MONICA: Ok.
ROSS: I hear ya.
CHANDLER: We can talk about that.
PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.
ROSS: I, I just never think of moneyas an issue.
RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.
ROSS: That's a good point.
CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven'ttalked about this before?
JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin',you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't wantmy birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be ahoopla?
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing,and then there's the stuff after the thing.
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better,then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not thegift?
CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonnago see Hootie and the Blowfish.
ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I cancatch them on the radio.
PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna goto the concert.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday,and the important thing is that we all be together.
MONICA: All of us.
CHANDLER: Together.
ROSS: Not at the concert.
RACHEL: Ok.
JOEY: Yeah.
RACHEL: Thank you.
JOEY: Thanks.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That'sgotta suck, huh?
(at Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let'stake a look.
PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit.
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
ROSS: Whoo!
PHOEBE: Cool.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliersat work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.
ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey,Chandler, what is in the envelope?
CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem sodorky in the hall.
ROSS: Come on.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootieand the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don'tworry. It's our treat.
PHOEBE: So...Thank you.
ROSS: Could you be less enthused?
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, itis. But it just feels like--
MONICA: Like?
JOEY: Charity.
MONICA: Charity?
ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nicething here.
RACHEL: Ross, you have to understandthat your nice thing makes us feel this big.
PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel thatbig.
ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. Imean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.
CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybethat's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us howyou feel.
RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talkedabout this.
PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on theconcert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
RACHEL: Me neither.
JOEY: Me too.
MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.
PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extraseats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when yousaid that?
MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.
RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what youwant to do. Do we always have to do everything together?
MONICA: You know what? You're right.
PHOEBE: Fine.
ROSS: Fine.
JOEY: Fine.
CHANDLER: Fine.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It'snot for another six hours. We're gonna go then.
ROSS: Chandler!
CHANDLER: Yeah?
ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacketand tell you I had sex today.
ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?
CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler whensomebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop fromscreaming.
ROSS: Wow.
CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, butI took it as a good sign.
(phone rings)
ROSS: Still doing the screening thing?
CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have toanswer that phone again.
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you knowwhat to do.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, Ijust wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up theother day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
JADE: Oh, hi.
CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh?
JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I hadsex with him 2 hours ago.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he?
JADE: Eh.
CHANDLER: Eh?
JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing comparedto you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel sogood.
JADE: It was just so awkward andbumpy.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind ofuh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have toget used to it.
JADE: Well there really wasn't muchtime to get used to it, you know what I mean?
(at the concert)
MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna beable to enjoy this.
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday.We all should be here.
CHANDLER: So, let's go.
ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe weshould stay for one song.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rudeto them for us to leave now.
MONICA: You know, the guys are probablyhaving a great time.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time.
PHOEBE: Ok. One.
JOEY: Nooo.
MONICA: That was amazing!
ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent.
CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missedthis.
ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah.
STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Gelleraren't you?
MONICA: Do I know you?
STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.
MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher?How've you been?
STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You'reeight.
STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you.I gotta run backstage.
MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage?
STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents theband.
ROSS: Ross.
CHANDLER: Chandler.
STEVE: How are you? Look, you guyswanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled aroundwith my dad?
(at Central Perk)
ROSS: Hey, you guys.
RACHEL: Happy birthday.
ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh,how was your night last night?
RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked.How was yours?
MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked,oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him.Hey, how's his dad?
MONICA: Uh, good.
ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the wholeevening was pretty much a bust.
CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys.
JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying,this whole thing is really stupid.
PHOEBE: We just have to really, really,really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?
MONICA: No, I just, I fell down.
RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd youget the hickey?
MONICA: You know, a party, or--
RACHEL: What party?
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...agathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and theBlowfish?
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and theband are like this.
RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?
MONICA: That would be the work of aBlowfish.
RACHEL: Oh!
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can'tbelieve this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers,and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all,"hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guyscoulda been there, you know.
RACHEL: What, as part of your poorfriends outreach program?
(Monica's pager goes off)
MONICA: It's work.
CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'msorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty aboutit. We work really hard for it.
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it'sMonica. I just got a page.
CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimeswe like to do stuff that costs a little more.
JOEY: And you feel like we hold youback.
CHANDLER: Yes.
RACHEL: Oh!
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, Idon't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That wasnot a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. Whatcorporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.
PHOEBE: Oh.
(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)
WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be$4.12.
JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler)You got five bucks?
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you knowwhat to do.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'mprobably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probablyseeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just forold time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
END
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