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113 The One With the Boobies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in andstarts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towelwrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachelstartle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rugoff the couch.]
Rachel: That is IT! You just barge in here, you don't knock
Chandler: I'm sorry!
Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy!
Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.
Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!
Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
Rachel: What? What?!
Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still seeyour... nipular areas.
Rachel: Oh!!
(She storms off)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with herboyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]
Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about yourpatient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phonerings and she takes a shower.
Roger: That's pretty much it.
Phoebe: Oops!
Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.
Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.
Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.
Phoebe: Isn't he great?
Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.
Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. Andfor a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?
Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's alittle weird, y'know? Vinyl.
Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guyswant anything else?
Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)
Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
Chandler: Okay.
Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?
Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the streetwith a telescope and a box of donuts.
Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, theseare her breasts.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, theywere very nice boobies.
Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean,mittens are nice.
Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.
Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wannabe there when when the laughter stops.
Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you meanby that?
Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacyissues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at adistance.
Chandler: Huh.
Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you fromAdam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?
Roger: It's textbook.
(Joey enters with his dad)
Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?
All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?
Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figureI'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on theferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.
Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.
Roger: You too, sir.
Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Rosswhines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh,Chandler, quick, say something funny!
(Chandler stays stonefaced)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on thephone.]
Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it'sgetting real late now
Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made theappointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know thisisn't Ma?
(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is choppingmushrooms)
Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)
Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to takeyou to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
Joey: Since then?!
Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put anice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terribleguy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?
Joey: ...I d'know.
Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in asaucepan)
Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst partof it is, it's with two different women.
Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matterwith you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting toeveryone about hid dad's affair.]
Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out yourdad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for theC.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!
Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents?(She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest)Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Whycan't you stop staring at my breasts?
Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?
Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's onlyone way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonnahave to show her your peepee.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?
Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
(Door buzzer goes)
Monica: Hello?
Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.
Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.
Monica: C'mon up.
Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
Joey: What's the matter with Rog?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate thatguy.
Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what hedoes, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.
(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table.Ross is upset)
Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marryher if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian?
Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybemaybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...
Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that youwanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of afailure in the eyes of the parents.
Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for herfailures!
Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!
Phoebe: Isn't he good?
Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...
Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on myside. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'dkeep liking you better!
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just theWeebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship.Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonnacatch that movie, we gotta get going.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
Monica: You're welcome.
Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um,easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookiesat it)
Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are justleaving Monica and Rachel's.]
Joey: Night, you guys.
(They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)
Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, JoeyTribbiani.
Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so muchcuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip,y'know?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking toChandler. Joey's dad is not around.]
Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on,they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you getyour person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates)or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.
Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
Ronni: That's a good one!
(Joey's dad enters.)
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.
Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.
Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?
Ronni: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?
Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at myapartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him thehair)
Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better getgoing, I don't wanna miss the last train.
Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing.
Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?
Joey: Who-ah-ho.
Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.
Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.
Joey: No you won't.
Ronni: No we won't.
Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I wantyou right here where I can keep an eye on you.
Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?
Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old youare, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And thatmeans no sleeping with your girlfriend.
Ronni: Wow. He's strict.
Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stayin Chandler's room.
Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.
Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds soweird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."
Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Startingtomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough.
Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?
Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni
Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!
Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!
Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is
Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joeyare sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.]
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in myunderwear.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna.
Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm alwaysseeing girls on top of girls...
Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going outwith all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'dbe able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at mydad, thinking...
Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were allover you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
Joey: No.
Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actorbusiness. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe thatwhen the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say"No thanks, I'm married."
Joey: You really think so?
Chandler: Yeah. I really do.
Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
Chandler: Get off!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knockson the door and Monica gets it.]
Ronni: Hi.
Monica: Hi...May I help you?
Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since,uh, Chandler's in ours?
Monica: Okay...who are you?
Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?
Monica: Oh, c'mon in.
Ronni: Thanks.
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.
Ronni: Hi.
Rachel: Bathroom's up there.
Ronni: Great.
Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler'sbeen in the shower?
Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time.(She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is readingthe paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.
(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)
Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.
(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It'sJoey. They both scream)
Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!
Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!
Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What?
Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see yourthing!
Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebeenters.]
All: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: How's it going?
Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and hewanted me to invite you guys.
(Chandler laughs)
Phoebe: So what's going on?
Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.
Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...
Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...
Rachel: We hate that guy.
All: Yeah. Hate him.
Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though,it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?
All: ...No, we hate him.
Rachel: We're sorry.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is tryingto turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rearsup at him.]
Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?
Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries)and this. (Whacks him round the ear)
Joey: Oww! Big ring!
Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with allthat garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were!There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She givesthe sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)
Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father isno James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'msleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please!
Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?!
Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Alwaysyelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, notthat wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he'shappy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.
Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what thehell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'dbe no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you somethingelse. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed ofhimself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it'slike every day's our anniversary.
Joey: I'm...happy...for you?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. Ijust want it the way it was.
Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.
Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tellme. Did you see her?
Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?
Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.]
Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She liesdown and rests her head in his lap)
Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's myfriends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
Roger: Oh. They don't.
Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see.They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just thinkyou're a little...
Roger: What?
Phoebe: Intense and creepy.
Roger: Oh.
Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel thatway.
Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviourwhen you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind ofco-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house withyour stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, andyou're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyonein on the new developments.]
Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.
Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like shewanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, andmy little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got arestraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I foundout today.
Rachel: Wow.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.
Ross: So Joey, you okay?
Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certainpoint, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them maketheir own mistakes.
Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn intothem.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be analcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like mymom.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey, Pheebs.
Monica: How's it going?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
All: Awww.
Phoebe: Yeah, right.
All: Aaawwwwww!!
Rachel: What happened?
Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he canbe really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... Ihate that guy!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading thepaper and Joey enters.]
Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?
Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Nextstop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comesout, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey'sapartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
Monica: Hello, Joey.
(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut inhorror)
End
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