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320 The One With The Dollhouse
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey arethere.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You're telling me this actress person is the onlywoman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?!
Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it's like to be you?
Monica: Wow, you're really crazy about her, huh?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we're on stage I get to-to kiss herand-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it's likesomebody's ripping out my heart!
Phoebe: Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All:Hey!
Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? 'Cause I thought death wassomething that's supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (toRoss) And I'm sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross: You get the dollhouse.
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had abarrel.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?! Really?!
Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do wasto play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never playedwith.
Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Sophie: Hey, Rach!
Chandler: Hey.
Sophie: Hey.
Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn't have to walk me all theway back up here.
Chandler: Oh, that's-that's okay, no problem. (He starts to look around heroffice.)
Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don't keep the women's lingeriehere in the office?
Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Chandler: That's the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel's boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! Youdon't work for me.
Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler)Joanna.
Joanna: Bing! That's a great name.
Chandler: Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.' So ah, I'm gonna go,nice, nice meeting you.
Joanna: Me too.
Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what's wrong with him?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice itanymore.
Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
Rachel: No!! No! He's not married, or involved, with anyone!
Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
Rachel: Well, I'll ask him for you, if you want me too?
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know somethingthat Sophie would do?
Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna: I know that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse.It's a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]
Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little faded, that's okay. Carpet's alittle loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hello.
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful.
Monica: I know!!!
Phoebe: So, I'm here, ready to play.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (Sheremoves this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places itnext to the house.)
Monica: What's this?
Phoebe: That's a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactivewaste.
Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe: No, no, that's the ghost for the attic.
Monica: I don't want a ghost.
Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one, because the house issitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancientIndian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
All:Hello.
Rachel: I need to talk to you!
Ross: Sure, what's up?
Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questionsabout you...
Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin' outthe Chan-Chan man!
Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are youinterested at all?
Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she's gonna love me.
Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into thehouse!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to barklike a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that's it, that's it, all right? Nodinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They're not the right size, they'renot Victorian, and they just don't go.
Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we're notwelcome in the house of no imagination.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject. I just have to saydinosaurs, they-they don't go, rrroof!
Phoebe: The little ones do.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse theplay.]
Joey: Hey, Kate!
Kate: Morning.
Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about lastweek...
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goesover to him)
Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. Itwas good, yeah...
Woman: Hi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren: I know! I-I'm a big fan of yours.
Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!
Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remorayon Days of Our Lives.
Joey: Get out of here, really?!
Lauren: Absolutely!
Joey: Yeah?
Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you're so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing afterrehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, adrink sounds great.
Lauren: Cool! I-I'll see you then.
Joey: All right.
The Director: All right, it's time to act, my talking props. (BothJoey and Kate just look at each other.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse,that she made herself.]
Phoebe: Hey!
All:Hey!
Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
Rachel: Wow!!
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealingthe interior.)
Ross: Hey, what's this?!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, it's the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides adoll down the slide)
Monica: It's very interesting, Phoebe.
Rachel: What's this?
Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests comeover, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights someincense)
Rachel: All right!
Ross: I would!
Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around thehouse.)
Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father's house does that!
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there's nothing like acool, crisp New York evening.
Rachel: Hmm.
Chandler: Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna's such a big,dull dud!
[Scene: Rachel's office, Joanna's telling Rachel, her side of thestory.]
Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!
Rachel: What?!
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how people just click? Like he came byto pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tellyou?
Rachel: Oh, I....
Joanna: Oh, and he's got such a good heart! Doesn't he have a good heart?
Rachel: Oh, I know...
Joanna: Oh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, soput him straight through.
Sophie: Isn't this great?!
Joanna: Don't spoil it.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
[A phone rings.]
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It's you. Just ah,just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When Icontinue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in thetheatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Joey: (to Kate) That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for thatsweater you're dating.
Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath hersweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I'mgoing out with?
Kate: I don't care. Why, do you want me to care?
Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?
Kate: Do you?
Joey: What?
The Director: (returning) Okay, I'm afraid to say this, but let'spick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
Kate: I've got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors!This is a terrible play! I'll see you in the morning. (exits)
Kate: I can't believe we go on in, in a week.
Joey: Hey, it's gonna be all right.
Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off early, do you want to go andpaint mugs?
Joey: What?
Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?
Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. Butah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
Lauren: Oh, okay.
Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
Lauren: I'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
Joey: Okay.
Lauren: G'night. (exits)
Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrian's looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can't justkiss her, he's gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs aroundhis waist.
Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and hisstomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress,and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with thisraw, animal....
[cut to Joey's bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under thecovers.]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
Joey: Yeah.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast asJoey enters, very happily.]
Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
Ross: Hi.
Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on theneck.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hey.
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives hima big hug.)
Ross: It's a little early to be drinkin'.
Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
Ross: Ohhhhh!
Monica: You're kidding?! That's great!
Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
Monica: Oh my.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing inand breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her eyeskeep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda likehe's been processed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I'm telling ya, Joanna's got it all wrong. Okay?All I said was, 'This was fun. Let's do it again sometime. I'll give you acall.'
Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?
Chandler: That's what you say at the end of a date.
Rachel: You can't just say, 'Nice to meet you, good night?'
Chandler: To her face? Look it's the end of the date, I'm standing there, I knowall she's waiting for is for me to say 'I'll call her' and it's just y'know,comes out. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.
Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't mean he'sgoing to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you?
Rachel: Well, they always called.
Monica: Hmm, bite me.
[Scene: Rachel's office.]
Joanna: (entering) Did he call?
Rachel: No. Sorry.
Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called?
Sophie: Maybe he's intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.
Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn't he called,Rachel? Why?
Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because youare my boss.
Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?
Rachel: Well...
Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn't tellhim not to call me, did you?
Rachel: No. I...
Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone youwork for, there are always ways to fix...that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachelapproaches.]
Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!
Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.
Rachel: Why hasn't he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don't understand. Why? He saidhe'll call. Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has flipped out, she's gonecrazy!
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.
Rachel: Come on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault that you haven'tcalled her. You have to call her!
Chandler: Look, you can't call somebody after this long just to say, 'In case youdidn't notice, I don't like you!'
Rachel: Well then you're going to have to take her out again.
Chandler: Nooo!! She's really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing inthe corner of her eye!
Rachel: I don't care! I don't care! You are going to have to take her out againand end it, and end it in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I don'tcare how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!
Chandler: All right! Fine! But it's just a lunch date, no more than an hour! Andfrom now on I get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up with anybodyever again!
Rachel: That's fine!
Chandler: That's just a lot of big talk, y'know.
Rachel: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Mon?
Monica: (from the bathroom) I'm in the shower!
[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. Hestarts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe's dollhouse smoking.He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
Ross: Oh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!!
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn't work. He runs overto the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is inthe shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill theglass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on thefire, it doesn't work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing itover to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the showerto put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top ofher lungs.]
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]
Joey: Hey.
Kate: Hi.
Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Didyou ah, did you talk to Marshall?
Kate: About what?
Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.
Kate: Nooo. And there's really no reason he should find out, so ah let's notmake a big deal about it, okay?
Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on youcan't tell me last night didn't mean something to you. I-I was there, you'renot that good an actress.
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That's all itwas. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel bad, but haven't you ever sleep with a womenwhere it meant more to her than it did to you?
Joey: Nooo.
Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!
Kate: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hi, pig!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damageto the dollhouse.]
Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
Monica: Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There's....been afire.
Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! Whathappened?!
Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points tothe point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Monica: Well, the giraffe's okay. And so is the pirate.
Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves toremove it.)
Ross: No Phoebe, don't look! You don't want to see what's under there!!
Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-theFoster puppets!
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Fosterpuppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
[Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from theirlunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is alreadythere.]
Chandler: It's not a big deal. It's, just it's right here, (points to his eye)and it's all the time.
Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.
Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this waspleasant.
(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)
Joanna: It was, wasn't it?
Chandler: The food there was, was great.
Joanna: Wasn't it?
Chandler: So take care.
Joanna: You too.
Chandler: Well, this was great. I'll give you a call. We should do it againsometime. (Rachel is disappointed)
Joanna: Great! I'm looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?
Rachel: Sophie's desk.
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him inthe hallway.)
Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!
Chandler: Noo!
Rachel: Chandler!!
Chandler: Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm weak, and pathetic, and sorry.
Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you're going to tell her now. (Shegrabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
Chandler: Ahhhh -- I'm not going to call you.
Joanna: What?
Chandler: I'm sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that I said I was going to when I'm not.Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn't Rachel's fault.It's me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issueswith commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I'm really sorry, it'sjust that this is not, this isn't going to work out.
Joanna: Well, this isn't how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess Ihave to appreciate your honesty.
Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.
Joanna: So...
Chandler: Well this is great! I'll give you a call! We should do it againsometime!
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.]
Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm saying is I should'veconsidered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I've ah, I'verecently learned what's it like to be on your side of it, and I'm sorry. So, doyou think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits downand crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer?(listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she's not homehuh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
End
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