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108 The One Where Nana Dies Twice [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffeebreak. Shelley enters.)
Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescentlights... does it get better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, becauseI met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler: Yes please.
Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Chandler: He's a he?
Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good,Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of theroom) Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. Imean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you,y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthdayparty talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys thinkthat when you first met me?
Monica: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey: Not me.
Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back incollege, Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to goout with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman...who also liked her, so...
(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look andabruptly stops.)
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it aboutme?
Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that abouthim?
All: Yeah! Right!
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried youguys were gonna be vague about this.
(Phone rings; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling fromRome.
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bongiorno, caro mio.
Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that.Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make itquick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking toRome.
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it'sNana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there,along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi andkisses.)
Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Monica: How-how are you, Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What'swith your hair?
Monica: What?
Mrs. Geller: What's different?
Monica: Nothing.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.
(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee,and talks to him aside.)
Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...
Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while,it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica: Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking aboutNana.]
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what Iloved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- fromrestaurants.
Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse: Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana'sroom.)
Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know.
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllisnow.
Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)
Ross: Bye, Nana.
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams.Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out too.)
Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!
Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana hadpassed? Well, she's not, quite..
Mrs. Geller: What?
Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana'sroom.)
Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)
Nurse: This almost never happens!
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pullsthe blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)
Ross: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, andRachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what itis. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross enter.)
Rachel: So, um, did she...
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice?
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
Joey: You guys okay?
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but Ijust don't feel, uh...
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Ross: Nono, she's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever sincemy mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here,y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting onher right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from juniorhigh- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get thisreally strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils,y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think onceyou're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises histactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie.(Hands back the pencil)
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and AuntLillian are going through clothes.]
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things,contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Thenhe opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he fallsbehind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Ross: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to herfather.]
Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buriedat sea.
Monica: You what?
Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat,pack a lunch...
Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee,that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'JackGeller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea!Huh!'.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee;Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I,um-
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me,apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would'vemade a great couple.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who yousaw me with?
Shelley: What? He's cute!
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley: Is Brian...?
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna setme up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian?Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress outfrom inside the closet.]
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) Thisone?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you wantyour mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with theburgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it'sthe wrong one.
Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climbover the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an eveningshoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in theback.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down andopens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoeboxlid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel arepreparing to leave for the funeral.]
Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not towear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find mybearings.
Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What'd I say?
Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica: Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stufflike that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her)Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs,then notices Chandler watching)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably likeBrent Mussberger.
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at thereception.
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even thoughNana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff-(Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave)
All: God! Ross!
Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fearrealised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lyingon his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]
Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if themuscle's in spasm...huh.
Ross: What, what is it?
Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Ross: Oh! No-n-
Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had mygolfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and patsher hair over her ears)
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for thesame slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from ahallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...Ilove you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), Ilove Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, begay. Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off andleave Chandler.)
Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I loveyou the most.
Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps acrossher)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes anextravagant gesture of disappointment.)
Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a,uh... hearing disability.
Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go inthe third.
Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching thegame)
Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybehand me a cracker?
Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get thehoney-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'dbe saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someonewho is critical of every single thing you say?
Monica: ...I can imagine.
Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned outto be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.
Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If youhad to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tellher?
Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?
Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every littledetail, like your hair... for example.
Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'djust told her the truth?
Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. Ithink it's nicer when people just get along.
Monica: Huh.
Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?
Monica: Oh, I think so.
Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, andrealises) Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours.
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd ofmen.)
Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than Iwas.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at oldphotos.]
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-upsnow?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: Got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Readsthe back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. Howold was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each otherand smile)
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, justtrying something.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffeebreak as Lowell enters.]
Chandler: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?
Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads.How 'bout you?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley toldyou about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.
Chandler: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Chandler: So- you can tell?
Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of...radar.
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By theway, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.
Chandler: He is?
Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian entersbehind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey,Brian.
End
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