[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said'We should do this again!' All: Ohh. Ouch. Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good,right? Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again'means 'You will never see me naked'. Rachel: Since when? Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like'It's not you' means 'It is you'. Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna bedating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see otherpeople' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. Rachel: And everybody knows this? Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parentsput your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parentsactually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. Monica: Uh, Ross. Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut?The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, andrabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joeyrehearse for a part.] Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about todie?" Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over.But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man todie." Chandler: Hey, that was really good! Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone,huh?" Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in mycell, I can smoke." Chandler: "Smoke away."
(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and alighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights acigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.) Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in hiscell alone. Joey: What? Chandler: Relax your hand!
(Joey lets his wrist go limp.) Chandler: Not so much! Joey: Whoah!
Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(Joey tries and visibly winces.) Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get thispart, or not? Here.
(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.) Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as thething that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feelright. You feel complete. Joey: Y'miss it? Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes apuff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)
[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe andRachel is there.] Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distancefrom the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(The guys stretch out their fingers.) Joey: That's ridiculous! Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me,don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffeeblack.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they orderedas Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.) Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's mybank. Monica: What did they do to you? Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through mymail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- Ross: Easy. Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in myaccount. Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and dealwith them. Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, itwould be like stealing. Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair ofshoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine.Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine,not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... Monica: We're with you. We got it.
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out ofsight.) Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. Itwould be like this giant karmic debt. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventuallyhe has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.) All: Oh! Oh, God! Ross: What is this?! Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, forthree years! Chandler: And this- is my reward! Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what youwent through the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! All: Ohhh! Put it out! Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.(He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.) Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'? Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we'rehaving fun. Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. All: Oh, come on! Come on! Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve!Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet.Just give me a chance to figure that out. Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.] Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, Ibring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they'relike- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fairshare of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean,they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy homethat they actually liked. Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are alittle slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking outon the balcony, Phoebe is absent.] Joey: Let it go, Ross. Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. Monica: Do you all promise? All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to begood?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. Itstarts to rain and he taps on the window.) Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddyhas to stay outside!
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and usesit as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, andbegins to read a letter without saying hi.) Ross: Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention toour error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorryfor the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -footballphone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousanddollars, and a football phone! Rachel: What bank is this?
(The intercom buzzes.) Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it? Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan. Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.) Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Justremember how much you all like me.
(She opens the door and Alan enters.) Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. Alan: Hi. All: Hi, Alan. Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.] Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alanexits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna takethe first shot, hmm?
(Silence.) Monica: C'mon! Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept pickingat- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'mgoing out with? All: Yeah! Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb andindex finger.) The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah. Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kindacrooked. Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! Ross: ...What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Whohad a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
(Dubious pause.) Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick againstwhich all future boyfriends will be measured. Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think thiscould be, y'know, it. Monica: Really! Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhofimpression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does theimpression) Ross: You know what I like most about him, though? All: What? Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. All: Yeah...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel,Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.] Monica: Hi.. how was the game? Ross: Well.. All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? Joey: Alan. Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that BugsBunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead ofBugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into ateam. Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thingor two about softball.. Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think thatAlan is maybe.. sometimes.. Ross: What? Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be tooAlan. Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-thatwe adore. Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person(Lizzie) she knows.] Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know,"sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searchesin her purse.) Lizzie: Saltines? Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and afootball phone? Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.)Oh my God, there's really money in here. Phoebe: I know. Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. Lizzie: Please, let me do something. Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we'reeven. Okay? Lizzie: Okay. Phoebe: Okay.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around,opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some airfreshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while,opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. Whilenot paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes asquirt of air freshener and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dogvendor.] Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wannapretzel? Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.
(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)
Phoebe: Huh!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone abouther discovery.] Ross: A thumb?!
(Phoebe nods.) All: Eww! Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, justfloating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect allfive? Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? All: Nooo!
(Chandler lights a cigarette.) All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constantknuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing everysingle word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hellis that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
(An awkward silence ensues.) Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it likewhen Phoebe chews her hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.) Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it'sendearing. Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?
(Monica laughs and snorts.) Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speakingcorrectly. Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really getback to work. Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what theyactually ordered. Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the glovescome on.
(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happilystarts to smoke, undisturbed.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.] Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends allreally like?
Paula: No. Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends allreally like. Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? Allright, a cow got through! Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feelthe thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing.Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worriedabout.
[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecutingChandler about his smoking.] Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing toyourself? Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and yourcancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smokingis cool, and you know it. Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It'sAlan, he wants to speak to you. Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy,what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now andthen. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know,no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He handsthe phone back and stubs out his cigarette.) Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good. Ross: If only he were a woman. Rachel: Yeah.
(They give each other a dubious look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monicaand Joey is watching Lambchop.] Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sockon my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotinepatch. (Does so.) Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Doyou think that was wrong? Rachel: I think he's across the hall. Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) Therey'go. Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of thatPop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Ross: Hey, I might! Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave meseven thousand dollars for the thumb. All: You're kidding. Oh my God. Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What isup with the universe?! Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of theshower) What's going on? Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all heretogether. Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear theirunderwear.. Rachel: Uh, Joey.. Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.) Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay.. All: Oh! That was Lambchop! Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'mnot. Monica: Alright, we have to talk. Phoebe: There it is! Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something thatyou should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I'vedecided to break up with Alan.
(They all gasp and clutch each other.) Ross: Is there somebody else? Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. Peoplechange. Rachel: We didn't change.. Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start toreally care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair) Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- Joey: Okay! Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fairto Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back.Y'know, the way they were. Monica: I'm sorry.. Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with theholidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans. All: Oh, yeah! Right! Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay? Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need alittle time. Monica: (dubious) I understand.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news toAlan.] Alan: Wow. Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry. Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am alittle relieved. Monica: Relieved? Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I justcan't stand your friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is moppingaround and eating ice cream.] Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rentedboats?.. That was fun. Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking. Monica: (entering) Hi. All: Mmm. Ross: So how'd it go? Monica: Oh, y'know.. Phoebe: Did he mention us? Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubiouslook) Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down andRoss strokes her forehead.) Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. All: No no no! Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over!I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'llgive you seven thousand dollars! Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.
End