Friends老友记剧集英文剧本第四季第2集
402 The One With The CatChandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!
Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide!Y'know, turn and slide.
Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m tired ofhaving to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!
Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with my ownhands!
Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it.
Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. (He opens thecabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lightsand a disco ball as decorations.)
Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in anothercabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it!
OPENING CREDITS
Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it’s Chip.
Monica: Yesss!!
Ross: Who’s Chip?
Monica: Shhh!
Chip: (on machine) Good runnin’ into you at the bank today, so ah,here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later.
Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews.
Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?
Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.
Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy inschool!!
Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It’s Monica. (listens)‘Kay. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Ohmy God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room asRachel enters)
Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving.
Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s like eightpages, I hope I don’t fall asleep.
Ross: Why? Did you write it?
Rachel: (sees Chip’s phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthewscalled. I wonder what he wants?
Ross: Well ah, actually...
Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex withanother guy.
Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call?
Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this?
Ross: Oh, I’m sure.
Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it’s Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah,umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down.(listens) Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh.
Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that’s right! He called to ask outMonica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing!
Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause)(happily) Thank you, thanks.
Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here’s a question; where did you guysget the finest oak East of the Mississippi?
Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace inall the land.
Ross: I’m reading your ad.
Joey: Looks good, uh?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause)fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)
Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?
Rachel: Why? I love that thing.
Chandler: You want it?
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no.
Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?
Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!
Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your bestoffer.
Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo.
Joey: Oh. What do you do?
Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living!
Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know...
Ross: Good, so do I
Rachel: Something to do with numbers?
Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you!(goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat’s eyes) Ohmy God.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.
Joey: What? What’s wrong?
Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat ismy Mother.
Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?!
Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of myMom Lily, the one who killed herself.
Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking yourgrandma’s glycoma medicine again?
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay, there’s thefeeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that shewent into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her headin unsure agreement) My Mother’s favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joeythinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.)Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi,Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an “Oh my God.” gesture) Oh, I haven’t seenthis smile in 17 years!
Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni...
Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you’re going out with ChipMatthews?
Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews?
Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would want to afterwhat he did to me!
Monica: What, that little thing at the prom?
Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He was having sexwith Amy Welch!
Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that stillbother you?
Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?!
Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools...
Rachel: Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same highschool.
Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride offChip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore aband uniform they had to have specially made.
Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?!
Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.
Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!
Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance togo out with a Chip Matthews, and now he’s-he’s called me up and asked me out.And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never lether eat.
Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her)
Monica: Oh, really?!
Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it’s possible, could you leave him somewhere andgo have sex with another guy?
Monica: I’ll try.
Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainmentcenter?
Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don’tthink any of them are gonna work out.
Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently,not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keepssquirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive.
Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?
Phoebe: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets usedto the fact that there’s y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she’s worried thaty'know, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice)Well, that’s not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return acall in the other room.
Monica: Why can’t you use the phone in here?
Phoebe: Well, I’m returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica’s room)
Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe’s mom remind anyone of a cat?
Monica: Ross, don’t start.
Ross: Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-thatthere’s a woman inside that cat!
Rachel: I believe it.
Ross: No you don’t.
Rachel: Yes, I do.
Ross: No you do--y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this.
Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.
Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay. (starts to leave)
Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen.
(Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.)
Tony: Wow! That’s ah, that’s pretty nice!
Joey: Pretty nice?
Chandler: You’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.
Tony: We don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it?We’ve got a canoe.
(Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out hishand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down,dejected.)
Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don’t think we need a canoe.
Tony: You gotta take the canoe!
Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and thenwhen you get home, throw the canoe away!
Peter: We’re not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leaveas Tony chases after him)
Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!!
Rachel: (entering) You guys, you’re never gonna believe what I justfound tacked up on a telephone pole! (She’s holding a flyer.) Look kindafamiliar?
Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe’s mother also goes by thename Julio.
Rachel: You guys, there’s a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. Imean, you know what that means?!
Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split fiveways!!
Rachel: Do we have to tell her?
Ross: Yes, we have to tell her!
Monica: Oh, but it’s made her so happy.
Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the otherhand) Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, Ihave to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, youwill tell her.
All: (disappointed) Yeah.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: I hate when Ross is right!
Monica: He is right, isn’t he?
Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he’swrong.
All: You think?
Chandler: Oh-no, he’s right.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair)
Monica: Hi!
All: Hey!
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom...
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: (pause) How’s that going?
Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on mytummy and purred.
Joey: That’s so sweet. (pause) I’m gonna get some coffee. (gets up andleaves)
Monica: (sliding into Joey’s place on the couch to try and talk toPhoebe) Huh? What’d ya say Joe? I’ll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey)
(Rachel and Chandler slide into position.)
Rachel: Pheebs...
Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh.....
Rachel: All right!!
Chandler: I’m coming already!!
Rachel: Jeez!
(They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.)
Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel)Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (getsto her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.)
Rachel: Hello, Chip.
Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin’?
Rachel: I’m great! I’m great. I’ve got a great job at Bloomingdale’s,have wonderful friends, and eventhough I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’venever felt better about myself.
Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet?
Rachel: She’ll be out in a second. So, Chip, how’s umm, Amy Welch?
Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven’t seen her since... So, Monica aboutready?
Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons ofstorage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.
Guy: What?!
Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucksthat I couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in.Yeah. It was funny ‘til I started feeling like I was in a coffin.
Guy: No, you, you can’t fit in that thing. That’s not deep enough.
Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes out the stereo) If Ican’t, I’ll knock five bucks off the price off the unit.
Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes his hand)
Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the door) See?! I told ya!
(The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceedsto take the stereo and Chandler’s computer and walk out.)
Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!
Chip: Here, we are.
Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper!
Chip: The what?
Monica: That’s what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in highschool. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you’re Chip. Nevermind.
Chip: No, I think it’s cute. (kisses her)
Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper.
Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school?
Monica: Umm. Well, there’s Rachel, and umm, I think that’s it. How boutyou?
Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I seeSpindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. SteveBrown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.
Monica: Is that all?
Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah!I ran into Richard Dorfman.
Monica: Ohh, how is he?
Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie.
Monica: Isn’t he an architect now?
Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear.
Chandler: OH MY GOD!!!
Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center) WHAT?!!
Chandler: Are you all right?!
Joey: Yeah...
Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!
Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And wherethe hell is all of our stuff?!!
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said hedidn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!
Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?!
Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guyagain, do you know what I’m gonna do?
Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!
Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically)
Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to highschool with, ‘cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else?Like you, I don’t even know where you work?
Chip: You know where I work!
Monica: I do?
Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time.
Monica: You still work at the multiplex?
Chip: Oh, like I’d give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime Iwant. I can get you free posters for your room.
Monica: Thanks, I’m set. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
(Monica takes a big swig of her martini.)
Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo.
Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww, man, he took the five ofspades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is!
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! What happened?
Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I wasrobbed!!
Rachel: (to Monica) So, how was your date?
Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews inhigh school?
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in highschool.
Rachel: Oh honey, I’m sorry.
Monica: No, it’s okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews,I got to dump Chip Matthews.
Rachel: Ohh! That’s so great!
Monica: I know!
Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, “You don’t have insurance here, so stopcalling us.”
Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didn’t tell her?! (They allkinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah? (sees Ross) Hi!
Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There areflyers all over the place.
Rachel: I’m sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer)
Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.
Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I haveto respect her decision. Right?
Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: That’s a good call. Right.
Ross: No! No! Look--Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that youfeel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is notyour old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat!
Phoebe: (she turns around and puts the cat on the entertainment center)Ross, how many parents have you lost?
Ross: None.
Phoebe: Okay, then you don’t know what it feels like when one of themcomes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I’m wrong, who cares?Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.
Ross: I’m sorry.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: I don’t know what to say.
Rachel: You could.... say you’re sorry to her mom.
Phoebe: I think she would like that.
Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here,(pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitiveof me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also thereincarnated spirit, of my friend’s mother.
Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you.
Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean alot to me. And you’re welcome to come back anytime.
Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d reallyappreciate it. (Joey nods in agreement)
Phoebe: Come on, Mom, I’ll take you home.
Rachel: I’ll go with you.
Monica: Me too. (they all leave)
Ross: Oh! Y'know, I’ve got an extra futon.
Joey: Dude, you don’t have to brag! We got nothing here!!
CLOSING CREDITS
END
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