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Friends老友记剧集英文剧本第一季第十八集

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发表于 2015-1-23 10:08:14 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
118 The One With All The Poker

(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumeswhile whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.)
Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.
Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those arethe ones to work for.
Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK?I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sickof being called 'Excuse me...'
Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with yourexcellent compuper skills.
Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all ofthem?
Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting ata table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Monica: Hey, guys.
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (toMonica, quietly): Did you bring the mail?
Monica: Lots of responses.
Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have sconesleft! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.
Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for yourinquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter)
Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...
Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah...yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)
Phoebe: Wow!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!
Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Whywon't you go out with her again?
Ross: I don't know.
Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstonescould've really happened' thing?
Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just—I want someonewho... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding,who... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)
Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from WhatsHappening.
Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just...(Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!
Rachel: Hi! How are you?
Ross: We're fine, we're fine.
Rachel: OK. (walks away)
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandlersmacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: We're not—we're not saying anything.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.
Joey: Thank you.
Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...
Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like aneight, alright?
Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em andweep.'
Chandler: And then he did.
Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played pokerwith us?
Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing?Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
Ross: No, women are welcome to play.
Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know,like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women thatknow how to play poker.
Girls: Oh, yeah, right.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
Rachel: Really.
Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Girls: No.
Rachel: But you could teach us.
Guys: No.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching thegirls how to play poker.]
Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.
Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have astraight.
Rachel: Oh, good for you!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)
Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and thesix of clubs.
Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't—you can't do...
Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it toPhoebe)
Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.
Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them.I'm going for fours.
Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)
(Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)
Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes andassorted crudites.
Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This isa poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta belike chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)
Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, thedealer...
Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's playfor real. High stakes... big bucks...
Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away twojacks because they didn't look happy...
Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.
Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson.(holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused)Alright babe, deal the cards.
(Time lapse.)
Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.
Joey: About what?
Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
Joey: Heh... I was bluffing.
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another wordfor... lying?
Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumesto fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to leave)
Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, KingGeorge is giving us the land, so...
Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for thegame.
Rachel: Oh. Right.
Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, whydon't we just forget about the money, alright?
Monica: Hell no, we'll pay!
Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.
Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.
Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money.
Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas bytaking money from all of your friends.
Ross: (pause)...Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You haveto put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright?In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna playpoker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cardsare dealt... (claps hands three times)
Joey: (pause)...Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there.Ross enters with a pizza.]
Ross: Alright boys, let's eat.
Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel'pizzeria?
Ross: You still on that?
Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bartspeech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"
Ross: You are way off, pal.
Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think youlove her.
Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her atone time—not any more. I just—I...
(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)
Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?
(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)
Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK—if youpress that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcelstarts to dance.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, andPhoebe are there.]
Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross wasbeing?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.
Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.
Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?
Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing,a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.
Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got aninterview! I got an interview!
Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?
Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
Monica: Well, what's the job?
Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for aliving!
(Knock on door.)
Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has beenplaying poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says.(opens door) Hi!
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I don't think so.
Rachel: Why?
Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him withmy car.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Really?
Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks intokitchen) Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game ispure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.
Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it)
Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.
Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked ata meter. Let's do it.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel isseated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in thebackground.]
Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen toanything else?
Ross: Alright.
(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into thebedroom and slams the door.)
Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and nowthey're all recommending Trident?
Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutelyloved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste inclothes, and—oh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect.I can do this. I can do this well!
All: That's great! That's wonderful!
Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's playpoker.
Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, andif you don't want to play, we completely understand.
Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like,uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
(The guys all duck under the table.)
Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd liketo give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.
Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it ago.
Ross: Alright.
Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guysstare in amazement)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, andRachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. Youguys, we gotta play that at our regular game.
Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the money) ButI think you should know that this money is cursed.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to hewho spends it.
Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to meanyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.
Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine,who owes fifteen...
Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I havea penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over hermoney)
Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play youagain, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh,and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there readyfor another poker game.]
Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? Thatway, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing.
Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laughthere, monkey boy.
Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to playsome serious poker?
Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face)Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look ather) Right, OK, serious poker.
(Ross gets up from the table.)
Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?
Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.
Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wannaplay poker?
Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)
Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear fromthat job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.
Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to holdme over.
Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante.(deals cards)
Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her).... or no.
(Ross comes back from bathroom.)
Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)
(Time lapse.)
Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
Rachel: I'm in.
Monica: Me too.
Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.
Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... Igotta flush. (lays down cards)
Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got foursixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what?(collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) Ithink that one was Ross's, and I think—oh—that one was Ross's. Yes! (Startssinging): Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...
(Ross stands up.)
Rachel: And your fly's still open...
(Ross looks down.)
Rachel: Ha, I made you look....
(Time lapse.)
Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?
Phoebe: Monica, in or out?
Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!
(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towardsChandler, who hides it under the table.)
Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.
Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in thestomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused)Oh, I'm out.
Phoebe: Ross?
Ross: Oh, I am very in.
Phoebe: Chandler?
Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.
Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throwschips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd you have?
Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips)
Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for her cards,Rachel covers them up)
Rachel: No..!
Ross: Show them to me!
Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.
Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't stand to lose,can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on yourtemple...
Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
(Ross is visibly upset.)
Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...
Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)
Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...
Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.
Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.
Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) It'sabout the job.
(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)
Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens)No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah...oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea—Hello? Hello? (hangs upphone, very depressed)
(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't knowwhat to say.)
Monica: Sorry, Rach.
Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... fivecard draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.
Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.
Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)
Monica: Alright, check.
Joey: Check.
Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)
Chandler: Call.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... fivedollars. (throws it in)
Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.
Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise thebet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, whothinks about it.)
Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairsaway from the table.)
Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)
Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What isthis? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean,what, were you just full of it?
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks uphis cards.)
Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips)
Rachel: How many you want?
Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)
Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) Whatdo you bet?
Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throwsit in)
Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws itin)
(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)
Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get mypurse.
(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)
Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it.
Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.
(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)
Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.
Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw yourtwenty-five, and I raise you... seven.
Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)
(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)
Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy.
Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?
(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)
Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?
Ross: Fifteen.
Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)
Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: Good luck.
Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What doyou got?
(Long pause as they both look at each other.)
Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.
(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards ontable, face down.)
Ross: You got me.
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in thekitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)
Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's atough hand to beat.
Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!
Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don'thave the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is.(smiles)
(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back athim. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop themfrom looking.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionaryat Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys areguessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]
Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport'79!
(Timer goes off.)
Rachel: Oh, time's up.
Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye... bye... BIRDIE.
Joey: Oh!
Phoebe: That's a bird?
(Monica glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: That's a bird!
(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)
Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer)
Chandler: Go.
(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)
Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean!
(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the beanfrantically.)
Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!
Rachel: Yes!
Monica: That, you get? That, you get?
(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyoneducks as though she was about to throw it.)
End

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