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115 The One With the Stoned Guy
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross,and Monica their drinks.]
Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)
Ross: Grazie.
Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)
Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?
Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, andfinds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee andMonica puts her cup down in disgust.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data intohis computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with onehand. One of his co-workers walks by.]
Woman: Chandler.
Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may Isay, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.
Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by hisoffice at the end of the day.
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I hadnothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries tohide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler.Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has,like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, youknow...
(Chandler comes in.)
Chandler: Hey!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.
Ross: What's going on?
All: What is it?
Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting mynumbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make meprocessing supervisor.
All: That's great!
Chandler: So.... I quit.
All: Why?
Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!
Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting thatthis is what I actually do.
Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one ofthose guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying aboutthe WENUS.
(Everyone looks at him, confused.)
Rachel: ... the WENUS?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processingterm.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.
Joey: So what're you going to do?
Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what Iwant to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.
Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this newmassage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he'slooking for a head chef.
Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh,yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um,Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffingexperience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!
Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's lookingfor someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.
Monica: (excited) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do youthink?
Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself ina big white hat.
Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in,wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?
Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. RobertPillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."
Rachel: Career counselor?
Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
Rachel: I don't!
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know whatyou want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have adream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream"speech.
(Monica enters, excited.)
Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!
Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!
Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?
Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's goingto be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, nottoo small. Just right.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and somebears?
Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night.You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here,which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummynoises.
Rachel: What are you going to make?
Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummynoises.
Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going tomake?
Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be sogreat!
Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to joinMonica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make thatthing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, thatthing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in theneighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak,it's free.
Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place ifyou're not dating a puma?
Chandler: Who are you going out with?
Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?
Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you,Ross.
Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She'scurator of insects at the museum.
Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, andthen maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...youthinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'mhoping (gestures) huh-huh.
Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She'sgoing to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging fromCelia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]
Ross: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He'snot going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...
Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...
Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there butRoss and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]
Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.
Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.
Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?
Joey: It's creamier.
Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?
Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish,Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothesare askew, he looks beat.)
Rachel: My God! What happened to you?
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests,intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps theresults and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in dataprocessing for a large multinational corporation."
Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to dothat!
Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem likesomebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I justalways pictured myself doing something...something.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, Iknow, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go,maybe this'll cheer you up.
Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, soI'd better split this with you.
Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer.The French call it an amouz-bouche.
Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens)Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?...(Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)
Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?
Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'dhelp me out.
Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?
Joey: Uh-oh.
Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...
Rachel: But, but?
Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go justperfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.
Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining myamateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.
Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tablesat Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A WomanSoon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Rossand Celia are kissing passionately.]
Celia: Talk to me.
Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the trainthis morning...
Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.
Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?
Celia: Yes...
Ross: Ah....
Celia: Say something..... hot.
Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....
Celia: What?
Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there,discussing what happened last night.]
Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?
Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me bysurprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.
Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??
Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm thedirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to doto her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people mightbe doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.
Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.
Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tellme what you'd like to be doing right now.
Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...
Joey: ....yeah... what else?
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there,we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start,OK?
Ross: Joey, please.
Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice)Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.
Ross: (impressed) Wow.
Joey: Alright, now you say something.
Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.
Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You want to see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you goingto talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!
Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I justdon't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Goahead.
Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot,soft skin with my lips.
Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!
Ross: I, er...
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living roomfrom his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don'tnotice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...
(Chandler is completely astounded.)
Ross: ....and....
Joey: Say it... say it!
Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're...trembling with... with...
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross andJoey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop,and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Chandler: (smiling)....with??
Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!
Joey: You're not going to believe this!
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you twokids to get together.
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy fromyour old job called again.
Chandler: Again?
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, heanswers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on thefifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lotless satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well,that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I needsomething that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about....(Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentionedearlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This isnot a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop sayingnumbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy!(Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showingPhoebe around.]
Chandler: Well?
Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger thanthe cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of NewYork City)
Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautifulview of...
Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!
Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of theview. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.
Phoebe: (sitting) OK.
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom)Helen, could you come in here for a moment?
(An unamused woman walks into the office.)
Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.
(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)
Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone.Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]
Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens)Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)
Rachel: Who was that?
Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.
Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks awaytowards the door)
Monica: Ten dollars an hour.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.
Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walkaround.
Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, Iwas there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing toyou... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.
Rachel: Done.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel iswaitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duckwinner Jon Lovitz).]
Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take yourcoat?
Monica: Hi Steve!
Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.
Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.
Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.
Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells sodelicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a deliciouscombination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.
Steve: It's a lovely apartment.
Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?
Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow thembut Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)
Rachel: What's up?
Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazedup a doobie.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp?Ganja?
Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.
Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks hislips)
Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!
Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course.(Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli,and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)...with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These arefantastic!
Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!
Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!
Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But inabout eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost allmeaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)
Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?
Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell herSteve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she'sgiving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply thistime. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)
Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachelmotions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a littlecorn envelope.
Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You knowthat? You don't want to spoil your appetite.
Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs thecereal box)
Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a halfminutes...
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)
Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry.(When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from thecabinet.)
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at thetable, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK...give me the Gummi-bears.
Steve: (childishly) No.
Monica: Give them to me.
Steve: Alright, we'll share.
Monica: No, give me the...
Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for thepackage, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punchbowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he throws someSugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself!(Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm drowning! Help!"
Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!
Steve: What?
Monica: What?
Steve: Why?
Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for anopportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for astupid onion tartlet?
(The oven goes off.)
Steve: (excited) Hey!
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]
Joey: What a tool!
Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, youknow... it.
Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.
Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn'tfaking.
(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joeyfollows him.)
Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?
Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.
Joey: All right, Ross!
Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was themost elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters,plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.
Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?
Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finishedwith all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind ofexhausted, so uh...
Joey: You cuddled.
Ross: Yeah, which was nice.
Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie orsomething?
Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?
Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?
[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone,agitated.]
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'mlooking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really,really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because Icare about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back andrealizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on thetable, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.]
Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)
Steve: Eeeee!
Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)
Steve: Aaaaah!
Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt?(presses down elsewhere)
Steve: No.
Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on hisback, he yells in pain)
Steve: Aaaaahhh!!
Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over withher elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)
End
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