|
|
|
121 The One With The Fake Monica
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking atpapers.]
Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit cardnumber?
Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card peoplesaid that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.
Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they'vekind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That's me.
Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to alamp which is shaking behind the sofa)
Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! NowMarcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-
Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.
Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.
Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...
Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longercurious.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica isstill examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]
Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
Monica: This woman's living my life.
Rachel: What?
Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better thanme! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, shebuys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spentthree hundred dollars on art supplies.
Rachel: You're not an artist.
Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean,I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.
Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I takeclasses at the New School?
Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...
Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, andshe doesn't have my mother.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussingstage names.]
Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have aname that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
(The waitress brings their coffee.)
Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joeymakes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) WhichI'm not.
Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It soundsfamiliar.
Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's prettygood.
Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. JosephStalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebeand Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is MonicaGeller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering whatthey were.
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up)I'm going to tap class.
Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman thatstole your credit card?
Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who sheis.
Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up!...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, thisis really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for thelove of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at thedoor.]
Monica: What d'you think?
Phoebe: Lotsa things.
(They go in and sit down.)
Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
(The teacher comes up to them.)
Teacher: May I help you?
Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.
Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance adance class. Spare shoes are over there.
Rachel: What does she mean?
Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance adance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare shoes)
Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?
Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were someempty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happenagain!
Rachel: She could be you.
(Music starts)
Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seveneight...
(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)
Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!
Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totallygetting it!
Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just sounbelievably uncoordinated?
(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync withthe rest of the class)
Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settlesit)
Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'mwith Rachel.
Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.
Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the frontand dance with me.
Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have anightmare.
(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front ofthe room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'mlate, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?
Teacher: She's your partner.
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.
Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?
Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam.(Asks her something in Dutch)
Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]
Ross: (Mortified) Hi.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Joey: Where've you been?
Ross: At the vet.
Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those bigplastic cones, is she?
Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase.Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start gettingagressive and violent.
Chandler: So what does this mean?
Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued fromearlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]
Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can hebe an adult already?
Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this littlething, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?
Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where hehas regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I'vejust gotta get him into a zoo.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally ourfirst choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, SanDiego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's outof state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach.I mean, it's a total party zoo.
(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)
Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Did you call the cops?
Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.
Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. Shestole. She's a stealer.
Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for liketen minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, withthis, with this amazing spirit.
Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler: ...Take off their hats!
Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and FakeMonica are there.]
Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.
Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersensin room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over theentire sixth floor!
Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're,y'know, short and have breasts...
Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel!Me!
Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only onesliving the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't waitup. (Exits)
Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for aBroadway show.
Monica: 'Scuse me?
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we godown there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. Imean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amishbackground.
Monica: What?
Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I wasshunned.
Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I sawa movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring.I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't bein the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do somecommunity theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hoursof my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more thanall the other crap I was afraid to do.
Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs.Doubtfire.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]
Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't getinto Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take likedogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how cannobody want him?
Rachel: Oh, somebody will.
Joey: (entering) You know there already is a JosephStalin?
Chandler: You're kidding.
Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator whoslaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!
Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.
Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me wouldbe?
Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara,a zookeeper.]
Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more ofan interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it,uh, Marcel?
Ross: Yes.
Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.
Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?
Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?
Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...
Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?
Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animalwith horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's justcruel.
(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.
Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone wasringing...
Chandler: ...He's in.
Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego.San Diego!
Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego'sall well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against ablind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. Shecomes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then justputs them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]
Monica: Yo- hooo!
Rachel: Where the hell've you been?
Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
Rachel: Are you drunk?!
Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am sodrunk.
Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could'vecalled, I have been up here, I've been worried...
(Monica is drinking from the tap)
Rachel: Monica? Monica!
Monica: Water rules!
Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called,they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?
Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna loseyour job! This is not you!
Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person whoneeds to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know,when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!
(The phone rings and Rachel answers)
Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana,it's for you, the credit card people.
Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
Rachel: What?
Monica: They've arrested Monica.
[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monicais visiting Fake Monica.]
Monica: Hi.
Fake Monica: Hey.
Monica: How are you?
Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour.How-how did you know I was here?
Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit cardyou were using.
Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.
Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.
Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.
Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, ifit wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on thestage at the Wintergarden Theater!
Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.
Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what amI gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who'sgonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front oftwenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the BigApple Circus?
Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.
Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonnago back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.
Monica: Not necessarily...
Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybeit's the Amish thing.
Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.
Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?
[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]
Teacher: You by the door. In or out?
Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)
Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!
Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!
[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there tosee off Marcel.]
PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to SanDiego, boarding at gate 42A.
Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wroteyou this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.
Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh!
Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lotof babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
Ross: Just, just say what you feel.
Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.
Ross: That was good.
Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you.It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.
Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take amoment, just me and him.
All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, thenrealise what he means and go to the other end of the room)
Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marceljumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a couplathings I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forgetabout you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be-(Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could youleave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would-okay, just take him away. Just take him.
(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going onfor a play.]
Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that Iwere a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Holden McGroin.
End
|
|
收藏
分享
有用
无用