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206 The One Withthe Baby on the Bus [Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.]
MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? Youthe Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he stillcrying?
ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec.There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.
MONICA: Maye it's me.
ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you.He's just being Mr. Crankypants.
CHANDLER: You know, I once dated aMiss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.
ROSS: There we go. All better.(gives Ben back to Monica)
MONICA: There's my little boy. (Benstarts crying again)
CHANDLER: Can I uh see something?(Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Benaway, he stops crying.)
JOEY: Cool.
MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hatesme.
ROSS: Come on, don't do this.
MONICA: What if my own baby hatesme? Huh? What am I gonna do then?
CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop?This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have todeal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, shedoes not look fat.
(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from,Monica)
JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!
MONICA: That is so funny. Let me seethat. (throws the ball out the window)
JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?
ROSS: I don't know. What's in thispie?
MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter,eggs, flour, lime, kiwi--
ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was akey lime pie.
MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwilime. That's what makes it so special.
ROSS: And that's what's gonna killme. I'm allergic to kiwi.
MONICA: No you're not. You're,you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.
ROSS: Ugh.
MONICA: Oh my god.
ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely gettingworse.
MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?
ROSS: Either that or my mouth isgetting smaller.
MONICA: All right, get your coat,we're going to the hospital.
JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?
MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get ashot.
ROSS: You know, you know, actuallyit's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?
MONICA: Jacket now.
ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bringa baby to a hospital.
CHANDLER: We'll watch him.
ROSS: I don't think tho.
JOEY: What? I have seven Catholicsisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don'twe?
CHANDLER: I was looking forward toplaying basketball, but I guess that's out the window.
ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take himout for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in thefridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.
JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.
ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up athro thro--a thro thro!
JOEY: Consider it done.
CHANDLER: You understood that?
JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has areally big tongue.
CHANDLER: Is he the one with thebeautiful wife?
(Central Perk)
PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the newsong I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in theshower.
RACHEL: Ok.
PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the showerand I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and myhair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, couldI see ya for a minute?
RACHEL: What's up?
TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay aprofessional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name isStephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.
RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?
TERRY: Rachel, it's not that yourfriend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my fingerthrough my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan,but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.
TERRY: Uh--
RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no nono. I have to do this to her?
PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse,repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.
(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)
CHANDLER: You know, I don't think webrought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's aknown fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies.It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes overthere. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we gotone, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.
CHANDLER: No, I got him.
JOEY: No, seriously.
CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you wanthim?
CAROLINE: Hello.
BOYS: Hello.
CAROLINE: And who is this littlecutie pie?
CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't thinkme immodest, but, me?
JOEY: You wanna smell him?
CAROLINE: I assume we're talkingabout the baby now.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that greatbaby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
CAROLINE: I think my uterus justskipped a beat.
JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tellyou? What'd I tell you?
CAROLINE: I think it's great youguys are doing this.
CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.
CAROLINE: You know, my brother andhis boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did youtwo go through?
(Central Perk)
PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig.This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, youcan't just erase chalk.
RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry.
PHOEBE: And he's going to be payingthis woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and likea, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.
RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That'swhy we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that camefrom.
PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably dideverything you could.
RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme,let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you justlet her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even behere. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.
TERRY: I, I don't know.
RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll evenclean the cappuccino machine.
TERRY: You don't clean thecappuccino machine?
RACHEL: Of course I clean it. Imean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.
TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine,fine.
RACHEL: Done.
PHOEBE: Really?
RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for youbabe?
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is soexciting. How much am I gonna get?
RACHEL: What?
PHOEBE: Well you said that he'spaying the people who are playing.
RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant thathe's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.
PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be theonly one who's not getting paid.
RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no.No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there arethousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear meplay. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't needyour charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la lala la la....
ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonnaget a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, youknow, like a thquirt gun.
DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr.Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.
MONICA: Doctor, can I see you forjust a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.
ROSS: Did you tell him about mythquirt gun idea?
MONICA: My brother, the PhD would liketo know if there's any way to treat this orally.
DOCTOR: No, under thesecircumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.
ROSS: Tho?
(Monica shakes her head.)
ROSS: Ohhh.
MONICA: That's good, have a seat.Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave,ok? Can you do that for me?
ROSS: Ok.
MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' sogood. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!
CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe.Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out.Taxi, taxi!
JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent.
CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Justpracticing. You're good. Carry on.
GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's justadorable.
CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell himthat, because he thinks he's too pink.
GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guysout doing today?
JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no.We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our otherheterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.
CHANDLER: You done?
JOEY: Yeah.
GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.
JOEY: Get outta here. This is ourstop too.
GIRL 2: You guys live around heretoo?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We livein the building by the uh sidewalk.
CHANDLER: You know it?
JOEY: Hey, look, since we'reneighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?
GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go toMarquel's?
CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love usover there.
GIRL 2: Where's your baby?
CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running afterbus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybehe'll hear you and pull the cord.
BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait!Wait!
MONICA: Are you sure he didn't breakit because it really hurts.
DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bonebruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.
ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm reallysorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later.Celebrate.
PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the doubledouble double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?
STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.
PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there,but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords doyou know?
STEPHANIE: All of them.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to gofrom D to A minor?
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitarhave a strap?
STEPHANIE: No.
PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing)Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)
CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on,pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research fora book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a citybus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.
JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost acarseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto astroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.
RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give auh nice warm Central Perk welcome to--
PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's ajerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!
RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like tostart with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing)Zachary.
PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You'reall invited to bite me!
CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're theguys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is hehere?
TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here.(Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is thefather.
CHANDLER: That's me.
JOEY: I'm him.
CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're boththe father. (Puts his arm around Joey)
BOTH (but to different babies): Oh,Ben! Hey, buddy!
CHANDLER: Please tell me you knowwhich one is our baby.
JOEY: Well, well that one has duckson his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
CHANDLER: Ok.
JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. Thatone's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.
CHANDLER: Yeah?
JOEY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok,the mole came off.
JOEY: Ahh!
CHANDLER: What're we gonna do?What're we gonna do?
JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducksor clowns.
CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip forthe baby?
JOEY: You got a better idea?
CHANDLER: All right, call it in theair.
JOEY: Heads.
CHANDLER: Heads it is.
JOEY: Yes! Whew!
CHANDLER: We have to assign heads tosomething.
JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks isheads, because ducks have heads.
CHANDLER: What kind of scary-assclowns came to your birthday?
(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)
RACHEL: Hey.
PHOEBE: Oh, hi.
RACHEL: Here. I thought you might becold.
PHOEBE: Thank you.
RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you didpretty well.
PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents.But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ballrolling, and to make myself feel better.
RACHEL: Do you?
PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-moneything is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang"Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "SmellyCat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really badfor Smelly Cat.
RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, Idon't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've everactually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!
PHOEBE: It's not even that. I usedto do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all aboutthe money.
RACHEL: Well, people missed you inthere. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".
PHOEBE: Really? From who?
RACHEL: Well, from me. And I knowit's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.
KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally dropa condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go.
KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, Igot it!
(chez Monica and Rachel)
ROSS: I just wanna thank you forbeing there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.
MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry Ipoisoned you.
ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time Ijammed that pencil into your hand?
MONICA: Remember it? What do youthink this is, a freckle?
ROSS: Oh.
MONICA: Wait, what about the time Ihit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?
ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when Istuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head onthe curb?
MONICA: No. But I remember peopletelling me about it.
ROSS: I hope Ben has a littlesister.
MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kickhis ass.
ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid.Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
MONICA: That was you?
ROSS: They, uh, were infected. Hewouldn't have made it.
MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Comehere, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's notcrying.
CHANDLER: (looking fearfully atJoey) Hey, he's not crying.
(Ben starts crying)
JOEY: Yes! There's still pie.
ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy?Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey andUncle Chandler today?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bustoday.
ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding thebus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on hisbutt?
CHANDLER: You, you are gonna lovethis.
ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec?Come here. Come here.
CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi.Run, Joey, Run!
STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat,smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's"smelly cat, smel-ly cat".
STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-lycat...
PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.
STEPHANIE: Yeah?
PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And youknow what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
STEPHANIE: Yeah.
PHOEBE: You wanna try it again?
STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top?
PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That'sthe beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?
STEPHANIE: Ok.
PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm.
TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.
PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry. END |
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