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220 The One WhereOld Yeller Dies [Scene: Monica and Rachel'sapartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfullywatching TV.]
PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?
RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset?It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: What're you talkin' about?
PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets adog, frontier fun.
ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what aboutthe end?
PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves savesthe family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
RACHEL: That's not the end.
PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when mymother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
MONICA: What about the part where hehas rabies?
PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, hehas babies. That's what my mom said.
RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's aboutto happen.
PHOEBE: What, what's about tohappen? [starts watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watchadoin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, hehe's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. [hear thegunshot from the TV]
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking andMonica is on the phone.]
MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten,because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken andpotatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.
[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]
JOEY: Ya know, one of these timesyou're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.
MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg,three breasts and a wing.
CHANDLER: Well, how do you findclothes that fit?
JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got aquestion.
MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionthtime, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
JOEY: No, not that one. We're tryingto figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.
CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go soit's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with thepoking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do youwant some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey,why don't you ask Richard?
JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if youhad an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friendwho smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?
RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should takesomeone who's a huge Knicks fan.
CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.
RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the balcony]
MONICA: I meant, why don't you takeRichard to the game? What?
JOEY: I don't know.
MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers tohimself and he's always minty fresh.
CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard'sreally nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well,ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than somepeople, but, uh, younger than some buildings.
MONICA: So what, he's a littleolder, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he mighttake you on his Jag. [walks off]
JOEY: How do we say yes now and makeit seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?
CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.
JOEY: [Monica walks back in thekitchen] Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.
CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]
ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no,you're fine, you're fine.
CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello
ROSS: Hi.
SUSAN: Hey.
CAROL: Hi honey.
ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonnabelieve what happened.
CAROL: What?
SUSAN: What?
ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over thereplaying on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulledhimself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so ityou guys want to see it.
CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already didit last week.
SUSAN: You can watch our tape if youwant.
ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss,I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolledover, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is hedriving, does he have a favorite liquour?
CAROL: Actually, he is gettingcloser on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he saidyumen.
ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missingstuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a wholeweekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-
CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That wouldbe fine.
ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had awhole speach prepared.
SUSAN: Oh shout, that would havebeen fun.
ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just seethat? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before,you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carryingvideo tapes.]
PHOEBE: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha gotthere?
PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian'sSong, and Terms of Endearment.
MONICA: Wow, all you need now is TheKilling Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandmaabout the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to notshow us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. Youknow, before she killed herself.
[Chandler and Joey enter]
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
RACHEL: Hey.
MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where'sRichard? Did you ditch him?
JOEY: Yeah right after we stole hislunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking thecar.
MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?
CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.
MONICA: Really?
CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive hisJaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.
RACHEL: Wow, he must like you thebest.
JOEY: Oh, what about that thing hedid when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw themoney, it was like this. [With money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks forshowing us to our seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].
CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey,thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar back].
JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler
CHANDLER: I think they get it.
JOEY: Ok.
[Richard enters]
CHANDLER: There's the man.
JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had andpasses the dollar]
RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.
JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping offBen.]
MONICA: So your first whole weekendwithout Ben, what're you guys gonna do?
CAROL: Uh, we're going down toColonial Williamsburg.
SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went tocollege with just became the first female blacksmith down there.
ROSS: Well, ya know, they're alittle behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.
CAROL: Think I better go beforemommy starts weeping.
ROSS: Buy mommy.
CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.
ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.
MONICA: Ross.
ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey inthe kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula]Joey, do you know we can see you from here?
JOEY: How come Richard looks so muchcooler with one of these than me?
ROSS: Well for starters, you maywant to light it and lose the spatula.
MONICA: You know what, I think it'scute, you trying to be more like Richard.
JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just notun-like him.
[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]
ROSS: Look it's the artist formerlyknown as Chandler.
CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin'here, ya know.
MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you growa moustache?
JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I gotthe cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look likedorks.
ROSS: Yeah, you really sidesteppedthat land mine.
CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gottago, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
MONICA: You're meeting Richard?
JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Rangergame.
CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?
MONICA: Well, he told me he wasgoing out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.
CHANDLER: You hear that? We're theguys.
JOEY: We're the guys.
MONICA: With that moustache doesn'tChandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
ROSS: Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]
ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Benand his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies yousaid it anyway so you might as well try.
RACHEL: No luck huh?
ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sahout of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiverbut... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta takethis off.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [shetakes Ben and holds him at arms length]
ROSS: What're you doing?
RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.
ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not abomb.
RACHEL: Ok.
ROSS: Well just hold him like you'dhold a football.
RACHEL: This is how I would hold afootball.
ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.
RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just notvery good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know,since I was one.
ROSS: It's alright, it's no bigdeal.
RACHEL: Really?
ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sureyou'll feel totally different when it's our baby.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: You think about stuff likethat?
ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually Ikinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.
RACHEL: Two, two babies?
ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and agirl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel toocompetitive.
RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?
ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raisekids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.
RACHEL: Uh-huh.
ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, yaknow, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see themall the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever wewant. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassaucounty but the school system's supposedly great.
RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great.Ok, wow, you know what.
ROSS: Huh?
RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh,um here you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am gonna go pour these verynice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't havea pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that adoor? [leaves]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebeenters.]
PHOEBE: Hey.
RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer,soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.
MONICA: So you watched the movieshuh?
PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening tothe world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlottedies.
RICHARD: Charlotte who?
PHOEBE: With the web, the spider shedies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome homefrom the hospital, thud.
MONICA: Alright, you wanna feelbetter?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.
PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life.Yes I've heard of this.
MONICA: So you can't lose, it'sthere in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.
PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell forthat with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a filmabout Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, Ipromise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.
CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy,game time.
RICHARD: Hey, be right there.
MONICA: There's a game?
CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got mypick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.
RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.
MONICA: Listen, um honey, Iappreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, Imean, they have each other.
RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with thoseguys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don'tstart sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'
MONICA: Alright that's great, thenjust go. Go Knicks.
RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.
MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.
RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.
MONICA: Ok, then just go.
RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]
MONICA: Oh, why does this bother meso much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriendthey wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.
PHOEBE: Sure.
MONICA: It's just that he doesn'thave that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?
PHOEBE: Does it matter? You'reultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.
RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.
PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]
MONICA: I've got a question. Richardmade plans again with the guys.
RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just madeplans for the whole century.
MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'mgonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there.Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax withleftover Cristmas candles.
ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hellhappened back there?
RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me.One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got twokids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think aboutstuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mindwanders.
RACHEL: Ross, you have planned outthe next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
ROSS: C'mon, what, you never thinkabout our future?
RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think aboutwho's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonnahave dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' namesare gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.
ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, Iread a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought thatmight be good.
RACHEL: What was the book?
ROSS: The big book of childrens'names.
RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen,what we have is amazing.
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: But I do not want to haveeverything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I hadwith Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right nowand I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonnahave to deal with that.
ROSS: Ok fine.
RACHEL: Thank you.
ROSS: We're not done.
RACHEL: I didn't know that.
ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have tounderstand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future withyou because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you,tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.
RACHEL: Fine, I will.
ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: Well I love you too.
ROSS: Well that's the first timewe've said that.
RACHEL: Yes it is.
ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.
RACHEL: Well you better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebeenters.]
PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the greatmovie tip.
MONICA: Did you like it?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don'tknow if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business orum, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.
MONICA: Alright, I'll give you theear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?
PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, Iwas too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have beencalled, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any moreit does."
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richardat foosball.]
CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.
RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM!Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
JOEY: Man you are incredible.
RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.
CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't knowthey had foosball in the 1800's.
RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonnakick in.
MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not tosound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.
RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.
MONICA: [grabs the other two bars onRichard's side and scores] Score! Now can we go?
CHANDLER: See, that's why we don'tlet her play.
RICHARD: Is everything all right?
MONICA: Um-hmm.
RICHARD: Uh-oh.
CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't bemad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
JOEY: Yeah, he's just really greatto hang around with.
RICHARD: Well.
JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler andI were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandlerstarts kicking him below the table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, yaknow, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryinto talk here.
RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?
JOEY: Oh yeah.
CHANDLER: No.
JOEY: Nooooo.
CHANDLER: Your just, your justclearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad,we mean buddy. We mean pal.
RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.
CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey'smy dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.
RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romanticevening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.
MONICA: Nighty-nite.
CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You'renot a dad.
JOEY: Not a dad.
CHANDLER: I can't believe you got usinto trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back]
MONICA: [her and Richard return toher place] So are you ok?
RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just oneof the guys.
MONICA: Come here. I'll make youfeel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck atfoosball.
RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.
MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross'ssupervision.]
ROSS: Ok, and then you take thepoopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.
RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know,calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.
ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.
CAROL: It's us.
ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get therest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]
RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now,can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. Idid it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.
BEN: Hi.
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you justsay? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.
ROSS: Wha, what?
RACHEL: Ben just said hi.
ROSS: What, the word hi?
RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.
ROSS: Great, great, and I miss thattoo, I miss everything.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess Ijust bring it out in him.
CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.
RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just saidhis first word.
CAROL: What did he say?
ROSS: Something about hi.
SUSAN: That's so exciting.
CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi.Hi.
RACHEL: You know, actually it's morelike, hi.
CAROL: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi.
CAROL: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi.
CAROL: Hi.
RACHEL: Hi.
CAROL: Hi.
SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for awhile.
CAROL: We've got a cab waitingdownstairs.
ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, weshould really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.
CAROL: Tuesday.
ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye youguys.
RACHEL: Take care.
ROSS: Bye Ben.
BEN: Bye.
RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, didhe just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You saidbye to me.
SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him gooff to college.
CAROL: We've gotta go, we've gotthat cab waiting.
ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.
BEN: Bye.
ROSS: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
ROSS: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
ROSS: Bye.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Erniewith Ben.]
ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert,isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.
PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben,this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now,I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before thathappens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handleit. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here wego. [starts the tape again]
ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was herejust a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.
PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here. END |
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