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202 The One Withthe Breast Milk [Scene:Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
MONICA: (entering from her bedroomcarrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he'sgonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There alittle pair of Nike shoes.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben.Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressurefor him?
SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts tobreast feed Ben.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees thefeeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be rightback. (Goes into the kitchen)
JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one,too.
ROSS: (following them into thekitchen) What are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by thespoons. Ladle?
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up?That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's ababy suckin' on it.
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok?It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have anyproblem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine withit, now come on.
(They go back into the living room)
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was justwondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
CAROL: Sure.
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?
CAROL: It did at first, but notanymore.
JOEY: Chandler?
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?
CAROL: As much as he needs.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If heblows into one, does the other one get bigger?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene:Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffinsleft?
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'llget it. Anybody else want one?
ALL: No thanks.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apronhere, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under herbreath to Chandler) What a bitch.
JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have thisfriend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse hisdiscount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take mygrandmother to the vet.
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
JULIE: Great.
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums.
ROSS: Hello to the rest.
ALL: Hi!
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? Youcan't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn'tit?
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going toBloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house ofworship.
MONICA: But I'm--
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. Shewill kill you like a dog in the street.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guysare going shopping tomorrow?
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not thatbig a deal.
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This isgreat, Monica. I really appreciate this.
MONICA: You're welcome.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof.
[Scene: ADepartment Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men?Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear aboutthe new guy?
JOEY: Who?
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me andthe girls just call him the Hombre man.
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section?
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you alittle later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'?
TODD: Mornin'.
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, butit's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is myterritory.
TODD: Your territory, huh?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men?
GUY: No thanks.
TODD: Hombre?
GUY: Yeah. All right.
TODD: You were saying?
[Scene:Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]
MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were withme, and we were shopping all day.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: We were shopping, and we hadlunch.
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?
MONICA: You had a salad.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica allday, and I had a salad.
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um,for, fur.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'magainst that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at herchest) uh, boobs.
RACHEL: You bought boobs?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her brastrap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
[Scene: TheDepartment Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle,Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab acup of coffee.
ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
TODD: Ready, Annabelle?
ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time?
JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time Ilost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown.Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.
ROSS: Carol, we've been through thisbefore, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father andson.
SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great withhim. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute.
SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him.
ROSS: My mommies love me. That'sclever.
MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uhhuh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye.
RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was myfriend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.
PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!
ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, youdidn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're notsupposed to do that.
PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heatbreast milk. Ok.
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?
ROSS: It's breast milk.
PHOEBE: So?
RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezedfrom a person.
JOEY: What is the big deal?
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinkingthe breast milk?
PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?
ROSS: No!
PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretendthat it's milk?
ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had apicture of a missing child on it.
MONICA: Hey, where is everybody?
RACHEL: They took Ben to the park.Where've you been?
MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, justme, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.
RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrowit, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone,how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?
MONICA: You know what probably happened?Someone musta stolen my credit card.
RACHEL: And sorta just put the receiptback in your pocket
MONICA: That is an excellent excellentquestion. That is excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'dyou have lunch with?
MONICA: Judy.
RACHEL: Who?
MONICA: Julie.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Jody.
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was justtrying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, onething led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did itonce. It didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinkingof you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you tofind out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to getcaught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happenedto leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that Imight just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to knowone thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really,uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. IsRachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it'snot as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve.
CAROL: How did we do?
PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, andRoss freaked out.
ROSS: I did not freak out.
CAROL: Why'd you freak out?
ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It'sgross.
CAROL: My breast milk is gross?
SUSAN: This should be fun.
ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothingwrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
CHANDLER: Of course the packaging doesappeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I'vetried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.
ROSS: That would be no.
PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sortalike, uh--
SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.
JOEY: Exactly.
ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tastedit.
SUSAN: Uh huh.
ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.
SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but itwon't stop being true.
ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme thetowel.
CHANDLER: Howdy.
JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, theyswitched me over to Hombre.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of theway you're dressed.
JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy'sdoing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy,Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
CHANDLER: What do you care? You're anactor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, youknow? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta thegame. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. Youknow sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar.And then where're you gonna run?
JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. Isay you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I sayyou show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kittyand she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
RACHEL: Well that works out good,because I'm not listening.
MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurtyour knife?
MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friendswith her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
RACHEL: Yes.
MONICA: It's that terrible?
RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it.It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person thatI am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actuallystealing you.
MONICA: Me? What are you talking about?Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with herdoesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're,we're...Oh, I love you.
RACHEL: I love you too.
PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that thisreally doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, Ireally needed that.
MONICA: Look, I know that you're in aplace right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't doanything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out.I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you justgive that a chance, for me?
RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, youknow that.
MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
TODD: I heard ya.
STORE GUY:All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?
TODD: Ready.
JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.
CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy,you blinded me, I'm suing!
STORE GUY:Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?
TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus.I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: These new kids, they never last.Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy youthat cup of coffee now?
ANNABELLE: Sure.
JULIE: So.
RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of usshould hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guessyou'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn'teven tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.
RACHEL: Really? Me?
JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding?Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it'sprobably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe youdon't.
RACHEL: Well, you're not totallyparanoid.
JULIE: Oy.
RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when youand uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for manyreasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happyhe is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's alwayssaying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.
JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would youlike to go to a movie sometime or something?
RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd loveit.
JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gottago. So, I'll talk to you later.
RACHEL: All right, Julie. What amanipulative bitch.
END
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