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112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross workingon crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandlerjoins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross startshumming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone inthe kitchen.]
Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if youhad told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses,listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe youcould scrape.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joeysitting in living room)
Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of anywoman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that!(snaps fingers)
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of theworld, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down ontable)
Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still onphone)
Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer.What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone,looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddiewith that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group in living room)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, yourbaby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger)This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross: (waves) Hello!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live withMommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with thatother lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's alesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looksannoyed)
Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's likePoc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)
Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touchesnose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room,imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in thekitchen)
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
Rachel: I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh?Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I amfeeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? Imean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am Isupposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) Icould call immigration!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls'apartment, carrying lasagna.]
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, andtheir little baby toes, and their little baby hands...
Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, tablefalls over)
Joey: Need a new table.
Chandler: You think?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the doorand Carol answers it to Ross.]
Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all thebooks, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eatmeat.
Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...
Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me,tell me, is everything, uhh....?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kissesCarol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's yourfriend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'mhaving enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throwin Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
Carol: Do you want to know?
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutelynot. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, andsay, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan: Oh, hello Ross!
Ross: Susan...
Susan: So, so, did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Rosssteps away) It really is...do we know...?
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho,hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?
Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross standsback, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was goingto be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don'twant to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa(kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, orDeb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol: Hello?
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know.(Carol and Susan laugh)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandleruse their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have tobuy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me atable!
Joey: How'd you get to that?
Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine untilyour little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in thebutter left little to the imagination.
Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Joey: Yeah
Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what ifone of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why, are you moving out?
Chandler: I'm not moving out.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommateKip...
Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and thenhe ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a betterroommate than me?
Chandler: Aw, don't do that
[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant istelling her about the changes to her schedule.]
Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceledher 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)
Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to soundunprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
(Paolo speaks Italian)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let'sget started.
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some peopleprefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. Imean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows,and Susan knows....
Monica: And Monica knows...
Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked,she told me.
Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey'sear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don'tknow!
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
Joey: Or an uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
Ross: Hi Pheebs!
Rachel: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!
Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.
Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)
Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...
Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
Chandler: More coffee over here, please!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything wasfine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his handsup Phoebe's legs.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh!
Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebedoing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.(Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looksup, bites lip, shakes her head)
Monica: Was it...?
Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
Guys: Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel: "Ooo," what?
Phoebe: Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross: The actress!
(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
Ross: Thanks Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's yourmoral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys?Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.
Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and lookingfor their new table.]
Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how aboutthat one? (points to a table)
Chandler: That's patio furniture!
Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think,"Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!
Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about thebirds?
Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sithere, eat something."
Chandler: You pick one.
Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insectssuggest fine dining!
Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!
Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have likedthe birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding andpacking clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up smallblue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's onhis way over.
Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each otherfor that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should knowabout me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I neverlie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebeopens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite ofcookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't thinkit's fair to the other cookies
Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the bestoatmeal cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Rachel: I guess you don't.
Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks stunned)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, andMonica admiring their new table.]
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler'snew foosball table.)
Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance theplates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let'splay!
Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey)Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering fromthe shock.]
Phoebe: Are you okay?
Rachel: I need some milk.
Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag andstarts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos)Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think aboutthe other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, hemakes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would havehappened!
Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'msorry!
Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe: Such a pig!
Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
Phoebe: ...like a...
Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did Inot see this?
Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It'sbecause... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...
Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Phoebe: The end.
Rachel: Oh, God...
Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better thatI know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is tellingeveryone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]
Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo'sover there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay.(switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores,high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)
Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, wekicked your butts.
Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on theOlympic standing-there team.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up withthe guy, it's time for you to swoop in!
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure thatwhen Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gottaknow that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You'rethere for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross!(Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they arelooking at, looks in the same direction)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel isthrowing Paolo's clothes over the side.]
Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Ross: (entering) How's it going?
Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing hisclothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving,(shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "Howcould you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!
Phoebe: Ooh!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.
Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel,(hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 untilthe cheese bubbles.
Paolo: Grazie.
Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speakfor everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)
Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel onthe balcony)
Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us shouldgo out there so she's not overwhelmed...
Monica: Oh, you're right.
Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it shouldbe me.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through thewindow.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: You all right?
Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...
Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve somuch better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy whoknows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at anotherguy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be nearanother guy. (Ross crosses arms)
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!
Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross areentering.]
Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe: You ok?
Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing offguys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is todevelop a more sophisticated screening process.
Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, youknow? I just got to figure out what I want
Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are goingto be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy isnot going to grow up to be one.
Ross: (astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?
Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, amI having a boy?
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugsRoss)
Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey: Wha-
Joey and Chandler: What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)
Ross: I'm having a son. Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killingChandle and Joey at foosball.]
Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start headingfor their rooms.)
Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!
Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
Chandler: Yeah, get out!
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Comeon, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pickher up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'mgone.
Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?
Joey: Oh yeah!
End
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