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109 The One Where Underdog Gets Away [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss,Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here verylong, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100advance in my salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family.See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for myticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which isactually why I took this job.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible,terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um,but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do.Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look atthat.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching acustomer.]
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I wasjust wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me anadvance on my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about thatspill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going toPuerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross: No, they're not.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: I am not wrong.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey: Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are youwearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially JoeyTribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look morelike Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those"healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crossesfingers)
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Joey: Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they dothis to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at myplace? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have...(Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home,right?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting allthe pilgrim holidays.
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?
Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebratingThanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.
Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it toVail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred andtwo dollars to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, andwill probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there.Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, notmine, but...Susan: Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and Ihave to get it back to the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just lookfor it.
Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure havea lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise,they don't let you do it.
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. Aclassic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn'tthat mean you're... crazy?
Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you reallytalk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there butRachel.]
Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that Ishould get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally heareverything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you putyour head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll heareverything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind thisexperiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing myfamily, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?
Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, gotyour traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilledcheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' forThanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgivingdinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie,and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgivingdinner once you've seen it in reverse.
[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous womanwaiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right?I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Girl: Get out.
Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz,when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey)Oh.
Joey: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Joey: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster inthe subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you neverknow who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayedall over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickersfrom the gang.]
Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Rachel: Saw what?
Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter canbe infectious.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire familythinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cookingThanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting toparticipate in the festivities.]
Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey'sturking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom inthe kitchen.
Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out ofmy way and stop moping.
Ross: That's closer.
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours fromnow, shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all thismerriment.
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it infront of Chandler's face.)
Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing,but that's not funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tatertots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition.You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and atot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be bothmashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his handaway.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needslumps!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could havethem whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Monica: Why would we do that?
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to makethem, you know, before she died.
Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (shestarts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdoghas just gotten away.
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course theballoon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, hebroke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to theroof, who's with me?
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over thecity. How often does that happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talkto her belly.]
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near herstomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one waythat seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know,can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do itjust because Susan does it.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming backfrom the roof.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dogshadow all over the park.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean,that was just mean.
Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy onthe outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got thekeys.
Monica: No I don't.
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got thekeys."
Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica: Well then get it, get it!
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Monica: (angry) Joey!
Joey: That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross istalking to her stomach.]
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major,you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have noidea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happyyou don't have gills anymore.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing toit if you want.
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street,get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh,did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always, uh--?
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't waitto meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to thezoo.
Susan: I felt it!
Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the onewithout any breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, andis trying each one in the lock.]
Joey: Nope, not that one.
Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. Youdo the math.
Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?
Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen,smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a planewatching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits)right now. But I'm not.
Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless Ihad the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.
Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one saykeys.
(Short pause.)
Monica: Why would I have the keys?
Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?
Monica: But I didn't.
Rachel: Well, you should have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn'tit enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyonewants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes.Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting tocry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots,and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...
Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, thedoor's open. Here we go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)
Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoesare ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smelllike Mom's.
Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross?(picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya gotone.
Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so itlooks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's firstchoice.
Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make thisdelicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey: You call that delicious?
(all shouting)
Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.
[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebeis at the window.]
Phoebe: Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven.Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner withUgly Naked Gal.
(They all run to the window.)
Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.
[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eatinggrilled cheese sandwiches.]
Chandler: Shall I carve?
Rachel: By all means.
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants darkcheese?
Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this withme?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got thebigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, dingding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned,but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn'tinvolve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, ifyou'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't havesyphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'mtrying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peelsoff the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captionsread, as follows:
Bladder Control Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3 Tony Awards...
He's finally happy with that and walks away.]
End
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