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212/213 The OneAfter the Superbowl [Scene: In a TV commercial thatthe gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile ofpapers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in yourmouth...
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and issuddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShineBeer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
ROSS: That commercial always makesme so sad.
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy openshis beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
ROSS: I meant because the monkey init reminds me of Marcel.
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause theyboth have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they'reboth monkeys.
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I didthe right thing, ya know, giving him away.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, Imean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi thatwill no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'dborrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisinsin it.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when hedid it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden Ihave this big attitude problem.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at thecouch.]
[Joey enters holding a letter]
JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guesswhat I got.
CHANDLER: Rhythm?
JOEY: No, my first fan mail.
ALL: Alright!
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore,know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Yournot-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 ofmy eyelashes.'
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world,that means you're married.
MONICA: This wasn't addressed toDays of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp onit, this woman was in our building.
JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very ownstalker.
[Ross enters with a suitcase]
ROSS: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to,Travelin' Jake?
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh,paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to thezoo and surprise Marcel.
CHANDLER: You know I think he willbe surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capableof that emotion.
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cuteguy is here again.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone,pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. Soeveryone just laugh, now.
[Everyone laughs]
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob]Hello.
ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.
ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, reallygreat.
PHOEBE: Oh, wow.
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the cityand I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs forkids?
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to havekids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write forthem.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing aroundin the kitchen.]
JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do fordinner?
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay inand cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
[door buzzer goes off]
CHANDLER: Hello.
ERICA: It's Erica.
JOEY: Ah, the stalker.
ERICA: Never mind, it's open.
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan]Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backupplan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
JOEY: Let's get out of here.
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
CHANDLER: The one time they're nothome.
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and whenwe pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio starsescape stalkers.
JOEY: She's comin'.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
ERICA: It's me.
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is howwe're gonna die. Ready?
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opensthe top of the dish soap he's holding]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smileand Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
ERICA: Hi.
JOEY: Erica.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem tofind the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the nameMarcel.
LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?
LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a littlebetter but then he died.
ROSS: I can't believe this.
LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimesmonkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
ROSS: Well, ya know, someone shouldhave called me.
LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just agesture.
ROSS: Zoo dollars?
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's alot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler,Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
KIDS: Ooohhh.
PHOEBE: I know.
MONICA: I can't believe Joey'shaving lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
CHANDLER: Well, you remember CathyBates in Misery?
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exactopposite of that.
RACHEL: And she's not crazy?
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a totalwack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's goingout with her? He can not persue this.
CHANDLER: Hey, just because thiswoman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her livingroom doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness,does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one whowants to boff the maniac.
ROB: You OK?
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'mnervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in theirunderwear.
ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm usedto playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee anddo their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a hugeresponsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.
PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK,alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
ALL: Hi Phoebe.
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um,some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]
ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?
ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you werereattaching someone's spinal cord.
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one.In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed itfor 2 minites.
ERICA: Who's they?
JOEY: No one.
ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands,these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch wouldfall off. [laughs hysterically]
ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands.Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
JOEY: Alright, just one. [she lickshis hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he'schoking. Is anyone here a doctor?
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor issweeping.]
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't reallyenjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.
[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]
ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm aneurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright,look, I got to tell you something.
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have toexplain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
JOEY: But that's what...
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off witha kiss]
ERICA: Hey what?
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like atthe end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]
PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be timeswhen you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
MONICA: Excellent!
CHANDLER: Very informative!
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!
PHOEBE: Thank you for comingeverybody. There're cookies in the back.
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.
PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kidsthe truth.You were incredible.
PHOEBE: But.
ROB: How did you know there was a but?
PHOEBE: I sense these things. It waseither but or butter.
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' thatyou'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
PHOEBE: I can do that.
ROB: Really?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like awinged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?
JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job.Your monkey was taken.
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told methat my monkey was dead.
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
ROSS: That, that's the only thingthe zoo's ever told me.
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the badpublicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up thisthing goes?
ROSS: That guy Lipson?
JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.
JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees,upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those littlepretend streets they have here at the zoo.
ROSS: Of course.
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's allI know.
ROSS: This is unbelievable.
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
ROSS: Are you trying to get me tobribe you?
JANITOR: Maybe.
ROSS: But you already told meeverything.
[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]
ROSS: Check it out, he actually isthe MonkeyShine monkey.
RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonnado?
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna callthe beer company and try to find out where he is.
CHANDLER: That's what I did when Ilost my Clydesdales.
PHOEBE: OK, hi again.
ALL: Hi Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start withsome songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys arewatching Days of Our Lives.]
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one whocan save her Drake.
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
ROSS: Well, there goes my wholebelief system.
[knock at the door]
ERICA: It's Erica.
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off theTV.
RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna seewhat happens.
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of thecoma and then we make out.
RACHEL: Well how can that be, youwere just kissing Sabrina?
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world whereJoey is a neuro-surgeon.
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
JOEY: Right, they uh, they chopperedme in. What's up?
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
JOEY: Who?
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor'slounge.
JOEY: It's not what you think, thatwas...
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
JOEY: Alright look, that's it. Idon't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I shouldhave told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not evena doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
JOEY: Somebody wanna help me outhere?
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turnson the TV. Joey in on it.]
ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.
JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.
ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?
JOEY: I'm not Drake.
ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake,he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
ERICA: Is this true?
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And Iknow this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me.[throws water in his face]
MONICA: And then he told me he wouldrun away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: And you left the toiletseat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
ERICA: Is all this true?
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Youdeserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he'sthe one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]
ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, goodluck in Salem. Take care
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
JOEY: OK, alright, the people whothrew the water.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
PHOEBE: Fired! Why?
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some ofthe stuff in your songs.
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did youtell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
ROB: No.
PHOEBE: I see.
ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do youwant me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
PHOEBE: Who's Barney.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marceland get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filmingOutbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
RACHEL: You're kidding.
JOEY: This is amazing.
ROSS: I know.
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV andthe monkey's makin' movies.
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
RACHEL: OK.
[little kid enters]
KID: Excuse me. Is this where thesinging lady is that tells the truth?
PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.
KID: [shouting out the door] She'shere.
[a rush of kids enter]
PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men lovewomen,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven'tseen my monkey in almost a year.
CHANDLER: What, you never look downin the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in themonkey-is-penis genre?
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon,c'mon.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where canwe find the monkey?
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don'tunderstand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
MONICA: Ross, there he is.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel.Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mightyjungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urgehim on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looksover and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over andhops up on Ross's shoulder]
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we'refriends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, lookwho I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephantdoll and throws it to the ground]
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed sohappy to see me yesterday.
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know,starring in a movie and all.
RACHEL: Now just how big of a staris Marcel?
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
ALL: Woah.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellowisolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just reallyparanoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready forthe subway set?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is thedirector, which one's he?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walkingwith you?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin'over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, forthe love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
SUSIE: We've got a problem.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has amoustasche.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someoneconvinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making outwith Gabe Kaplan.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.
SUSIE: I hate actors.
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues]Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
SUSIE: Excuse me.
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Do you know me or are youjust really good at this game?
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box ofanimal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah,wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all thelittle mirrors on it.
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, Igraduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entireauditorium saw my underpants.
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, usedhumor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh myGod.
RACHEL: What what what what?
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. Ididn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
RACHEL: Ya think?
MONICA: The muscles from Brussels,wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
MONICA: Rachel, he like, totallychanged time.
RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you gotalk to him?
MONICA: Oh, yeah.
RACHEL: What, so you go over there,you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
MONICA: He could hear me.
RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't youdare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.
VAN DAMME: Hi.
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna soundkinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, shethinks you're cute.
VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do youthink you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I wassupposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what shouldI tell her?
VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
[back to Chandler and Susie]
CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was thekid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he wasdoing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the armbefore you ask me on a date.
CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try onemore. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'llget to see your underwear.
CHANDLER: No one was around to hearthat?
[back to Rachel and Monica]
MONICA: So what'd he say?
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kepttalking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, Isaid no.
MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.
RACHEL: He just kept asking, andasking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
MONICA: Rachel if you, if you wantto go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what youwant to do...
RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes,I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took meto that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, shehas got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso.Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking ityourself.
RACHEL: That is so unfair.
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you woulddrink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
[Ross enters]
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancelracketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have himfor a couple of hours.
JOEY: You're blowin' me off for amonkey?
ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule forSaturday.
JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up witha bunch of pigeons.
[Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, Iam done.
PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cookinga steak.
PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
CHANDLER: Well then, how do you knowwhen vegetables are done?
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist,you eat them and you can tell.
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'mdone.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfectwoman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenlyshe turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
MONICA: What did you say?
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exactwords were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do youknow if you wanna do it on an elevator?
PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out onthe couch.]
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no nono no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutestops.
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually,but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore minetonight, at dinner.
CHANDLER: You want me to wear yourpanties?
SUSIE: Could ya?
CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearingyour underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joeyis there.]
ROSS: OK, got the music, got thedinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
JOEY: Oooh.
ROSS: With mealworms.
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles.What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
[phone rings]
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on yourway ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it,it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK.OK, OK, bye.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with eachother. Phoebe is mediating.]
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't youstart talking first.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this istotally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave methe green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TVset?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there issomething that you would like to share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right togo out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk.[flicks Monica on the forehead]
MONICA: Did you just flick me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't letme finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me first.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leadsto wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happythoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick someass.
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.
PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let goif you both stop.
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want meto stop seeing him, is that what you want?
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: You want me to just call himup and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
MONICA: OK.
RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: Fine,
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what,if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and theDirector's Assistant are there.]
ROSS: Thanks for letting me tagalong tonight you guys.
JOEY: Forget about it.
SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and alittle out.
JOEY: So, assistant to the director.That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of coolresponsibilities.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth andlicking you all over?
CHANDLER: Because I went to an allboys high school and God is making up for it.
SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here.Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under thetable] They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroomnow. [leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
SUSIE: C'mon.
CHANDLER: I can't believe we'redoing this.
SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we seeChandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
CHANDLER: What?
SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
CHANDLER: Oh.
SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take yourclothes off.
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope yourealize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.
CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this donequick, or do you want this done right?
SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
CHANDLER: OK.
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up hisclothes.]
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh,clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister,that's what I mean.
CHANDLER: What, what's what youmean?
SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was18.
CHANDLER: That was in the fourthgrade. How could you still be upset about that?
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're stillupset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
CHANDLER: Alright, I hope yourealize you're not getting these underpants back.
[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]
MONICA: I can't believe this, justlike 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date withJean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up thatguy?
VAN DAMME: Sure.
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, Igotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.
MONICA: Well, what made you make theexception for me?
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with meand uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting aboutwhat Rachel told Van Damme.]
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]
MONICA: Say it.
RACHEL: No. [hitting again]
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorryor your sweater gets it.
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favoritesweater, that is my third date sweater.
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK,let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
MONICA: What're you gonna do?
RACHEL: You give me back my sweateror it's handbag marinara.
MONICA: You don't have the guts.
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least Iwasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce inMonica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOPTHE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started inthe first place?
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still,I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
MONICA: I'll help you fix yoursweater.
RACHEL: I'll help you throw out yourpurse.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I made youstop seeing him.
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went outwith him when I knew you liked him.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowedyour gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall,Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]
CHANDLER: Joey?
JOEY: Ma?
CHANDLER: Joey!
JOEY: Chandler? What're you stilldoin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took offwith my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'mwearin panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wearpanties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the firsttime.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck,I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out,Susie asked me to wear them.
JOEY: Well, let me see.
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you oranybody else see, ever.
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs upin the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over atoilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs upin the other adjoining stall]
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have tosee.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you giveme your underpants.
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm notwearing any.
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearingany underwear?
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from theguy in the hot pink thong.
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'llgive you 50 dollars for your underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
ALL: Hi.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holdingthe stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have themilk after you?
PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it,keep your panties on.
[Joey enters]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in themovie.
ROSS: What happened?
JOEY: One of the virus victimscalled in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. OhRoss, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and saygoodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean,he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he'smoved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window]Oh my God.
ROSS: What?
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequenceof Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [toMonica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]
VAN DAMME: Goodbye.
MONICA: Well, bye for me too.[kisses him]
RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again.[kisses him again]
MONICA: OK.
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no nono.
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.
RACHEL: Impressive.
MONICA: But no. Maybe if I werebaking.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.
[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the bigscreen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want towrite a song about all this.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of thestrings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin'to say that?
PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSINGCREDITS
[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Dammeis looking over him.]
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
DIRECTOR: Cut.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead. END |
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