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119 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to acustomer.]
Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, EnglishBreakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait,there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for thetea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.]
Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample ofcoffee!
Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.
Monica: What is it?
Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me theengagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry andMindy!
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!
Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (SeesRachel's look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross areeating Chinese.]
Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice,c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice)Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gaveBarry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
Ross: Really.
Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were-with somebody.
Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forgetrelationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys,it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it waseasy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And itwas just this raw, animal, sexual...
Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.
Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both?Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can makeyour toes curl?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny,very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, mightjust be the one who...
(Enter the other four)
Monica: Hi.
Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!
Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?
Monica: Wonderful!
Phoebe: So good!
Joey: Suck-fest.
Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.
Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like,y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...
Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just solong as there's a little nudity.
Monica: There was nudity!
Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't needto see Lou Grant frolicking.
Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We'regonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
Chandler: They're still just friends, right?
Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!
Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at AuntRachel's, aren't you.
Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say inthis?
Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You'renot even gonna be there.
[Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]
Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happenwith Rachel, they would've happened already?
Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for arelationship with someone exactly like me.
Joey: She really said that?
Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But shesaid she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonnabe the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to takecare of my monkey.
Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottleof wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take herback to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care ofMarcel and they are watching a soap opera.]
Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr.Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hateher. We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal ashoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're notsupposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe intothe kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and tapsthe contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Littleengagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves theapartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the dooropen. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TVand Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll himover! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks downand notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)
[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is backat Monica and Rachel's.]
Joey: How could you lose him?
Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he poopedin Monica's shoe-
Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
Rachel: I don't know. The left one.
Monica: Which ones?
Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think gowith everything.
Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.
All: Hi.
Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?
Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
Phoebe: Oh no, how?
Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.
Phoebe: Which one?
Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause theleft one is lucky...
Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're wegonna do?
Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in thecity. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonnawanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the RussianTea Room.
Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home anyminute! He's gonna kill me!
Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys takethe first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.
Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?
Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone.Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
(They all leave)
Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...
[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebeare knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]
Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?
Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seenit?
Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.
Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?
Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...
Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)
Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchianmonkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and,and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.
Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?
Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is thatwine?
Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?
Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what?Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?
Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we headoff to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to runsomething by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh,relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well-
Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.
Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine)
Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, pleasedon't hate me.
Ross: Oh, what? What-what?
Rachel: Y'know Marcel?
Ross: ...Yeah?
Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.
[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting withdisbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, allI asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry-
Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault.Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should'vestarted you off with like a pen or a pencil.
Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can,I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs toget it) Oh! Who is it?
Intercom: Animal Control.
Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control!
Ross: You called Animal Control?
Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?
Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm notallowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away fromme.
Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that...
Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you weregonna invite them to the apartment!
(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)
Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.
Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a completemisunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness andlight)
Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.
Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.
Ross: Cat!
Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!
(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)
Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one'sseen Marcel.
Luisa: Marcel?
Ross: My uncle Marcel.
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegalexotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of theanimal?
Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature injail?
Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about sayingthings quietly to yourself first?
Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!
Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcilethis! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm MonicaGeller.
Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!
Rachel: Yeah!
Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guysin home room!
Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!
Monica: The Luisa from home room!
Rachel: Yes!!
Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.
Monica: No, none at all.
Rachel: None.
Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four yearsignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or'Nice overalls'?
Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!
Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had yourown problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help usout here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he'smine. (Leaves)
Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.
[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marceljump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey comedown from the upper floor without noticing.]
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. Avery sweaty woman emerges)
Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?
(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)
Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we werelooking for something...
Joey: A monkey.
Chandler: Yes have you seen any?
Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anythingabout fixing radiators?
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knobback the other way?
Woman No. 1: Of course.
Joey: Oh. Then, no.
(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks toher friend)
Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?
(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)
Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find yourmonkey. (She starts to shut the door)
Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not knowanything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertisein the heating and cooling... mileu.
Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of somethinghere?
Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need ourhelp! And they're very hot.
Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. Youhave no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you seehim, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could getsome pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.
(The women quickly shut the door)
Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to otherpeople.
Joey: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?!
[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]
Phoebe: Marcel?
Monica: Marcel?
Phoebe: Marcel?
Both: Marcel?
Phoebe: Oh-my-God!
Monica: Whaaat!
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg!
Monica: What is it?
Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.
(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in thecorner)
Monica: Look, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!
(Luisa appears on the stairs)
Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)
Monica: What're you gonna do?
Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.
(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then atLuisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.)
Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off andLuisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliserdart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.
Monica: Oh gosh.
[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices abanana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him andcarries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]
Ross: Marcel?
Rachel: Marcel?
Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over theneighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone.
Rachel: Ross, you don't know that.
Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know theVillage. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have nomonkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.
Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What doyou want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break myfoot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, areyou happy now?!
Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign,hey! I don't miss Marcel any more!
Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. Imean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land,doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people'sfeelings...
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: What? What?
(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. Theystare for a minute and then hobble after him)
Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!
(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles'door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door)
Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt istotally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
(Mr. Heckles opens the door)
Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?
Mr. Heckles: What about it?
Ross: Gimme back my monkey.
Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.
Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?
Mr. Heckles: Potassium.
(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Rosspushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)
Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he?Marcel? Marcel?
(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress.Everybody gasps)
Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.
Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. (Marcel startsto go to him)
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)
Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)
Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here,monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut)Gotcha.
Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.
Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with thejudge.
Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you cansend that back whenever.
Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.
Luisa: No!
Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!
Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.
Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, youcouldn't've been fat.
Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and Iwas the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there!But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in mylife. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa,you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!
Luisa: Nope.
Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor,and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross arethere. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]
Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yesit will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be agreat little outfit.
Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before,it's just I...
Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your...
Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know?You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle ofwine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?
Rachel: That'd be good.
Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then hehesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he actssurprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and startsto pour the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, Iwas thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I wasthinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...
(Barry bursts in)
Barry: Rachel.
Rachel: Barry?!
Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I thinkI'm still in love with you.
Ross and Rachel: Oh!
Ross: We have got to start locking that door!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, andChandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook]
Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the vonTrapp kids?
Phoebe: Nope.
Monica: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.
Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.
Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was justfour years of parties and dating and sex.
Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with fourhundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts todance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!
End
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