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124 The OneWhere Rachel Finds Out [Scene: Central Perk,the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, tothe group.]
Ross:And here's little Ben nodding off...
Monica:Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
Phoebe: Oh, look, he'sgot Ross's haircut!
Rachel: Oh, let me see!(grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want tokiss him all over!
(Ross is practicallydrooling over Rachel at this point.)
Ross: (quietly) Thatwould be nice.
(Chandler, annoyed withRoss's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)
Rachel: Pardon?
Chandler: Nothing, justa little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey isseated)
(Joey is looking at hischeck.)
Joey: Hey, Chan, canyou help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
Chandler: Oh, yeah,right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jilliondollars.
Joey: I will, really.I'll pay you back this time.
Chandler: (sigh)... Andwhere's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)
Joey: Well... I'mhelping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.
Ross: (overhearing)What kind of research?
Joey: Oh, just,y'know.... science.
Ross: Science. Yeah, Ithink I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)
Joey: (sigh)... It's afertility study.
(Rachel laughs.)
Monica: Oh, Joey,please tell me you're only donating your time.
Joey: Alright, come onyou guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down thereevery other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but atthe end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Wow, ooh,you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica andRachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel'sbirthday.]
Monica: OK, we got thecole slaw, we got the buns...
Phoebe: We've got theground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)
(Chandler and Joeyenter with charcoal.)
Chandler: (in a deepvoice) Men are here.
Joey: We make fire.Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put outfire by peeing, no get invited back.
Monica and Phoebe:Ewww!
Monica: Oh Joey,Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
Joey: Oh, OK.
Phoebe: So how arethings going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) specialsomeone?
Joey: I don't know,she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
Monica: Yeah? What doesshe think of your little science project?
Joey: What, you thinkI'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
Monica: Man's got apoint.
Joey: Well, the toughthing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.
Joey: Yeah, well, Istill got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if Iwant to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, ifyou know what I mean.
Monica: Joey... wealways know what you mean.
[Time lapse. Chandlerand Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters,carrying luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey. (Phoebe seeshis bags)
Phoebe: How long didyou think this barbecue was gonna last?
Ross: I'm going toChina.
Phoebe: Jeez, you sayone thing, and...
Monica: You're going toChina?
Ross: Yeah, i-it's forthe museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us tohave the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us thebo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh...like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary(hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands itto Monica)
Phoebe: Oh, let me see!(takes the picture)
Ross: (to Monica):Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so hedoesn't forget me?
Monica: Yeah.
(Phoebe puts thepicture of Ross up to her face.)
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'myour father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Rossstaring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Ross: Hey, is Rachelhere? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
Monica: Oh no, she'sout having drinks with Carl.
Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey,who's Carl?
Monica: You know, thatguy she met at the coffeehouse.
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Oh, well, see,there's this guy she met at the...
Ross: At thecoffeehouse, right.
Phoebe: So you do knowwho he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.
Ross: OK, I'm gonna gosay goodbye to the guys.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'knowwhat? Tell them that bone story.
(Ross goes outisde onthe balcony.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: (sigh)....I haveto go to China.
Joey: The country?
Ross: No no, this bigpile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler: Uh, let'ssee... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.
Ross: Well, Rachel'shaving drinks with him tonight.
Joey: Oh no! How canshe do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
Chandler: Forget abouther.
Joey: He's right, man.Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Course there,they just call it food.
Ross: Yeah... I guess.I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (givesChandler a gift for Rachel)
Joey: Listen, buddy,we're just looking out for you.
Ross: I know.
Joey: We want you to behappy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joeygives Ross a hug)
Chandler: I'm still onmy first. I just think you're nice.
[Time lapse. Melanie,Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel.Ross is gone.]
Melanie: Anyway, that'swhen me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We callourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
Joey: Like the threemusketeers, only with fruit.
Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh.(looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)
Monica: (gets up) OK,how does everybody like their burgers?
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no.Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)
(Everyone followsRachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
Monica: Hey, hold onthere, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
Joey: Well, not sogood. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete thetransaction, if you know what I...
(Monica rolls hereyes.)
Joey: Then you do. Heh,heh.
Monica: So, uh, haveyou ever thought about being there for her?
Joey: What do you mean?
Monica: Y'know, just bethere for her.
(Long pause... Joeylooks confused.)
Joey: Not followingyou.
Monica: Think about it.
(They both walk over towhere Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruitbasket.)
Rachel: OK, I'mguessing this is from...
(Melanie smiles.)
Rachel: Well, thankyou, Melanie.
Chandler: (pointing outa gift) OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: (picks it up)OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) TravelScrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
(Chandler looksdejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)
Rachel: This one's fromJoey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book.And...(opens it)...it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr.Seuss!
Joey: (to Rachel): Thatbook got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is alittle child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, thedoctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
(Rachel picks up thenext gift.)
Rachel: Who's thisfrom?
Chandler: Oh, that'sRoss's.
Rachel: Oh... (opensit)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Rememberedwhat?
Rachel: It was likemonths ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in thewindow, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was alittle girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure,but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty.This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica: I can't believehe did this.
Chandler: Come on,Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought herthat ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
(Everyone looks at him.He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You canhear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)
Rachel: What did youjust say?
Chandler: (panicked)ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no....the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: (stutteringincoherently) F-hah.... flennin....
Rachel: Oh.... my God.
Chandler: (rubbing histemples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....
Joey: (pats Chandler onthe leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica andRachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: I mean, this isunbelievable.
Phoebe: I know. This isreally, really huge.
Chandler: No it's not.It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don'tthink any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
Chandler: OK, is therea mute button on this woman?
Monica: I think this isso great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
Rachel: No! None! Imean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out,but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did hesay? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
Joey: Well, given thathe's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup ofcoffee or something.
Rachel: Ross? All thistime? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)
Chandler: (quickly)H-He's in China!
Joey: The country.
Monica: No, no, wait.(checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five moreminutes.
Chandler: What about thetime difference?
Monica: From here tothe airport?
Chandler: Yes! (Rachelwalks towards door) You're never gonna make it!
Monica: Rachel, what'reyou gonna say to him?
Rachel: I-I-I don'tknow.
Chandler: Well thenmaybe you shouldn't go.
Joey: He's right, causeif you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that canwait.
Monica: Yeah, but ifit's good news, you should tell him now.
Rachel: I don't know.Maybe I'll know when I see him.
Phoebe: Here, look,alright, does this help?
(Phoebe gets up, holdsthe picture of Ross up to her face.)
Rachel: Noooo... look,all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is justtoo big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'llsee you later. (opens door)
Chandler: Rachel, Ilove you! Deal with me first! (she
leaves)
[Scene: Airport, Rosshas headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape.Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. Heis getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
Ross: (something inChinese)
Flight Attendant:Alright!
Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma!(walks onto jetway)
(Rachel runs into theairport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)
Rachel: Ross! Excuseme, pardon me, excuse me....
(Rachel gets up to thejetway.)
Flight Attendant: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Flight Attendant: May Isee your boarding pass?
Rachel: Oh, no, no, Idon't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
Flight Attendant: Oh,oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boardingpass.
Rachel: No, I know, butI—he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can Ij-just...
Flight Attendant: No nono! Federal regulations!
Rachel: OK, alright,OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please?This is very important.
Flight Attendant:Alright. What's the message?
Rachel: Uh... I don'tknow.
[Cut to the Jetway, theflight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with hiswife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
Flight Attendant: Sir?Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
Man: (confused) What?
Flight Attendant: It'sfrom Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when youget back.
Man: (to wife): Toby...Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel!Don't give me that deep freeze.
[Scene: Joey's Bedroom,he and Melanie are in bed together.]
Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh,Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!
Joey: Heh, heh. It wasnothin'.
Melanie: Well, nowwe've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)
Joey: (panicked) Uhhh..y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
Melanie: (surprised)M-Me again?
Joey: Sure! Why not?
Melanie: Boy,somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
(Joey starts to kissher.)
Melanie: Oooh, I gottatell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
Joey: How do you mean?
Melanie: I don't know,I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me,me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. Imean... you're practically a woman.
[Scene: Monica andRachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrappingpaper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
Monica: Uh, so, uh,Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a littlebit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
Rachel: I don't know. Idon't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it allthe way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? Imean, it's Ross.
Monica and Phoebe:Sure.
Rachel: I don't know, Imean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'mthinking it'd be really great.
Monica: Oh my God, metoo! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? Thebest part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's likestarting on the fifteenth date!
Phoebe: Yeah, but,y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
Monica: Another goodpoint.
Phoebe: No, I mean, Imean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a veryrelationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
Rachel: (confused) Huh?
Phoebe: Well, I mean,then what happens if it doesn't work out?
Monica: Why isn't itworking out?
Rachel: I don't know...sometimes it doesn't.
Monica: Is he not cuteenough for you?
Rachel: No!
Monica: Does he notmake enough money?
Rachel: No, I'mjust....
Phoebe: Maybe there'ssomeone else.
Rachel: Wha...
Monica: Is there? Isthere someone else?
Rachel: No! There is..there is noone else!
Monica: Then why thehell are you dumping my brother?!?
[Scene: Chandler andJoey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]
Chandler: Hey, big...
Joey: Shhhh!
Chandler: (quietly)...spender.
Joey: She's stillasleep.
Chandler: So how'd itgo?
Joey: Oh, it wasamazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?
Chandler: The fact thatyou'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.
Joey: Well, it's like,last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to doall this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like aticker tape parade!
Chandler: Yes, I know,as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
Joey: It was amazing!And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'mblind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was ableto appreciate it on another level.
Chandler: I didn't knowyou had another level.
Joey: I know! Neitherdid I!
[Scene: Monica andRachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]
Monica: Hey, greatskirt! Birthday present?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, from who?
Rachel: From you. Iexchanged the blouse you got me.
Monica: Well, it's thethought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh,Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this—thiswhole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
Monica: Oh, why?
Rachel: Because, I feellike I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all ofyou. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
Monica: (gets up) No,no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
Rachel: Monica, nothinghas even happened yet, and you're already so...
Monica: I am not 'so'!OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
(Door buzzer goes off.Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Intercom: It's me,Carl.
Rachel: C'mon up.
Monica: Behind mybrother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thingyou won't be hearing from me.
[Scene: Chandler andJoey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit.Joey enters, check in hand.]
Joey: Seven hundredbucks!
Chandler: Alright, youdid it! Do we have any fruit?
Joey: Man, hell of atwo weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
Chandler: Really? So,you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
Joey: What, are youcrazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?(Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
[Scene: Monica andRachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
Carl: I'm just sayin',if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'mgonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmentalissues per se.... it's just that guy!
(Rachel looks bored. Atthis point, Ross—a figment of Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony andstarts talking to her.)
Ross: I can't believeyou'd rather go out with him than me.
Rachel: Would youexcuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
Ross: Fine, just stopthinking about me.
(She tries, and Rossdisappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)
Ross: Can't do it, canyou?
Rachel: So I'm thinkingabout you. So what?
Ross: I don't get it.What do you see in this guy, anyway?
Rachel: Well... hehappens to be a very nice... guy....
Carl: I mean, come on,buddy, get a real car!
Ross: Rachel, come on.Give us a chance.
Rachel: Ross, it's toohard.
Ross: No, no, no...why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. Thisis about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
Rachel: Ross, you'relike my best friend.
Ross: I know.
Rachel: If we broke up,and I lost you...
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa.What makes you think we're gonna break up?
Rachel: Well, have youbeen involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
Ross: (pause) No.But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect foreach other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted tome?
Rachel: I don't know...I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
Ross: Well, startlooking.
(They kiss. Ross walksaway, and then fades out.)
Rachel: Wow.
Carl: Exactly! And youjust know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
Rachel: Right! You'reright!
Carl: Heh... y'know?
Rachel: You know what?
Carl: What?
Rachel: I forgot... Iam supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if youwant to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) Imean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
(Rachel leaves.)
Carl: But...
[Scene: Airport.Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate withflowers.]
Rachel: (siftingthrough crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
[Cut to the jetway, theold man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off theplane, his wife still upset with him.]
Man: For God's sake,will you let it go? There's no Rachel!
(A Chinese womangetting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)
Ross: Oh, hey, hey, Igot that.
(Ross picks up thebag... then he and the woman kiss.)
Julie: Oh, thanks,sweetie.
Ross: No problem. Icannot wait for you to meet my friends.
Julie: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Julie: You don't thinkthey'll judge and ridicule me?
Ross: No, no, theywill. I just... uh...
Ross and Julie: Can'twait.
Ross: Come on, they'regonna love you.
[Cut to a close-up ofRachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off theplane with another woman.]
End
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