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122 The One With the Ick Factor
(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)
Monica: Tell him.
Rachel: No.
Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.
Monica: Just...please tell him.
Rachel: Shut up!
Chandler: Tell me what?
Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could useanother reason why women won't look at me.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had adream that, uh, you and I, were...
Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)
Chandler: Wow!
Joey: Exellent dream score.
Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?
Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.
Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allwayssurprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)
Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way aroundthe table.
Ross: I love it, when we share.
(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)
Chandler: You're okay there?
Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunkand i was somebody else's subconscious.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandleris sitting on the table.]
Chandler: Hello Rachel.
Rachel: Get off.
Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see meoperating a drill press?
Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I getback some of my massage clients.
Chandler: Pirates again?
Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. Itaught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.
Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.
Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple ofweeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's awhole big boob story.
Phoebe: I could be a secretary.
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's yourkinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion ofthe day.
Phoebe: I could do that.
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Rachel: What are you playing with?
Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeperfor?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, comequick, they're still extinct.'
Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can getme wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how oldyou are?
Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause Itold him I was 22.
All: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are therewhen the phone starts ringing.]
Chandler: Can you hear that?
Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?
Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)
Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) NoI'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens)And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message.Bye bye.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Ross says hi.
Chandler: Ah!
Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay,I'm gonna be out there.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.
Chandler: Bye bye.
(The intercom buzzes)
Chandler: (answering it) Yes?
Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?
Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel arethere. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]
Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's totight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen tocheck on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?
Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you'vebeen dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all thesudden are you so... Oh.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?
Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love beingwith him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan thesethings.
Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: A-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. Itdoesn't mean...
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's babytime. Baby time.
Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Becool, be cool.
(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No,Andr?is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No,sir. I don't perform those kind of services.
Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that'sright. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't wantme. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie,bye bye.
(Phoebe and Chandler enter)
Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes.(Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.
Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: I thought you knew that.
Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?
Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot.But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. BossMan". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
(Joey and Ross laughs)
Chandler: I can't belive it.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
Chandler: They do me?
Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report beany later?'
(Joey and Ross laughs)
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...
Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.
Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound ofmusic.'
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)
Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.
Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)
Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so nottrue.
(Joey and Chandler laughs)
Chandler: That is so not... That is so not...That... Oh, shut up!
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethanare sitting in the couch.]
Monica: Did not.
Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, Ithought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
Monica: How was that possible?
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A manis being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.'And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks hiswatch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
Monica: Okay.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Okay.
Monica: Unless...
Young Ethan: What?
Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm goingto, so...
Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, thereis something you should know.
Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow'or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'
Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in astrictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven'tever uh...
Monica: Ethan?
Young Ethan: Yeah?
Monica: Are you a virgin?
Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it thesedays then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.
Monica: Really?
Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
(They kiss)
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on thebed.]
Young Ethan: Wow!
Monica: You keep saying that.
Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in themovies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
(They kiss)
Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was reallydifficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.
Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.
Young Ethan: Oh.
Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25...and thirteen months.
Young Ethan: Huh!
Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't changeanything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, Ihave another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.
Monica: You're not a senior?
Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
Monica: Ok...ay.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]
Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex withsomebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
Young Ethan: I just had sex.
Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.
Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of usa felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...
Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)
Young Ethan: ...in love with you.
Monica: Really?
Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.
Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even behere, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you seewith shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
Young Ethan: Who?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica isthere.]
Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?should be there in like 45minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.
Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly...saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there.(Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.
Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)
Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybodyelse there.
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints oranything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and thenyou and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel: (laughs) You know what?
Joey: What?
Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.
(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at eachother then recoil in horror.)
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)
(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hearwhat the others say)
Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.
Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
All: (shouting) Mon!
(Monica takes of her walkman)
Monica: What?
Rachel: Ethan called again.
Monica: Oh.
Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?
Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.
Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that heneeds a note to get out of gym.
(Monica stares at Rachel)
Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not sayanything, I swear. He stopped by.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you askhim which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
(Ross and Chandler laughs)
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could wedrop it now?
Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
(They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangersdo)
Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush.One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!
Rachel: Where are you going?
Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some workpeople.
Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.
Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know,them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these peoplewere my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm adifferent person.
Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, justhang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
Chandler: You think I should?
Phoebe: I really do, yeah.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna bethe geek that invited the boss.
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking abreak from work.]
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaokething. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like,"Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you,Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"
Chandler: Then, I don't get it.
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gottaface it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one thathires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
Chandler: They do?
Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
Chandler: I just wan't to...
Phoebe: No, but you can't.
Chandler: But I just wa...
Phoebe: Uh uh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe andChandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]
Monica: Aren't you gonna...
Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
Joey: What about Andr?
Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I thinkwas our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
(Ethan enters)
Young Ethan: Hey.
Monica: That was gonna be my opener.
Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone)Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.
Rachel: True story.
Joey: They're here already?
(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)
Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'mnot 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this isridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, andthe sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.
Monica: It was.
Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?
Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away becauseit's icky?
Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things weredifferent, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger,or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...
Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with hishand)
Monica: ...love you.
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom.They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
Ross: Are you're hands still wet?
Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.
Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.
(They go to the bathroom again)
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works.Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees's conversation. One ofthem is doing Chandler.]
Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be anystronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.
Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.
Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonnaneed them on my desk by nine o'clock.
Santos: Sure.
Gerston: No problem.
(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh atChandler)
Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, nowthat was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
Phoebe: Petrie.
Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna beworking this weekend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, butturns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket overher.]
Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokesher hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh.Huh, Ross!
(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on thecoffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachelwakes up.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I'm here.
Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!
Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having ababy.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Ooh, Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto thetable again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.
(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slipsand falls onto the floor)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I'm hurt.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for theothers to get ready, to go to the hospital.]
Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
(Chandler struts out from his apartment)
Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've gotgoing here.
Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirrorand a lipstick in her hands)
Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctorsthere.
Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.
Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from theirapartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)
Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)
Joey: For the ride.
Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab...
Ross: Save it.
Chandler: Okay, hating this.
Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.
(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)
Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonnahave like a nephew.
Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.
Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.
(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around,looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)
Chandler: Here we go, here we go.
Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.
End
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