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106 The One With the Butt [Scene: A Theater, the gang is inthe audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.] Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look!Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting! Chandler: You can always spot someonewho's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense ofimpending doom... Phoebe: The exclamation point in thetitle scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! (The lights dim.) Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about tohappen. (The lights go up on the stage,Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.) Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done someexcellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.(He goes into a song and dance number.) All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang... Opening Credits [Scene: The Theater, the play hasended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gangall groan and sit down heavily.] Rachel: God. I feel violated. Monica: Did anybody else feel they justwanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do? Chandler: (staring at a woman across theroom) Ross, ten o'clock. Ross: Is it? Feels like two. Chandler: No, ten o'clock. Ross: What? Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain)There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock! Ross: Oh. Hel-lo! Chandler: She's amazing! She makes thewomen that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! Monica: Well, go over to her! She's notwith anyone. Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would myopening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, youcan do it! Chandler: Oh please, could she be moreout of my league? Ross, back me up here. Ross: He could never get a woman likethat in a million years. Chandler: Thank you, buddy. Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you alwayssee these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could beone of those guys. Monica: You could do that! Chandler: Y'think? All: Yeah! Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm evenconsidering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue... Ross: C'mon! C'mon! Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to herbut just stands there.) Aurora: ...Yes? Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word...would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throatnoisily)...hi. Aurora: Yes, you said that. Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what Ididn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... wouldyou like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to theothers but she calls him back.) Aurora: Chandler? (Joey enters from behind acurtain. The others all talk at once.) All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn'tknow you could dance! You had a beard! Joey: Whadja think? (Pause) All: ...Hey! You're in a play! Ididn't know you could dance! You had a beard! Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't thatbad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got tosee my head. All: (admitting) Saw your head. Sawyour head. Chandler: (running back) She said yes!!She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora,and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I thinkI like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to giveto you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.) Rachel: What is it? Joey: The Estelle Leonard TalentAgency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me! Phoebe: Based on this play?...Based on this play! [Scene: Central Perk, everyoneelse is there as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey, kids. All: Hey. Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No,'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line. Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've beenhere almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went. Monica: Oh, right, right. How was yourdate, 'Chand-lrr'? Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I'venever met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in theIsraeli army... (A flashback of Aurora andChandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.) Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bulletshit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I-...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you?Tell me one of your stories. Chandler: Alright. Once I got on thesubway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn...just for the hell of it. Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It wasthis perfect evening... more or less. Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realisedwe were in Yammon. Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick. Joey: Who's Rick? Chandler: Who's Rick? Aurora: My husband. All: Ooooohhh. Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced? Aurora: No. Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you'rewidowed?...Hopefully? Aurora: No, I'm still married. Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do youthink your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding yourfoot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket? Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd beokay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's anEthan? Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my...boyfriend. All: What?! Chandler: So explain something to me here,uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have ahusband and a boyfriend? Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual. Chandler: ...Hm. Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't workout. Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeingher again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story? Monica: Didn't you listen to the story?I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this? Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some troublewith it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff:all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of theresponsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy! Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true.Ross, is this your fantasy? Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks)...Yeah, yeah, it is. Monica: What? So you guys don't mindgoing out with someone else who's going out with someone else? Joey: I couldn't do it. Monica: Good for you, Joey. Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need toknow that I'm going out with more people than she is. Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a,uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking- (They all pretend to fallasleep.) Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll neverknow. Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us! All: Yeah! C'mon! Ross: Alright. There's a theory, putforth by Richard Leakey- (They all fall asleep again.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's,Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.] Rachel: Tah-daaah! Chandler: Are we greeting each other thisway now? 'Cause I like that. Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did thewindows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum,except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for. Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we'renot supposed to ask. Rachel: Well, whaddya think? All: Very clean! It looks great!Terrific! Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved thegreen ottoman. All: Uh-oh... Monica: How-how did that happen? Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it lookedbetter there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting..but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot.(She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good theretoo. Let's just leave it there for a while. Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe youtried to move the green ottoman. Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fanout the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. Monica: You guys, I am not that bad! Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Rememberwhen I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree!Ree! Monica: That is so unfair! Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids,yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy! Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'morganised. But hey, I can be a kook. Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try toimagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Monica: Why not? Ross: Because you're a kook! Insteadyou wait until they send you a notice. Monica: I could do that. Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go groceryshopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pourspout. Monica: Why would someone do that?!...One might wonder. Chandler: Someone's left a glass on thecoffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Littlebeads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface ofthe wood... Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It'strue! Who am I? Ross: Monica? You're Mom. (Monica gasps.) Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! (Joey enters and he's on thephone.) Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... ohmy God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent.(He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in thenew Al Pacino movie! All: Oh my God! Whoah! Monica: Well, what's the part? Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino!This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You'reout of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!" Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part? Joey: "Just when I thought I wasout, they pull me back in!" Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what'sthe part? Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles) Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah'what? Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? Iplay Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm hisbutt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a realmovie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's...it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you'vefinally been able to crack your way into showbusiness. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, Idon't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, itis...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, thenext morning, Monica is getting the door.] Monica: Alright, alright, alright... (Joey enters with Monica's paperand hands it to her.) Joey: Here. I need to borrow somemoisturizer. Monica: For what? Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the bigday! Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into thebathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there. Joey: Thank you! (He goes into thebathroom.) (Chandler enters with the phone.) Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on thephone. Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don'tthink you wanna go in there! Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goesinto the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!! Monica: I warned you... (Rachel enters from her room.) Rachel: Who is being loud? Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey,listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wannamake her breakfast. Monica: Oh, you got the whole night,huh? Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twentyminutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.) Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit ofresentment? Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me,it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments thatyou know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- secondis like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of themtalking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He hasarmloads of stuff.) Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know,the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with aplastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that. (She opens the door and heleaves.) [Scene: A Film Set, Joey isentering for his scene.] Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire thegirl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready? Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thankyou for this great opportunity. Director: Lose the robe. Joey: Me? Director: That would work. Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe.(He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost. Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like toget this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The showerstarts).. and... action. (Joey starts to the shower with agrim, determined look on his face.) Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what thehell are you doing? Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering. Director: No, that was clenching. Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, theguy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... Ithink his butt would be angry here. Director: I think his butt would like toget this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... andaction....and cut. What was that? Joey: I was going for quietdesperation. But if you have to ask... [Scene: Chandler and Joey's,Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.] Chandler: God, I love these fingers... Aurora: Thank you. Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers.Look at 'em, look at how happy they are. Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and lookat his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.) Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don'tgo.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.) Aurora: Okay. Chandler: Don't go. Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to. Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she'sleaving. Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'msorry. He'll be waiting for me. Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought youtalked to Rick. Aurora: It's not Rick. Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend thewhole day with you! Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew. Chandler: I know there'll be many momentsin the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- AndAndrew is? Aurora: He's... new. Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying isyou're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? Aurora: No, that's not exactly what Iwas.. Chandler: Well, y'know, most women wouldkill for three guys like us. Aurora: So what do you want? Chandler: You. Aurora: You have me! Chandler: Nono, just you. Aurora: Whaddyou mean? Chandler: Lose the other guys. Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them? Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, whynot? Aurora: Why can't we just have what wehave now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feelingobligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what youwanted too. Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of mewants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shutup! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy thatwells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks thatmeasuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Getout!' Aurora: So... which one of the two guyswill you listen to? Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listento both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish... Aurora: Which one? Chandler: ...The second guy. Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call meif you change your mind. (She kisses him, he holds her,and kisses her passionately.) Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs thelips. (She leaves, Chandler sighs, andfalls back on his bed.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rossis trying to comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.] Ross: Look at it this way: you dumpedher. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful,intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again? (Joey enters.) All: Hey! Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you theguy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? Joey: Nope. Ross: No? What happened, big guy? Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?" Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment. Joey: I got fired. All: Oh! Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too muchwith it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre,expecting to see me, and... Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-oneis gonna be able to tell. Joey: My mom will. Chandler: Something so sweetand...disturbing about that. Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing butcrappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it! Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot. Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think whenit's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like yourshot..? Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked. Phoebe: No, I don't think this was yourshot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe bigthings are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking aboutthe day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! Igot the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'. Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (Theyhug.) (Ross and Chandler look at eachother and hug as well.) Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go tobed, guys. All: Night. Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leaveyour shoes out here? Monica: (determined) Uh-huh! Rachel: Really? Just casually strewnabout in that reckless haphazard manner? Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'emtomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.) Ross: She is a kook. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she'slying in bed wide awake.] Monica: (hums for a while, then givesup, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get theshoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'mgonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and thenwake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head inher pillow.) End | 
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